Am I doing everything wrong with DS?

[PinkPandaas]

Sorry this is going to be long and probably all over the place because I'm shattered and my head is all over the place.

DS is 12 on Monday. He has ADHD and an EHCP. CAMHS have said for a while now they think he has ODD as well but they keep saying "oppositional traits" rather than actually diagnosing it. They say a diagnosis wouldn't change anything so there's no point chasing one. Maybe they're right but it feels like every professional just passes us onto someone else.

I honestly feel like I've messed him up somewhere along the line. People always say don't blame yourself but when it's your child how can you not? I carried him, I've brought him up on my own and now he's nearly 12 and completely out of control. I can't help thinking I must have got something badly wrong.

He's been like this for as long as I can remember.

As a baby he barely slept. He'd wake every couple of hours and just never seemed settled. By about 18 months he was climbing out of his cot every single night. I’d put him back in, five minutes later he'd be back out. I ended up taking the side off because I was terrified he'd crack his head open falling over it.

He climbed everything. Kitchen sides, tables, the back of the sofa, windowsills, bookshelves. He had absolutely no fear.

He'd run away from me constantly. I dreaded going anywhere because he'd just disappear. I remember crying in Tesco once because he'd vanished and I found him climbing into one of the fridges laughing his head off while I was in a complete panic.

His tantrums weren't like other toddlers either. They'd last forever. He'd throw things, bite me, kick me, scratch me, headbutt walls, scream until he made himself sick. Once he'd started there was absolutely no getting through to him.

People said boys are just boisterous. Then they said he'd grow out of it. Then they said school would give him routine. School just made everything worse.

Every year started with everyone saying "fresh start." Every year ended with meetings.

He's actually bright enough when he wants to be. Teachers have always said that. One said once "he's capable but only on his terms."

His dad was never involved. He left before DS was born and there was never any contact really. He died 3 years ago when DS was 9. Everyone expected that to explain everything but DS had already been like this for years. I don't think you can miss someone you've never really known. Maybe it affected him underneath but there wasn't suddenly a massive change because he'd always struggled.

Primary school was awful. He had five fixed term exclusions before they finally permanently excluded him.
One for punching another child because he thought they'd laughed at him.
One for throwing things round the classroom.
One for telling a teacher to fuck off and walking out.
One because he refused to leave a classroom so they ended up taking every other child out instead.

The final one was throwing a chair across the classroom and calling a member of staff "a fucking wanker."
He went to a PRU but Everyone agreed he should have another chance in mainstream for Year 7.

He's only been there since Tuesday.

Tuesday he refused to line up because he said lining up was for babies. Then decided he wasn't going into one lesson because he didn't like the teacher. He'd known him about five minutes.

Wednesday he argued about taking his hood down, refused to put his phone away, wandered off twice and swore when staff challenged him.

Thursday there were problems because children from primary are there. He says they're winding him up. Some probably are because they know exactly how to get a reaction out of him but I also know he sees things that aren't there. If people laugh he assumes it's about him. If someone glances at him he thinks they're staring.

Today he refused registration walked out of maths after ten minutes, refused most other lessons and sat on the corridor floor saying he wasn't moving and spent most of the day wandering round with staff instead of actually being in lessons.

He was supposed to have a 1:1 from the start but because of some miscommunication today was actually the first day he'd had that support. The member of staff seems lovely but DS just wasn't interested today. I'm hoping that'll come with time.

His Head of Year said when I collected him that most Year 7s are terrified of getting into trouble and spend weeks trying to stay under the radar.

She said DS has absolutely no fear of consequences. I already knew that really. He doesn't care about detentions. He doesn't care about losing things.
He doesn't seem to think beyond the next five seconds.

He's also hit puberty really early compared to a lot of his friends. He's got a really deep voice now, nearly as tall as me, eating constantly, getting spots, all the usual teenage stuff. I honestly think the hormones have made everything ten times worse.

