AIBU to create distance from a male friend after mixed signals?

[MessyNDepressy]

Earlier this year I started a new hobby (animal related). I did this hobby in my teenage years but fell away from it. Have made some new friends from it, one of whom is a guy. If I’m being honest, I had originally assumed he was gay from his demeanor plus it wouldn’t be unusual for a gay man to be involved in this hobby. Turns out he’s not. I only found this out a few months down the line when he mentioned he had recently split up with his girlfriend.

We get on really well, have a lot of things in common and are now good friends. We speak most days via text, I see him a few times a week via our hobby and occasionally an extra time for something out with our hobby like a walk, cinema or something. The friendship is on par with my other female friendships.

He has on occasion tried to be a bit flirty but I have shut it down as I have no interest in him in that way. Twice now he’s vaguely mentioned going on a date. The first time I kind of laughed it off but made it clear I’m not interested in dating. I even suggested another woman who I think would be interested in him. The second time was last night and I said that it was never going to happen and changed the conversation. He’s since been very quiet.

He might just not really speak with me going forward although we do have plans tomorrow evening. An event I don’t particularly want to go to but he didn’t seem to have anyone else to go with him. AIBU to create some distance, if this doesn’t do it already? I don’t want to give him false hope or to feel like being friends is leading him on. I definitely do not want anything more than friendship with him, I don’t know where he would get the idea I do. There’s been zero physical contact, zero flirting from me etc. If I’m being honest, I still think he’s probably gay!

Your mistake was agreeing to go to an evening event with him!

Do it so you don’t let down and then just distance yourself. It
really shouldn’t be hard. No messaging and polite and distant at this “hobby”

Maybe stop spending a good part of your life with him or messaging him? Maybe don’t go to evening events with him?

Just a thought….

He's not a friend, he's a man who's shown romantic interest in you and he's been flirty.

You're being unreasonable hanging out with him going on dates to the cinema and walks and whatever when you know he's got hopes of more and you don't. You finally definitively shut him down so of course he's gone quiet.

Agree with pps.

There can be exceptions, but a LOT of the time a new "male friend" isn't going to be there for you lots 1-1 unless he's interested in something more. Even if you think you're totally incompatible!

Wind things down to a lighter friendship and stop texting every day.

You've been giving him mixed signals and he's a bit upset. He'll get over it. Stop hanging out with him one on one.

Stop saying you think he's gay - that's so rude and revolting. You sound about 12.

Another situation where a man doesnt take No as No, they take it as try again...

No means No Roger.

And stop being so polite, hes picking that up as interest, you may have changed your mind because you smiled at him and turned your head when he spoke.

What on earth is a gay hobby? You're being quite ignorant saying you think he's gay. He probably knows his sexuality better than you do.

I would be very surprised if he fancies you @MessyNDepressy on the basis of your OP

Thanks for the replies, I will distance myself. I feel guilty now as it really wasn’t my intention to lead him on, I should have realized sooner. Lesson learned. In my defence, his flirting and mention of dates were put across very comically, I didn’t take it seriously until I realized today that I’ve obviously disappointed/offended him. I also don’t spend any more time chatting to him or with him than I do my close female friends hence why I didn’t think much of it. There are loads of people at the hobby, it’s not just us two.

For the people offended that I think he is gay, I obviously would not voice that in real life but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with voicing my internal opinions on an anonymous forum that he’ll never read! It’s not a gay hobby, it’s just not a hobby that a lot of straight, single men seem to participate in. The main reason I mentioned it is because believing he was gay originally was why I was happy to do things just the two of us, I would have been more wary of a friendship with a single, straight man for this exact reason.

But once you knew…. You still cracked on having what seems to be a very close relationship with him. Odd

Because we get on great and up until recently, he hadn’t implied he was interested in anything more. We’ve been friends for 4/5 months, it’s only been the past few weeks his tone has shifted.

