AIBU to feel worn down by my parents' unhelpful visits?

[SarahAndQuack]

So, backstory: I have a nine-year old and 10-week-old baby; I'm a single mum. My parents are in their mid-70s. They have form for being pretty awful and I have been a broken record about not needing any help from them, while they've been on and on and on about wanting to come up, wanting to help, etc. I knew perfectly well that any such 'help' would actually cause enormously more fuss and bother than it would be worth, so I've just said repeatedly that it's not needed.

Last time my mum came up she was in such pain from having slept in a draft that she had to have wheat bags heated up through the day, had to have a great long whinge about the volunteering work she does, etc. etc., and had a long nap because she was so tired. That's fairly representative. They also do a good line in becoming furious if they feel they're insufficiently pandered to. I am very, very tired of it and there's a lot of history here, but it'd be a massive post if I went into it all. I'm just trying to explain that they're not loveable absent-minded 70-somethings who can be shrugged off with minor irritation and genial cries of 'oh, your dad, what is he like?!'

All this being so ... why on earth and I so bloody ground down by something relatively small?!

I was feeding the baby and my dad decided he'd like a cup of tea, so I asked my daughter to help him make one (ie., I asked her to help find the teabags and him to boil a kettle and so on). It took ages and I'm not even sure why, but, long story short, about 15 minutes later and after much back and forth about being unable to find things, he turned up with a cup of godawful lukewarm tea with a tiny amount of milk in. Obviously I just said thanks. After they'd gone I discovered they'd left their own tea cups in the living room (yes, I'd normally clear up after guests but they're my parents/I have a new baby), and my dad, for reasons best known to him, had take the teabags out of the cups and dumped them in the middle of the kitchen counter where they'd leaked tea all over bottles I'd just sterilised and left to dry on some kitchen roll.

My DD said she thinks he wasn't sure whether to put them in the bin or the compost bin, so he left them there. Not even on a plate (there is a little dish beside the kettle for teabags, FWIW).

It is such a tiny thing but it makes me want to cry. It seems like such a massive overreaction (I'm sure some of it is hormonal), but it just really hit me. AIBU to feel almost gaslit that the repeated desperate offers of help reliably end up with some kind of utter shit like this, where you feel as if you've stumbled into a parallel universe? Because, surely, no one in the right mind thinks 'ooh, I dumped used teabags on the clean counter; I've definitely been a net help here!' Do they?

YANBU, and, FWIW, you're not alone. This is literally my mum to a T - you could not have described the interactions, the frustration and the disappointment more accurately! My mum guilts me into coming along to 'help' and then manages to make the world revolve around her own needs. I find it bizarre, and my acceptance of this dynamic fluctuates massively - it's also backed by lots of historical baggage, so I totally get what you mean by the whole "what are they like, lol" vibe not fitting. But I definitely find limited interaction on my own terms helps.

I'm sorry that they're not able to be the kind of support you'd like them to be and hope you find your own way to navigate the relationship and protect your own peace where necessary. Congratulations on your little one! x

If things were good when DD was small, there could be some cognitive decline going on. Making a cup of tea should not be so hard.

MIL to a tee. I have been married for 35 years, until she was unable to travel about five years ago, she still hadn't found the fucking kettle.

I well remember an afternoon/evening when I finished work at 3pm, collected dd and ballet friend, gave them car snacks, got them changed, collected ds from school, dropped them to ballet, took ds to piano, went to Sainsburys, collected girls, dropped friend, collected DS, got home at 5.45ish to a refrain from MIL "Roses, FIL has been waiting a very long time for a cup of tea".

Smile, tinkly laugh, but it was an absolute "fuck you" moment. Then we all sat to dinner at 7.15ish, they had seconds and she remarked there wasn't much left for DH. "well no, you greedy cow. It was ever thus with her.

It ought to be cathartic but it isn't. She's 90 and frail. DH visits every three weeks and sorts the carers. I don't get involved.