Professionals don't seem much help if I'm honest. CAMHS appointments are every few months and mostly consist of asking how things are then saying keep doing what you're doing. CAMHS say avoid power struggles. The ADHD nurse says pick your battles. The parenting course said stay calm.

The educational psychologist wrote a report full of long words but nothing that actually helps when your child is screaming in your face because you've asked him to brush his teeth.

He's got an EHCP but having one doesn't magically make things better. It's just another folder full of paperwork.

Tonight has been another disaster. His older brother told him earlier in the week that if he'd been good he'd take him to the football tomorrow. It's pay on the gate. Well he hasn't been good. He's spent all evening begging me to tell his brother he's behaved.
“Please mum just tell him." "He won't know."
“I've tried."

I said no because if I lie then what's the point. Then he wanted Pepsi at nearly ten o'clock. I said no.

He called me a bitch, told me I ruin everything, slammed his bedroom door, came back out to swear some more then stomped back upstairs.

I know people will probably judge me. He has an Xbox. He has a phone because he walks to school. He drinks fizzy drinks.
I swear sometimes so obviously he's heard bad language growing up.

His bedtime routine isn't perfect because some nights by the time we've argued over everything else I honestly haven't got the energy left to argue for another hour over getting into bed.

Sometimes I give in over stupid little things because I'm exhausted and I know that's probably wrong. Sometimes I shout because after asking someone the same thing twenty times anyone would end up shouting.

Then I feel guilty because all the parenting advice says don't shout. I honestly feel like I've failed him.

I look at other 12 year olds worrying about what trainers they want or who they're sitting next to in maths and mine is refusing to even go into lessons four days into secondary school.

The thought that keeps going round my head is if this is him at nearly 12 what is he going to be like at 15 or 16. I hate even typing it but sometimes I genuinely worry he'll end up in prison one day because he just doesn't seem able to stop himself once he's angry.

Am I making excuses for him because of the ADHD? Am I not strict enough? Too strict? Should I still let his brother take him to the football tomorrow because it's a fresh start, or do I stick to what was agreed?
Please be honest. I can take it. I just don't know what else to do anymore.

I'd think about Martial Arts. Its a channel for aggression but you have to abide by rules and have self-control. Tricky to suggest it though as he will automatically refuse if you do that. Maybe this older brother could help here? My son lost his Dad at 14 and the fighting gym and being with predominantly older males has been wonderful.

Thanks. I've just dug his EHCP out because I couldn't remember exactly how it was worded.

Section F says he should have a named key adult/1:1 during the school day, particularly during unstructured times and during transitions between lessons. It says he should have support to regulate his emotions, support to access lessons, support to resolve conflict before it escalates and support to help him understand social situations.

It also says he should have access to a quiet space if he's becoming dysregulated. The school have explained that to him as meaning he can ask to go somewhere quiet if he feels himself getting angry, but he has to go to the agreed room or pastoral area, not just wander around the corridors on his own. That's been one of the biggest issues because when he's angry his instinct is just to walk off. They don't mind him leaving a lesson if that's what's needed, they just need to know where he is.

He's also allowed to leave lessons a few minutes early to get to the next one before the corridors are packed. The reasoning is because he absolutely hates people bumping into him. Even if it's a genuine accident in a busy corridor he'll often think someone's done it deliberately and he'll retaliate before he's even thought about it. The school are hoping if he avoids the crowds it'll avoid some of those situations altogether.

There's also things in there about movement breaks, clear routines, visual timetables if needed, instructions being broken down into smaller steps, positive reinforcement rather than constant sanctions, regular communication between home and school and access to the SEN team throughout the day.

The EHCP was only finalised in July after what felt like years of fighting for it.

As for transition, yes he did have quite a bit. He had a couple of days with the rest of the Year 6 children who were moving up and then a few visits where it was just him. Those actually went much better than I expected. He met the SENCO, walked round the school when it was quiet, met some of the staff he'd be working with and saw where he'd go if he needed timeout.