Maybe you are reading in to things

either way… maybe stop spending so much time with him

I’m guessing it’s horse riding. I used to
work for a guy who was quite high up in the eventing world. Came across as gay as a maypole but was married with a child.

My experience is there are a lot of people (male and female) who do unfortunately tend to get these "limerance" style fixations on anyone they meet socially who pays them 1-1 attention.

Even if there clearly isn't anything there, they don't apply critical or nuanced thinking and see what they want to see.

(they need a copy of "He's Just not that into you").

In general if I meet a man "out in the wild" at a hobby group, I'd assume if I was in touch with him 1-1 there's a very strong possibility he is going to be potentially interested in something more. A lot of people turn up to hobby groups to meet potential dates.

So I wouldn't swap numbers unless I thought this is something I would be open to.

Of course he fancies her! They're already spending a lot of time together and he has shown he wants to take it further!

Twice now he’s vaguely mentioned going on a date. The first time I kind of laughed it off but made it clear I’m not interested in dating. I even suggested another woman who I think would be interested in him. The second time was last night and I said that it was never going to happen and changed the conversation.

He has vaguely mentioned a date and you "made it clear" you weren't interested by "kind of laughing it off". So maybe not as clear as you thought?

And now he's asked again, you said no and he's gone quiet.. Isn't that... good?

I think men very often need these things spelled out to them. You may need to say "I enjoy spending time with you. But I have no interest at all in you as anything other than a friend."

But beware, there is scientific research that says that men and women see their friendships very differently.

In a study:

Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief. In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt—basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends. Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

How old are you both @MessyNDepressy ?

I dont agree that you give him mixed signals.
In his mind his decison is your his or could to be...
These types of mentality need told straight
Even then some morons still do not get it...same shit with a married friend...its beyond mental...nah mate I am not an excape plan
Dont be guilt tripped into being responsible for hid dreaming!

The second time was last night and I said that it was never going to happen and changed the conversation. He’s since been very quiet.

He had been “quiet” for half a day.

I think you’ve been naive to think of him as “like one of tie female friends”. He’s a man showing clear interest. All the things you’ve been doing are going to give him hope of that. Once you move things outside the hobby - expect this sort of thing to happen.

A very similar thing has happened to me with a single man from a hobby group, the difference being that I’m under no illusion that this is a blossoming friendship on the same level I’d have with female friends - there is clear romantic interests on both sides.

I once saw a thing about men and women being friends and it summed it up nicely. A lot of men can’t just make do with the fries and the drink - they think they have to have the whole meal deal every time…..

Don’t be surprised if he cools it off, or if not don’t be surprised if he tries again. Not because he’s a bad person tho. You just want different things.

You spend time with him and he has expressed he likes you - that’s not strange or weird. You just don’t feel the same way, which is also fine. The kind thing to do would be to be honest with him: say to him as you have done, you like him as a friend but you don’t feel any spark. It’s his choice how he reacts - he may feel awkward or sad - those are his feelings tho. If you want to hang out - that’s fine you aren’t leading him on. My personal take would be to be very clear again saying you like him as a friend but no speak. Cool down how much you see him for a month or so. See him at your classes / hobby things. Then see how things feel after that.

I get that you haven't been flirty but seems that seeing him a few times per week and messaging him every day, has given the impression that you might be interested. Having said that he should have backed off when you first made clear that you aren't. You need to cease all contact or he will always be lurking around trying to change your mind. When you bump into him at the hobby be friendly but that's it.

Poor guy. It’s dented his self confidence as he thought you were a really nice girl he could date properly and perhaps even eventually take back to meet his family. He would care for you and you would care for him. He would provide for you.

He had feelings for you and you knocked him back. Such a shame. It probably took a lot of guts for him to bring up the courage to ask you out. He probably really choosy as well.

Don’t lead him on. Let him down gently. Distance yourself from him, so he can find someone new.

Note to yourself: men don’t hang around women unless they have a sexual interest in them.

My first thought too.