To advise against dd taking a gap year?

[CrlmsonLeaf]

I have my ds (18) and dd (18)

My ds has struggled with his mental health ever since he was a teen. Things escalated after he was sexually assaulted by a boy from his college and nothing was done he was made out to be a liar. The police report went nowhere because no evidence. He has a diagnosis BPD also known as EUPD

He got sectioned May-August last year and he was sectioned again October-June this year and honestly they added much more trauma he isn't the same person he was, the 2nd section he developed pyschosis so he was on loads of meds. He was still self harming by hitting his head on a wall, he refused to let me visit him most of the time because he blamed me for everything. he was put on a 1:1 at all times. It was a nightmare. He was finally discharged in June and things were going well until he got unwell likely due to the heat and kept throwing up. When he got better he said he had been poisoned, he refused to eat and take his meds because they were poisoned in his head and that’s why he was unwell

He was sectioned again last month and he’s at a different hospital and he blames me and says it’s worse and I know how bad things where, at the start of the first section he was 16 so he was at a children’s inpatient hospital but this is an adult one now and they are treating him differently. He was being sick daily and they said it’s a behaviour but it turned out it was one of the tablets they were giving him making him sick

He was refusing me to visit him, when i tried he got super distressed and shouting at me etc so i stopped as it wasn’t worth it. DD visited him today and she has said she’s not seen him that bad, she’s visited him during his other sections but she said he’s usually a bit more himself by now but he wasn’t.

She said he was happy with her but there but he just seemed out of it and had his head down on the table and when DD went to tell them he didn’t feel very well they said they’d already checked him over and seemed really dismissive, he ended up throwing up again and she said they just seemed annoyed with him

She said he seemed a bit better after but he then got upset and begged her not to leave him when she had to go and he said “leave me then just like you always do”

DD is worried about him and has said she’s usually feels he’s safe when he’s in hospital but this time she doesn’t and she’s talking about taking a gap year

Would you advise her against this? Or support?

I'm sorry about your son's situation but that was an awful lot about him and just one sentence about her.

Also slightly confused by what you mean as a gap year. Do you mean she was planning on going abroad for a year, or that she's thinking of taking a year out to be there for her brother?

You absolutely shouldn't discorage her from going away for a gap year. It's her life and his wellbeing should not sit on her shoulders.

Why would your son’s situation affect your daughter’s gap year. If she is talking about it, presumably she wants to go. If that’s the case, why not?

it’s not clear why your dd is thinking of taking a gap year and how her brother’s difficulties impact this.

is she due to be going to uni?
would the gap year be to spend time with him or to travel etc?

Your son has mental
health issues that are unlikely to be solved in a year.

I’m just going to be blunt. Society is biased. Your daughter will be better positioned to be his advocate if she has a university degree and a good job. People at every level of the system will unconsciously respond differently when the advocate has social standing. It also helps to have the financial resources that tend to come with post-graduate careers.

She should to just because this isn’t her responsibility, but she may be more receptive to an argument that acknowledges how her needs and her desire for advocacy intersect.

Why would you advise her against doing something for herself, that’s not centred on her twin? Has she been made to feel responsible for him all her life?

She can’t take a gap year because she is worried about her brother. She needs to live her life.

That being said, it’s also her choice isn’t it. I worry that she is trying not to move on with her life because she feels like it means leaving him behind, but she needs reassuring that this is not the case, and that by living her life it does not mean she is abandoning him.

Sorry @CrlmsonLeaf do you mean a gap year as in travelling so Australia, Thailand etc or just holding off going to uni for a year to look after her brother?

She hasn't mentioned a gap year for travelling/work previously at all. She was excited last week after she got into her first choice uni. This is the first she's mentioned taking a year out after visiting him today. She hasn't said he's mentioned anything about uni just that he got upset when the visit was over

I have two adult children 22 month age gap. My eldest had eupd aged 17-23 …so I’ve been in your shoes. She has recovered but was sectioned twice for 6 months. EUPD is a marathon. Recovery is possible, especially in younger people, but requires stabilising (in hospital) then long term committed engagement with DBT therapy, often several rounds of it. My son was very impacted by his sisters situation but he went to uni no gap year and it worked out fine. Your son has to want to get well, when he’s ready, for himself. Nobody is capable of throwing him a lifeline to save himself- even his twin. Only he can do that. People, family, adapting and changing life plans could potentially only add to his inner lack of self worth and pain - make him feel like he’s a burden. This is the eupd mindset / rabbit hole they go down. If your DD wants a gap year for herself - that’s another matter. But if it’s to be a support for her sibling, that’s not good. They can only do it for themselves - period.

Read Marsha Linehan “A life worth living”

Thank you and i’m glad your dd has recovered.

I think dd feels somewhat guilty she celebrated their 17th and 18th birthdays when he couldn't, she did her A levels etc and then after seeing him today has made her want to stay

It’s such a hard time for siblings seeing them in a psychiatric unit. I don’t know if your daughter can some comfort from knowing that he is very much in the system, working through a process to get stabilised (that takes time) and receiving psychiatric care that he needs - as well as being kept safe. When he’s discharged, the work begins with therapy. The best thing family can do is send love, dip in, be ready for brief home visits and also speak words of belief in them - that you’ve seen them work through tough times before (give real examples) and know that they can do more tough things. That belief expressed based on facts really helps. Recovery is a slow process. A young sibling shouldnt be putting their life on hold because the recovery process isn’t linear either. Hang in there and sending you strength and wishes.

I feel so much for all of you. What a heartbreaking thing to be going through. As twins, they obviously have a strong bond and what’s happening must be devastating for both of them. I wouldn’t necessarily discourage your daughter from taking a gap year, particularly if what is happening is taking a toll on her and might affect her ability to focus on her studies. But the main thing is that I think she needs therapy of her own to help her process any feelings of guilt or responsibility towards her brother so she can move forward with her life.

Your son is still very young and early in the process of understanding his condition. He has a loving family and in time, with the right medication and treatment plan, he will have the opportunity to build a life for himself.