There were still issues. On one visit he refused to go into one classroom because he said it smelled weird. On another he walked off because he'd had enough and didn't want to carry on. But overall he actually came home positive every time and kept saying he was looking forward to secondary school, which is why this week has been such a shock.

I have looked at PDA because so many people have mentioned it over the years. To be honest I can see why people think of it. The minute he feels he's being told to do something it's almost like he has to say no, even if it's something he was going to do anyway. CAMHS don't think that's what it is though, they've always come back to ADHD with oppositional traits.

I also think puberty has made everything harder. He's one of the tallest in his year already, has a really deep voice and he's even got hair coming through on his top lip now, although he refuses to shave it because he says he doesn't care. I do wonder if he feels self conscious because physically he looks older than a lot of the other Year 7s but emotionally he's still very immature in lots of ways.

One thing the school said this week that upset me a bit, although I completely understand why, is that they'll assess whether it's safe for him to do things like Food Tech before he starts using equipment. Rationally I understand they have to risk assess it because if he's refusing instructions or angry they can't have him around hot ovens and knives. But emotionally I came away thinking they're already writing him off after four days.

It's probably me being oversensitive because this isn't the first time. By the end of primary he wasn't allowed on school trips anymore because they couldn't guarantee everyone's safety if he kicked off. The PRU were the same. They hardly took trips anyway but if they did he wasn't allowed because he was too much of a risk of walking off.

I hate admitting it but I don't even really enjoy taking him places anymore. He wants to go to Tenpin for his birthday on Monday with me and his older brother and instead of looking forward to it I'm already worrying about what will happen. Will someone accidentally knock into him? Will he lose at bowling and get angry? Will we have to leave halfway through because he's shouting? He's not a little child anymore either he’s taller than some adults and when he kicks off everyone stares and then he notices people looking and gets even angrier.

It's a horrible way to think about your own child's birthday but it's honestly where my head is at now.

If the EHCP was finalised in July, you still have the right of appeal. I would appeal. Depending on when in July, you may need to move fast, though.

Unfortunately, the EHCP sounds quite vague. It doesn’t say the whole school day or include the length of time/frequency. ‘Should have’ isn’t the same as ‘must receive’. What ‘adult’? You need the job title and training/qualifications/experience. Will it be a consistent adult, consistent small group of staff or will it be a revolving door of any old person who is available. What ‘support’? ‘Access to’ and ‘if needed’ are far to vague’. What is ‘regular’? The wording needs to be detailed, specified and quantified. You need to think about what, who, where, when, how, ratio, frequency, duration…

Is there any provision from professionals in there? For example, EP, OT, SALT, CP? Both direct and indirect provision?

The EHCP was finalised towards the end of July so I think I probably do still have time if I decided to appeal.

There isn't OT or SALT in it. The EP was involved and observed him in school. In the report she said he has significant difficulties with emotional regulation, impulse control and managing perceived conflict. She also said he often assumes other people's actions are hostile even when there's no evidence they are, and that once he's dysregulated he struggles to access verbal reasoning or follow instructions. She recommended consistent adult support, clear routines, low arousal responses from staff, movement breaks, reducing unstructured time where possible and repairing relationships after incidents rather than just punishing him.

CAMHS haven't been much help if I'm honest. He's been under them for years but it feels like every appointment is just asking how things are, adjusting medication now and then and telling me to keep doing the strategies I've already been doing. I know they're stretched but I do feel we've been fobbed off for most of his life.

The whole system has felt like that really. Primary school used to ring me constantly to collect him. Sometimes because he'd been excluded, other times because they said he needed to calm down. The PRU were similar really. If he got himself into a state they'd often ring and say it'd be better if he went home for the afternoon.

Looking back I actually wonder if that made things worse because he learnt that if he kicked off enough he'd end up coming home. I don't know where the line is anymore between what's ADHD/oppositional behaviour and what's become a learned behaviour over the years because it's happened so many times.

