AIBU to feel overwhelmed while my husband seems to cope better to becoming parents ?

[MyGreenHiker]

Hi I just want a bit of perspective most of this probably won’t make sense.

We recently welcomed our son into our lives, he was born at the start of June so it’s still quite new to us. My husband and I are in our mid 30s we’ve been together 10 years married for 3. We love our son so much, my husband has taken time off work just to spend it with us I’m on maternity leave. We have a great support system from his side of the family and my side too.

Recently we started being intimate again. It’s okay I guess not what it used to be but I’d like to be consistent I don’t want to lose that part of our marriage and attraction to one another. He has said to me it doesn’t feel the same and I seem to act like it’s a chore sometimes I don’t seem into it and he wants me to be into it so if I’m not at the minute we should just put a pause on sex. I’ve said I’d like to just try to go back out usual sex life and build our way back to that.

I feel quite jealous of him in some ways. He’s taken on parenting better than I have. He’s a great father and great partner. He’s confident whereas I’m struggling. I think I’m struggling with depression (maybe it’s PPD) and lots of anxiety regarding myself and whether I’m a good mum or not. I haven’t really told anyone how I feel. A few days ago I wanted to just go on a walk sit in a cafe and just read a little whilst baby slept. DH was home and was preparing lunch so I took baby for a walk. My first walk alone with him I’ve waited quite a long time I’ve been so anxious we’ve been on walks but my husband or his mum, my mum etc have always been with me. We got to the cafe all was okay I ordered a drink and sat down started reading then baby woke up I didn’t pump milk because I thought I’d just breast feed in the cafe. I got quite anxious about that so decided to just calm him down by holding and he did calm he was little fussy but he quietened down. I decided to just walk home I felt like everyone was looking at or judging me.

I got back my husband said how quick I’d been I just said the place was packed so I decided to walk back.

This is not what I expected. I had a great pregnancy and great birth experience I suppose what I’m asking is how I’m feeling unreasonable especially towards my husband is this how the first few months of being parents is like ?

Im just so overwhelmed by it all and he’s just so great at it without even trying he doesn’t even want to go back to work. I guess it comes with time maybe I just need to get out the house more alone with baby.

It’s as though I can’t really find a balance.

Be kind to yourself, honestly it’s cliche but it’s true.

You gave birth 2 months ago, your hormones are everywhere, you’ve got so much time to get back to sex, you’ve got so much time to build your confidence as a Mother. It doesn’t make you a bad one for finding all of this hard! It is bloody hard, the hardest thing you’ll ever do.

If you do feel like it’s something deeper like PPD, reach out to your GP/health visitor asap. I am a year into PPD because I pretended I was fine when I really, really wasn’t and deep down I knew I wasn’t but I was scared and chose to ignore it. I kept lying to myself saying it was having a 2 year old and a newborn. I’m now in a mental health burnout and under a team of psychiatrists/drs etc. I’m battling with my mind every single day, so please don’t sit on it if you feel you need to address it.

Talk to your DH about what you’re feeling, talk to your support system you’ve mentioned. It seems you have lots of support around you, that is a blessing. Never feel ashamed to admit you’re struggling, like I said, it’s bloody hard and admitting to it is the bravest thing.

You've got this ♥️

You sound exhausted! Before I write anything else: how much sleep are you getting? Can you prioritise getting some more? It will help so much with the levels of anxiety you are feeling.

Other things:
Intimacy: it took 5 months for me to get ‘back to normal’. Your husband’s suggestion might actually be a good one to take some pressure off.
Leaving the house: do it as much as you can. Start with a short walk every day and build up. It gets easier with practice!

If things don’t feel better in a week or two go see your GP. Also your husband might seem ‘better’ at this but he’s not had the earth shattering experience of birth and post partum recovery. Be kind to yourself.

Your baby is only 2-3 months old ? It’s early days yet. Be kinder to yourself. I hadn’t had any intimacy at all at this stage post partum with my three babies. I had no interest and no time!
join a local breastfeeding group- like la Leche league - they tend to do cafe meets - and you can breastfeed in public with their support until your confidence grows !
if you are concerned re PPD contact your HV or GP x

I’ve joined a group and been in touch with some mums in the group but I have been too anxious. I’m not really sure why

Thank you for the advice.

I am so sorry you’re going through that. I’m wishing you all the very best 🧡
I’ve been meaning to tell him but I haven’t found the right moment I will be honest and speak to him about how I’m really feeling.

Yes I completely get that. I remember that period so well. My husband took to being a dad way quicker than I did to being a mum. I couldn't cope with my daughter when she cried. Just didn't know how to go about soothing her whereas he was making up songs, going up the stairs and patting her like a pro.. Weird.

Don't worry, it's so early .. You're talking less than 3 months. It's never easy, first time round .you're comparing yourself with friends, dealing with visitors, getting baby into some kind of feeding schedules , your own body hasn't returned to how it was it just all takes time.

I'm sure your partner doesn't want you to feel anxious .If he's good at some task, get him doing that, if neither of you copes that well, take turns, talk it through and you'll get there. Best wishes OP.

New motherhood is horrendously hard. Awful. Hormones, birth recovery, damaged body, sleep deprivation. With your first baby it is the biggest shock you’ll probably ever have.

You should only be having sex again now if YOU want to. And your DH has no business making negative remarks about it. Many, many couples don’t have sex again for many months or even years!

See your GP about PND and postnatal anxiety - don’t be fobbed off. They’re awful if untreated.

But please take it easy on yourself.

Yeah I’ll contact my GP and see what they suggest.

