Aibu to want both men

[heidi696]

Am struggling morally. Just light hearted really but I’m in a long distance relationship and when we are together it’s really nice I really fancy him the sex is amazing and we get on and have a laugh. The problem is we seem to see each other less and less. It’s been 8 weeks then another 3 weeks then 4 weeks and currently this the 4 th week apart again. I can’t cope with just a couple of texts each evening. We are arguing mostly because I feel so unfulfilled . He’s not great on the phone and there’s a language barrier so texting is not great either.‘it’s so frustrating.

theres another guy who really likes me. In the end I chose the long distance guy. But this other one lives near-ish and texted me out of the blue the other day and what would be perfect woild
be if I could see him in between visits. I don’t think he would be too bothered about long distance guy: but long distance guy would be very jealous and upset and wants a monogamous relationship which I do too but I can’t stand the long waits in between visits

i realise I’m sounding very shallow! Ideally I’d like to go out and have fun and a laugh with nearby guy in between visits . I mean I wouldn’t have to tell long distance guy he would never find out and I would be in a much better mood as I’d be out having fun rather than just waiting and waiting for him to be available for a visit .

don’t judge me - just wondering has anyone else
had this dilemma. Not sure I could
do anything about it though I would feel too guilty I think and it’s not fair I know on long distance guy:

I'm not surprised you feel unfulfilled, you are alone a lot more than not.
Why do see each other less than you used to.
The answer to your question is easy though. If you really want a monogamous relationship, you won't start an affair with anyone else....no matter how handy he might be..

Honestly, the long distance prospect really doesn’t sound like the best. It doesn’t matter how great things are when you see each other if you have different needs around contact and communication. I’d end that and try things out with the man closer to home. Don’t have an affair, you’ll just create mess for yourself.

Well as long as you’re getting what you want it’s fine to see them both but monogamous guy might get pissed off and if you want a proper relationship neither sound great

Are you asking for someone to tell you that it’s perfectly ok to lie and cheat on the long distance man, because long distance is difficult?

Grow the fuck up. These are people’s hearts you’re playing around with here. What sort of person are you that you think it’s ok to behave like that? Long distance is difficult. Everyone knows that. If you can’t cope with it, then you tell long distance man that you either want to see him more often, one of you has to move closer or you need to say goodbye to each other. And you do that BEFORE you find some other man to move on with. And how do you think the local man would feel if he knew what you were thinking? He’s not good enough for a relationship but he’s good for a nsa bunk up while you’re waiting to see the other man?!

I think the long-distance guy is a waste of time - Are there any plans for either of you to move closer to each other? I don’t really condone cheating, but I do get why you would want to see the local guy in between. I think you should end it with long-distance guy because if you were really into him, you wouldn’t even considered the other guy. But of course, only you know how you feel about them both. Life is way too short in my opinion to be seeing someone every eight or four weeks!

You sound unfulfilled with the long distance guy. How far away is long distance? I work 90miles away so travel home one mid week night and weekends. And DH and I spend at least an hour on video chat every night I’m away.
It’s not fair to start something with the nearer man and keep long distance man hanging on!! If you’re not happy with long distance guy and can’t make any changes then you need to end it!

It sounds like the long distance relationship isn’t you which is perfectly understandable. Do one of you have plans to move in the future? It seems the better option might be to end the long distance relationship as it’s not right for you since you’re considering being with someone else. Then you’ll have done the right thing and be free to explore connections with people who are closer.

End it with them both. Long distance isn’t working for you. And a local guy who’d be happy being an affair partner, and is texting you when you’re not single isn’t going to miraculously gain some morals and turn into long term material either.
Be single, have fun then find someone new locally.

They can both be FWB. Are you exclusive with LDR guy? If not fill your boots.

i don’t think what you want is unreasonable. However I think you should be upfront and honest with both men so they are aware otherwise it is completely unreasonable.
youd also need to make sure the near-ish guy knew he was just being treated as a stop gap

It's perfectly possible to have more than one FWB if they both know that is what's on offer and are okay with that situation. If one of them wants monogamy, it's not going to work.

If you are feeling unfulfilled by not seeing him enough, you need to look at whether there are ways of resolving this, and if not, whether you are prepared to continue with that level of contact.

Also, you haven't actually met with the other guy yet to see if he's as good as he promises to be - not all men are.

We can't tell how things will pan out, whichever path you take. But you shouldn't lie to anyone involved.

Ending my ldr of 4 years for a local man has haunted me for nearly 25 years.

You have to think about your own future.

Why? Do you now think the LDR would have worked out if you stuck with it? If you were LDR for 4 years, did you or he have any plan to turn it into a normal relationship where you would see each other regularly by moving or do you wish you’d continued in an LDR indefinitely (I’ve rarely heard of this surviving even 4 years let alone longer than that)? Or was it simply because the “local man” turned out to be rubbish?

OP: they both sound useless. One doesn’t communicate with you properly, and you imply that the other wouldn’t care if you were having sex with him and in a relationship with someone else. This means that neither man really cares about you very much so if you are actually looking for a committed relationship you need to dump them both.

Is it really a long distance relationship or a FWB situation at a distance? Tbh even as you’re talking about local guy it’s in the context of intimacy when the long distance one isn’t available… no judgement from me at all, but does make me curious if you want a full relationship evolving, or just sex?

Seeing someone every 4-8 weeks is not a relationship. Go on a couple of dates with the local guy and see how it goes.

Why not just be with the local guy?