That's one thing the secondary have said they don't want to do unless they absolutely have to. They said they want him staying in school and working through it there rather than just sending him home every time there's a problem. I do agree with that, I just hope they manage to stick with it because I know it won't be easy.

Ok. So the LEA will do anything rather than place a child in specialist provision so you have fallen for that line. He needs to be in a specialist school with therapeutic support. There are schools out there - few and far between, but they exist. There are also private special schools too. Go do your research. Unfortunately, I think it highly likely that his current placement will break down, particularly once he starts thumping other kids - which is inevitable , sadly. He needs tons of specialist support for emotional regulation and this is more than can be done in a mainstream pastoral setting. The TA is there just as crowd control and so he has someone with him when he needs removing. It isn’t his fault - he has an incredibly disregulated system and likely needs therapy including speech and language for social skills and OT for sensory needs. His medication also needs an urgent review. Good luck.

You are still well within the appeal window but I would act sooner rather than later.

I know there was an EP assessment during the EHCNA, but in F of the EHCP is there any ongoing EP them allocated?

Unfortunately, the EP report sounds like it isn’t brilliant. For example, what ‘adult’, what ‘support’, ‘where possible’ means it might never happen. You might want to look at an independent assessment. If you appeal, check if you are eligible for legal aid, that can fund assessments where necessary. If you aren’t eligible but can’t afford independent assessments, have a look at charity funding.

OT, SALT and CP support also sound necessary. You might want to look at independent assessments for some or all of these if you can afford them or secure funding for them.

Has DS had a social care assessment? Have you had a carer’s assessment?

The primary school and PRU should not have called you to collect when they weren’t suspending because DS needed to calm down. Going forward, don’t accept that from the secondary school. It is an unlawful, informal exclusion. The school needs to follow to correct process. It will help you to read the government’s suspension and permanent exclusion guidance.

I wouldn't punish at home for things that happen at school, particularly if you're not sure the environment is right for him. I would make things like football unconditional. If you feel consequences work well for home behaviour then stick to removing screen time or pocket money.

It sounds like he would be better in a smaller non mainstream school without the 1:1. And may be autistic as well as having ADHD?

Has he been seen by a psychiatrist? It sounds like he might have a personality disorder of some sort.

How old is the older brother and how do they get along?

I don't think he's autistic if I'm honest. I know there's quite a lot of overlap but he's never really fitted with what people describe. The ADHD makes sense and so do the ODD traits, it's just nobody seems willing to actually diagnose the ODD. They just keep saying "oppositional traits" every time.

As for private assessments etc, I just can't afford it. I don't work because I honestly can't. Between school ringing, CAMHS appointments, meetings, annual reviews, exclusions, collecting him, I don't know how I'd hold down a job. It's not that I don't want to work, it's just never seemed realistic. Money is tight as it is.

When primary or the PRU used to ring and tell me to get him I'd have to order a taxi because I don't drive. It would cost me money every time and then I'd get there and he'd often be absolutely fine within half an hour of being home. Looking back I do think he learnt if he kicked off enough he'd end up leaving school.

He's seen a psychiatrist through CAMHS. They've never mentioned a personality disorder or anything like that. They've always come back to ADHD and the oppositional behaviour.

My older son is 18. They're really close most of the time and DS absolutely adores him. If his brother is home he'll constantly want to be with him, playing on the Xbox, watching football, kicking a ball about, whatever.

The problem is if his brother says no. If he's going out with his mates or just doesn't want to play Xbox, DS can turn on him really quickly. He'll start shouting, swearing, calling him names. He's been aggressive towards him as well as me. It doesn't really affect my eldest physically because he's a lot bigger than him, but it's the fact DS doesn't seem to care who he's doing it to. If he's angry he'll hit or swear at whoever is there. That's another reason I don't let him go out on his own much because I'm genuinely worried he'll start on the wrong person one day and not everyone is going to just walk away.

My eldest mostly stays at his dad's in the week because it's much closer to where he does his apprenticeship, so he's not here every day. DS hates that. If his brother says he can't do something because he's busy or staying at his dad's, he takes it really personally.