It very very often is the smallest of things that tips you over the edge.

That strikes me as a very passive aggressive response to you not making his tea.
Or is he a complete moron?

Either way, no more visits for as long as possible.

It’s that also if you call them out on it they present a united front that makes you think you’re the one in the wrong, when actually they have just been used to validating each other for years.

They won’t then accept being challenged on it, because the other one backs them so they must be right

I can sympathise with you. When my eldest was born my mum came to stay to “help” me with the baby for the first week after my husband went back to work after paternity leave. What actually happened was that she sat on the sofa all week cuddling the baby while I made her cups of tea and got on top of the housework jobs (2 weeks after having a baby!)

It really opened my eyes as to how selfish and unkind she is. I’d always known she’d been a pretty shit mum to me, but it really made me realise just how unloving and unsupportive she was. When I really needed someone to support me just for one week, and she made it all about her becoming a grandma and bonding with her first grandchild!

Anyway, I had three more children after that and she has never spent another night sleeping in my house after that trip. I keep her at arms length and just go to visit her for a day trip at her house (as infrequently as I can get away with).

Just to reinforce @redskyAtNigh further. Its completely not normal.

In real world, most families rub along OK with the odd eye roll, most families help each other out with the odd glitch over definitions of “helpful” but with good intent. This deaths by a thousand cuts are not the normal glitches arising from families of differing perspectives, they are sustained differences with an unwillingness to see the other point of view.

What you describe is not the norm, you don’t have to accommodate it. My youngest GDC is nine weeks old and I’d be horrified if my DC in such an exhausted state was expected to accommodate this nonsense. My DC all have mostly normal in laws - as normal as me at least! I’m tempted to say they are lucky but in reality they are normal. Your parents are the oddities.

Congrats on your new baby, try to enjoy the time through the sleeplessness!

"What actually happened was that she sat on the sofa all week cuddling the baby while I made her cups of tea and got on top of the housework jobs (2 weeks after having a baby!)
It really opened my eyes as to how selfish and unkind she is. I’d always known she’d been a pretty shit mum to me, but it really made me realise just how unloving and unsupportive she was. When I really needed someone to support me just for one week, and she made it all about her becoming a grandma and bonding with her first grandchild!"

There are times when it is hard for the older generation to get it right. If they help with the housework it can be labelled as 'interfering', putting things in alll the wrong places so it makes more work.

Arguably, holding a baby that needs/wants to be held so that a new parent can have a shower/have her hands free, sort something that she wants doing, is a way of helping.

And I've seen plenty of posts slagging off grandparents who aren't interested in their grandchildren, don't visit etc.

So it can be hard to get this one right.

Though I think the stuff about men wanting the tea made for them and leaving stuff over sterilised bottles is NOT to be endured.

Your parents gaslight you.
Please take care of yourself and go no contact/low contact for as long as you like.
luckily they’re not close. So not popping in and out.
Become busy/ unavailable / vague.
Put up strong boundaries and barriers.
take care x

I agree it’s not a small thing.
If you went round to see an acquaintance with a baby you’d offer to make tea and tidy up after yourself.
They are supposed to be your parents who love and care about you and can’t even be bothered to make tea without a mess.
Probably best not to say anything and really limit contact.
Or ask mum how dad is as he seemed to struggle making a simple cup of tea and you are worried.

If they are a couple of hrs away, I’d suggest meeting (infrequently) at a half point between the two locations for lunch or similar. Perhaps where there is something for your daughter to enjoy. If they are not expecting you to wait on them, it might be less stressful for you.

why didn't your mum get up and help?
it doesn't like they help a lot. Do they offer to hoover, dust, wash up, change beds etc which would be a help.
time to turf them out

I honestly feel as though I could have written this. I see you OP! As the PP said, it really isn’t about a small thing such as the tea. I’m sorry you’re going through this 😒

I’m learning it’s ok to set boundaries, slowly! Self preservation! For both you and your DC.

This!

