To think surely this is not normal?

[TheNaturalBronde]

I have 3 DCs , but this specifically applies to my 2 younger siblings one is 13 but on the ASD spectrum so emotionally closer to 11, verbal, In mainstream etc is more sensory based and social skills and impulsivity that effects him the most, my youngest is 6 both boys ,
They fight like cat and dog, constantly, and i
mean constantly…they are not seated together in the car , in the same is short lived as it quickly descends into chaos

the youngest whines and will be rough unprovoked and my eldest likes to laugh/smirk which ofc causes a reaction and then can be too rough.
We tell off, use time out , confiscations , separation all the time,
we have been away just us 4 and my god it’s relentless, my mum lost her temper with them earlier which is understandable, however it made no meaningful impact and i spent 32 mins calming & doing timeout with 6 year old.
Car is packed …one more outburst and we are going home early.
I just feel so depressed,

AIBU to think surely this is not normal? And we’ve very obviously implemented consequences, why are they not working like they do with everything else? I feel so overwhelmed and embarrassed 😞

No siblings DC sorry *

That’s how I remember life; it led to a bigger car one with 4bucket seats and a bench. Lots of well charged iPads.

My brother and I used to fight relentlessly. My DC do a lot, they can play beautifully together but when out and about I often have to have one either side of me and build a cushion wall between them in the car.

Sounds very normal to me - lots of siblings fight constantly. There's no guarantee kids will get along just because they're related - then add in autism on top and it's not particularly surprising.

It's why people often caution against having another child just so an existing one has company.

Sod that. Not at all normal. Barring the odd incident, 6 and 11/13 is plenty old enough to do as they're told.

Do they actually enjoy the fighting? does one come off worse? Apart from the car, can they get away from the other one if it gets too heavy? If they are enjoying it leave them to it, even if you have the occasional bit of blood (i had three brothers).

If one is bullying the other then teach the bullied one to walk away. If you don't already, give them fairly generous pocket money that can have deductions for bad behaviour.

Maybe the consequences need to be harsher. I know my mum would stop the car and refuse to continue with the journey if we fought too much in the car. It's dangerous as it's distracting for the driver. The children need to know that safe behaviour is not optional.
"Tell off, time out and separation" is clearly not working. The children need consequences that will make them think twice about their behaviour - loss of treats and days out. And conversely, making a fuss of the one who is not retaliating. Anyone who can behave in a civil manner gets the extra outing because they are a pleasure to be with. The other ( instigator) stays at home ruminating on their choices.
Telling off is just background noise for a lot of children, it needs to be more impactful, consistently.

Hm, I knew a pair of brothers who fought almost constantly until the oldest moved out at 18. They get on fine as adults but living in the same house was a nightmare - they hated each other, regardless of what sanctions their parents would implement and regardless of how often they were told off.

They had an older sister they both got on with, and neither of them ever fought with anyone else - it was just.a massive personality clash I think, and being forced to share a home constantly.

Thanks for the responses, mixed , sort of

So my eldest is 16
16/13 have a good relationship 90 per cent of the time only ever play fighting is gentle
16/6 is a very responsible big brother to him , has done school runs babysitting, he does get firm with him when needed.

its the specific 13/6 that is an absolute nightmare, personalities do differ , my youngest is more of a whiny temperament than my other 2, but that’s his temperament and I don’t have a magic 🪄 wand at my disposal….
As i said in the post Car is packed threatening to go home early and it wouldn’t be the first time and I’ve spent 32 minutes I timeout, I’ve been awake since 4, I’m only human I just don’t remember the other 2 being this hard.

Apparently my uncles were like this, great relationship now.

I think you might be coming down to hard on them and that could be making the situation worse. 32 minutes trying to calm a sibling fight and do time out sounds too much. Threatening to end the holiday over siblings squabbling seems like a huge overreaction. You need to be the calm amongst them, not adding to the chaos with your stress and OTT consequences. It's not that unusual for siblings to fight a lot.

I think 13 and 6 are funny ages. 13 wants to be treated like the baby so gets annoyed when 6 year old is given attention but also has hormones raging so wants to be left alone by 6 year old.

6 year old wants to play and doesn't get the off/on of the older one.

I do find suggesting limits is useful. Like older DC will play with you for 15 minutes but then they need some time on their own. Older DC gets to watch a show on the TV tonight if they're willing to play with their siblings nicely for 15 mins etc.

Have you told them how mentally draining it is ?
You need to cancel a few plans and spell out it's because you actually can't face it..

Okay interesting, thanks

Yeah, they're fine as adults - both have their own homes and children, haven't fought since they were kids (both almost 40 now).

I think some people just clash, and if you've never experienced it with your own kids or have kids who are very compliant, you'll never get it.

It sounds annoying but normal

Apparently my grandma locked them out with boxing gloves 😂

Did it work? 😂