Football is probably the biggest example of how he is. Him and my eldest support the same team and go together when they can. If they lose he's absolutely furious. The one that really sticks in my mind was the last league game last season when they missed out on automatic promotion right at the end. He was swearing at the other team's fans as everyone was leaving. Thankfully they ignored him because he just carried on. My eldest actually had hold of him because he was worried he was going to go over and hit someone. That's the sort of thing that frightens me because my eldest can physically stop him, I can't.

In the end they won at Wembley and got promoted anyway and DS said it was the best day ever, so in a strange way it probably ended up being a better memory than if they'd just won that last league game. But it's those moments in between that worry me because he just reacts without thinking who's in front of him.

As for private assessments etc, I just can't afford it.

That is why I suggested checking if you are eligible for legal aid if you appeal. Legal aid, or rather legal help for appeals to SENDIST, can fund independent assessments. And why I suggested you look at charity funding if you aren’t eligible but can’t afford independent assessments.

Are you receiving DLA for DS?

I wouldn’t be pursuing an assessment/diagnosis of a personality disorder if I were you.

Hello OP,

I apologise upfront as I haven't read everything in the thread, and skimmed some of the detail in your posts about services.

You sound like you are a fab parent, dedicated and exhausted. Your boy will know (and feel devastated at some level) that a big part of the reason you are exhausted is his behaviour. But even if he is big now, he is still a 12 year old child. And that's a lot of heavy weight to handle for a child. (I mean - it's taking a huge enough toll and you are a grown up with decades of experience and pre frontal cortex development.)

A few points to make

• I know why - you are trying to parent/ hold boundaries e.g with teeth brushing, fizzy drinks etc. But when your bigger fears are him learning self regulation (to e.g. not punch a stranger when his football team loses), then you could consider reassessing where you want to focus your energies. Perhaps take a radical approach to - for example - teeth brushing. Options - stop mentioning it, let him decide entirely when he brushes, or just totally nonchalantly breezily take a step back with it "Not sure if even I can be bothered to brush my teeth tonight ... oh well, guess it's not the end of the world." (It really, really isn't. Especially when parenting SEN kids.) Earlier in the evening than near bedtime "So what shall we have then, Pepsi, Cokes or these Fantas I grabbed at the shops earlier?" i.e. something to make it more fun, have options that would SHOCK him, ever so subtly nudge the 'control' back to you. But essentially, drop a LOT of ropes. Why? You need to preserve your own energy, you cannot be asking things 20 times, and honestly most of these things are less relevant than the bigger picture.

• Try to say yes. e.g to the football. Try to recall even ONE teeny tiny miniscule thing that he did do or did better and say "Hey son, I've had a bit of a think, and I actually I really liked the way you did X / remembered Y / , and so YES you CAN go with your brother to football tmw because I DID see you behave/ improve this week and I'm sorry I didn't remember that quicker earlier on today." (You'll also get in there an example of modelling reflection, shades of grey being acceptable, progress however tiny being championed and RECOGNISED, and apology - albeit for something almost not really needing one.)

• Drop the standards around School. Turning up - fab. Entering a lesson even for a bit is a win. Stop the oxygen that's coming from all the attention of NOT doing things. Appear to become less bothered by that.

• Definitely go bowling. Go in with a different mindset. "I'm relaxed, I can handle any situation, and I can diffuse things." Another poster mentioned his currency - what could that look like in the bowling place? If he gets angsty? A few quid to go and buy whatever snack he likes? Your go so he gets a few extra throws (prewarning other siblings / thinking of strategies to ensure that they won't feel left out etc depending on their maturity/ understanding)

• Services - so many, so much, so exhausting, and yet it does pretty much all come down - ultimately - to us. And SO many of us get it. Get what you're handling and experiencing. But realistically, the services just aren't the magic bullet - your unending belief and positive attititude towards him (which does shine through) are in fact his secret weapons.

Hope something helpful in the above for you. You sound fab.