The sex is mainly because I want to maintain some sort of normalcy in my marriage. There’s been a lot of changes we are going to focus on other aspects and not prioritise sex for now. I thought I was ready but I’m not.

I didn't feel like having sex for at least six months after having a baby. Zero interest. There is no need to push yourself. It will come back.

I think becoming a mother and becoming a father are two very different things. You've not just gained a baby, your body has gone through a massive physical and hormonal change that you've got to recover from while simultaneously learning to care for a child and your feeding the baby from your body. If your breastfeeding the baby is entirely reliant on you, in a way that it isnt with the dad.

Be kind to yourself, your comparing apples with oranges, your husband never has to breastfeed for the first time in a cafe by himself! He hasn't had to go through most of what you have. It's normal to feel overwhelmed with a small baby, its normal not want sex 2/3 months post partum. I would see your GP if you think you maybe developing PPD or anxiety but you arent a bad parent because you arent skipping around at 3 months post partum

He’s become a father but you’ve become a mother. They are very different things. It is much easier to take well to being a father so that’s why it is simpler for them!

Your dh sounds nice but think of physically and mentally what you’ve been through compared to him- your body, hormones- he has only to deal with just the looking after part- your body is trying to process the last nine months plus

This part of your life is the biggest transition you ever make. Physical and emotional toll of pregnancy, the massive job of birth (again physical and emotional), hormones shifts and those are going to be huge for your right now too.
establishing bf is hard work before you consider doing it in a cafe.

Don’t even think about sex. Do you actually have a physical need or desire or just think you should be doing it ?
i didn’t have any desire for months and was healing for ages.

You are doing brilliantly. As others say he’s not doing anything amazing. He’s just being a dad which is a million times easier than your job atm. It’s still a big shift for him but part of that is helping you.
He sounds like a good guy from what you’ve said.

wishing you luck! This was me what feels like 5 mins! Mine are now loud teenagers 😃

Have a google of the word matrescence. It was coined in the 70s but there’s also a more recent book with the title.

It describes the huge change that happens to new mums and likens it to adolensence. In the same way it is a total shift of hormones, physical changes, mental changes and your whole sense of self. Also like being a teenager you can’t stop the process, you can’t go back and you will emerge as a new person.

It is huge though and what you’re saying could be warning signs of postnatal depression or anxiety. In my area you can self refer to talking therapies. There may also be other support services in your area that do not require a diagnosis.

You can also speak to your GP to get medication, many are compatible with breastgeeding. The breastfeeding network has a fantastic service called drugs in breastmilk. They have factsheets about individual medications.

Try to meet up with other mums with babies, it will normalise babies making a small amount of noise and just being babies in public - nobody is judging you. Some people might look at you, but that because babies are cute, nothing more.

The only worry from your post is you seem wedded to how things "should" be, rather than accepting how things are and going from there. It's fine to not feel like sex just now, it's fine for babies to be hungry in cafes, it's good DH has found it easy, that's better than him having stress as well. You have a lovely baby and family, it's time to judge yourself as little as you would anyone else with a baby.

This sounds extremely normal! I remember my first trip out with my first baby, I was so anxious and it was just a walk to the local shop. The first time I took her to the supermarket I left the first one without going in because I just couldn’t decide which baby trolley to use!
You will learn and gain your confidence. The fact that you’re worried about being a good mum means you are one.

Sorry but it is different for Dads, they haven’t carried the baby for 9 months, there’s been no toll on their bodies, no hormones all over the place, not having to make milk and breastfeed. Just be kind to yourself, of course everything won’t just go back to how it was instantly, a lot of women haven’t got much of a sex drive soon after giving birth. It is very early days still just give yourself some time.

Being a new mum for me was like S.A.S training, I was sore, bruised and sleep deprived, yet was dead happy about it! 😆 but I jest!

Giving birth is like having a major op (especially if you've had interventions like forceps or a C section) and your body is trying to heal.
Throw in hormones which makes you feel up and down, then your senses are heightened to be alert to ever single noise and tiny cry - i felt like a meerkat constantly popping my head up, as if on the look out for danger 😇
Add in breast feeding which is extremely hard work and this makes you even more tired. 😴
It's basically a cocktail of exhaustion but it is definitely worth it.

If you are pumping, hubby can always feed the baby so you can have a break and do whatever that you need. 🫂
Hats off to you for BF, as I didn't last long and switched to formula, which worked for us, but its not for everyone. 👩‍🍼
My husband was like yours seemed to take it into his stride, and that was a blessing. He would feed baby I would finally have a hot cup of tea/shower/ brush my teeth and feel better for 5 minutes! 🙌

It will feel overstimulating at times, as you are sleep deprived, yet your brain and body are switched on high alert/autopilot for this tiny human 💕

Definitely see the GP and take to them about how you are feeling. You may have PND and they can help you with this.
Sending 🫂
Congrats to you @MyGreenHiker

I just had a third baby in April, so I'm a bit ahead of you. What you're describing is absolutely normal! I've had to go back onto sertraline because of my OCD this time round.

Post partum is a bloody awful rollercoaster. Your husband is doing so well because he hasn't been pregnant, given birth and isn't going through the hormone changes you are. I promise it will settle down, but maybe chat to your GP about how you're feeling. It might settle down by itself, you might need a bit of help.

Sending lots of support xxx

please talk honestly to your husband and someone else you can trust - an older mother ? good mothers are always anxious - you need to talk to your GP as well . i am very comforted by the concept of The Good Enough Mother - Donald Winacott - look it up .