And congrats OP.

We have had enough too. My Mum comes and behaves terribly, we’ve hit breaking point here too and the guest room is no longer going to be that. Turning it into a playroom and I’m going to advertise her bed on Marketplace and refuse to let her or anyone else sleep on our sofa, like shes previously suggested. NO, get an Air B&B or Hotel.

The kids asked on previous visit if they could go and stay at her house, she shot them down and said NO you wouldn’t like it at my house. Well we no longer like you being here 😂

You seem to be over reacting to anything your parents do. Most of it sounds minor. If they bother you so much don’t invite them over.

This reminds me of that episode of Motherland when Julia’s in-law’s
come to stay. I know there are families who have DGPs in their 70s who genuinely are a great help. But those people are incredibly lucky. I don’t think that’s how it is for most families. And the truth is your DP will likely be less helpful as they get older.

I think this visit was particularly hard given that your baby is ten weeks old and you really are in the thick of it right now. I guess in general, as a single parent, you probably crave the kind of practical help that they are unable to give. So I’m sure it stings that they talk a big game about helping when this is not something they can provide.

I agree having them stay over won’t work for you for a while if ever at all. Once you’re back on your feet and a bit more mobile I would meet them in places like garden centres and playgrounds etc. Keep it a bit simpler. And congrats on your new baby.

Ban the pair of them from any future visits.
For the record, it does not harm your children if they have no contact with their grandparents. Of course, it’s nice if grandparents are lovely people, in which case, contact is clearly great. But if they aren’t, you just don’t need to see them.
I have no recollections of three out of four of my grandparents (either died before I was born, or were too old for any visits). And the fourth died when I was very small. I’m pretty sure not having them in my life has not psychologically harmed me or left me damaged or short-changed in any way.

Yes it is a small thing. The straw that breaks the camel's back generally is.

Do people’s parents genuinely do this when they visit? I’ve heard it spoken about, but does it really happen!

my mum no longer here even though she worked full time often popped to mine to help in the evenings while i sorted bed times etc, it was a god send as my two were only 9.5 months between them and my little one was a devil to get to bed. we have a famous picture of me holding her by the clock on NYE at gone 12 while my late husband was fast asleep on the sofa!

I can relate. My mum is constantly demanding to come over and “help” me, when all she does is create a nuisance. Try to have firmer boundaries. Tell them you’re busy. I can’t have it out with my mother because she’s so over-sensitive and angry, so I just try to limit how often she comes round.

Sounds like an episode I remember from ‘Motherland’ where unhelpful in laws come to stay.

it is very irritating. I found my own mother extremely irritating and unhelpful when I’d had all 3 of my babies, she tried to help but everything was a hindrance & I know she meant well. She even took my over night baby bag home with her from the hospital after I’d given birth so I had to ask the midwives for nappies and wipes all night, whilst getting told off for being unprepared. I think when this is the card we’ve been dealt we have to accept it unfortunately. She’s been great when I’ve needed baby sitters or kids picked up from school over the years, but as for helping me at home, forget it. Maybe your parents can be more helpful with school runs etc.

Lucky for u, u have a lovely daughter helper. Bless her xx

We don't all have great relationships with our parents and thats ok its normal.
Switch off to visits say no not right now im finding visits stressful .
Concentrate on you your baby and other child on your family.
Don't put yourself through it its difficult enough with tiny ones.
Hugs x

Sympathies. My mum can be a bit like that eg if she washes up she gets bubbles everywhere, water on the floor. With my first baby she came to stay and didn’t bring any gift or present/, with the second she turned up with a plastic carrier bag full of very worn charity sjop finds eg bobbled tiny cardigans etc. I then had to sort taking them to a rag bank etc! That stay she impatiently broke our washing machine by pressing the button too hard, it took ten days for someone to come and fix it meaning DH and I had to do laundrette runs costing £££ plus the plumber. Newborn and newly potty trained toddler so no choice! Still sore about that 😫