What adhd meds?

Stimulant meds didnt help anger.

With my aggressive teen - non stimulant made all the difference to aggression. He has to take it every evening - he gets a glass coke to take it as a reward. We added in a stimulant in morning - elvanse to improve focus.

Phone time is cut down to minimum with school time so he cant use it until 4pm to 6pm. Xbox gets an hour a day after his chore - taking bin out or unloading dishwasher or hoovering stairs.

If he completes chores etc he can earn time. He gets time removed as consequence but can earn it back by doing one set list of chores

OP I don’t blame you. Nobody could cope right why. I certainly couldn’t.

this may be a stupid question, but are there any times when he is settled and calm that you can have any kind of ‘real’ conversation about these episodes and where he really reflects and wants to do better?

Do you think he likes himself? I wonder what his self esteem is really like.

I hadn't realised legal aid could potentially cover independent assessments as part of an appeal, I thought I'd just have to pay for everything myself. I'll have a look into it because I definitely can't afford private assessments otherwise. I do get DLA for him.

He’s currently on Ritalin and he’s due another CAMHS appointment sometime in October so I will mention it but they didn’t want to change his meds previously

Thank you @Itisalwayspossibletobekind some good points I have decided to pick my battles re things like tooth brushing. He does it in the morning but it’s not worth him kicking off before bed and once is better than none at all. His teeth are surprisingly great which I was a bit shocked about to be honest as he hadnt seen a dentist in years and considering his diet and his lack of tooth brushing

He never shows any remorse or takes any accountability, even when he’s calm he says things like “if people left me alone x wouldn’t have happened” and that people wind him up etc. After he was permanently excluded he did say maybe he shouldn’t have thrown the chair but then said that the teacher deserved it but then if we try and tell him that no the teacher didn’t deserve it etc he gets defensive and thats the calm chat over.

I did let him go to football in the end but they lost so he was angry and blamed me for letting him go and he said he didn’t want anything for dinner because he’d rather starve than eat anything i give him, I didn’t really respond and he stormed off to his room and later on when I checked on him he was asleep and when he woke up he did seem in a much better mood, he ate dinner and when I reminded him of what he said about how he’d rather starve he just sat he’d changed his mind. The sleep almost reset his mood but tbh he is worse when he’s tired anyway

I wonder if you need to lay it in thick with CAMHS and school and can you get him a social worker?

If we can’t a solution to his violent outbursts I’m not sure how I can keep him safe at home. The Ritalin doesn’t seem to help at all what can we try instead.

Hello again,

Part of ADHD can be experiencing intense and extremely vibrant emotions. So what you are saying about his (seemingly) extreme response to e.g. his football team losing is just a child in essence saying "I am so so gutted they lost Mum." But with the added elements that make this more extreme. Just a few more points to share that could be of help

• Don't berate him or try to contain these extreme emotional expressions. Instead try to 'give' him the tamer language to express it and HEAR him - though you might have to play around a bit & experiment to find what your son finds most soothing. It could be "It's devastating that they lost." or "You sound so sad they lost." or "Ohhh no ... must have been awful to witness." Then pause. If he begins to move towards the actual real emotion here - which I'm guessing is extreme sadness - the end result of being met with empathy about it would be tears. But he is unlikely to show you that yet as he is going everything he can to protect himself from feeling the real deep pain of that sadness - ultra amplified by ADHD remember - including blaming you for letting him go (!!). But (am I'm not saying you are) when reframing it like this, it helps to lessen the exhaustion on you, because you can see no need to take it personally nor react to it. It's just a child trying to express something that they haven't yet fully developed their skills for. (And ... in fact, this applies to many adults too! Even without SEN.) And perhaps you can see where to gently help shift.

• No need to mention he said he'd rather starve earlier. He could feel a bit mocked by that, and it serves no purpose to point it out. I'd stop pointing out all his ironies. It'll just antagonise. He probably doesn't yet have any understanding of why his reactions are so extreme. But you could look up RSD, and be the moderating force of his experiences with this - and with some more nonchalant but kind and compassionate responses, with very little words (also he will be really flooded at those times so no need to 'pour petrol on a fire') - you will be able to model for him calmer responses. In due course, he will employ these. But he's not going to be able to 'invent' them or pull them out of a hat in the heat of the moment himself (yet).

• With your DS, if he e.g. mentioned he perhaps should not have thrown the chair, initially THIS is the thing to focus on. It's a huge step for him to have (sort of) admitted he was wrong. Which is what that is. Even though it isn't a full blown Grade A standard eloquent grovelling remorseful apology. It is a big step. So - with anything that comes from now on, acknowledgment that he 'stepped up' and did anything akin to that is initially vital. Anything - however small. Because it will reinforce to him that a) he DOES have the power of self reflection and b) shortly after this, accountability will begin to come from him. (Obviously you don't tell him this.) However ... remember RSD above - he will feel intense deep and overwhelming associated emotions - so shame to the point of self loathing, anger e.g. towards the teacher (as he sees it) for doing anything that 'caused' all this (in his mind), and failure to the point that he can barely even dare to acknowledge it. Hence why so important to 1) acknowledge any whiff of accountability as that is huge 2) bear in mind the intensities he is grappling with and 3) develop nonchalant, neutral language around these things, so he can 'borrow' your calm neurons.

Whilst you're balancing this with 'picking your battles', you can also develop these skills with low stakes things. E.g. putting dirty laundry in the basket not on the floor, say. If he ever does something like says 'oh whoops I didn't do that' - be sure to acknowledge it. "Thanks X, appreciated you saying that." (as he's hopefully en route to picking it up and putting it in!) So I don't know what types of situations could arise like this in your home that you will spot, but it's all possible.

• The reason he reacts so intensely to the stuff with his big brother is also the RSD - the 'no I can't do that with you' to your DS will feel HUGE personal rejection, compared to those without ADHD. But hopefully, just understanding and noting it will help you to be less exhausted when it happens. (Again, no need to say this to DS at the time of course!) But you can just meet his expressions of this with neutral, tempered, empathy - or in fact silence. Or basically just whatever space you have seen he needs or helps him most to re-regulate?

And I appreciate you are already doing a lot of this - I saw you said you didn't really respond to the initial 'I'd rather starve' dramatic language, and it worked perfectly because he took himself off to calm down and napped - which was exactly what he needed.

Also, that you can see how lack of sleep worsens all the symptoms.

It's a huge ask of you, but it might also be worth thinking about how to 'pour into' your own cup more and more often, because we really need to strengthen and build up you in order for any of the above to happen. I'm talking about micro actions here ... and these will sound silly and are in no way meant to be patronising/trite - and I don't know you so I don't know what would be the micro equivalents for you. But I mean things that are instantly accessible and not obvious. Like e.g. having a jar of your favourite (even if more expensive) coffee in the house or tea to make a quick hot drink, or a luxurious strong smelling handcream to quickly grab and rub on, or some favourite music tracks downloaded right at the ready. Because in the ultra heat of the moment, any way that you can treat yourself seems to help and small micro actions do work. As this kind of parenting is relentless, constant, emotionally draining, exhausting, unpredictable, and gruelling.

This is so hard and sadly OP there aren’t easy answers. Medication doesn’t always work the way you want or think/kids often refuse especially boys I’ve found. I worked in a special school for mostly boys with ADHD and Autism, and whilst some made fantastic progress and it was beautiful to see, some didn’t and really struggled still. The ones who really really struggled to settle or make progress with all the additional support on offer often had difficult or chaotic home lives, that isn’t a surprise though in terms of how childhood ACEs impact kids. Also those whose parents had stopped trying to manage behaviour really struggled, but I also understand it as a lot of the parents were really ground down.

We often found a big peak in challenging behaviour between 8-15 for boys and then it settled a bit more (with support/settled home life and good home to school relationship) as the brain and body catch up with each other a little more.