Why do men get praised for looking after their DC but mums don’t?

[CuddlyCow]

DS20 went out today with his friend and her baby, she needed the loo so he waited with the baby in her pushchair and sat on a bench. He told me a woman came past and told him he was a “good dad” and he said it annoyed him a bit because if she were his baby then he didn’t need praised at all, he said he was doing the bare minimum and dads shouldn’t need praised for looking after their kids and that he guarantees no one would’ve said a mum was being a good mum in that situation.

He does have a broken wrist atm so he thought maybe she took pity on him somehow but even so he didn’t need praised because a mum wouldn’t have been. It got me thinking i did basically everything with DS as a baby, but i never got told i was a good mum i instead got looks and judgement due to my age because i was 16 when he was born

He said it’s the same when he would buy pads for his friends and he’d be called a good boyfriend for not being embarrassed but it’s just what a bf should do anyway and he never understood why a man would be be embarrassed about their gfs period. He said he could understand an ignorant teen boy but he himself still never really cared he just knows he’d hate it because he acts dramatic when his stomach hurts so he couldn’t imagine it monthly and he’s glad he’s a man

Why is it men get praised for these things though? If you saw a young man would you praise him? Or a teen boy/young man buying pads?

PS. If anyone asks why is he speaking to me about this, he talks nonstop about everything (and he’s autistic which definitely makes him think a lot about topics and not just move on with his day)

Because society is still inherently structured under narrow stereotypical lines?

My son had the same last week - congratulated for changing his baby by some woman! It’s mad isn’t it!

DS said he’d be a bit offended if he got praised for looking after his own baby because that meant the person praising him automatically assumed he wasn’t capable just because he’s a man

Some dads can be shit DS’s dad was, he was abusive but also the only time he changed a nappy I picked DS up and the nappy fell straight off as he hadn’t used the tape? But that doesn’t mean every man needs to be praised it’s ridiculous

My ex said when he use to take the kids out people would constantly come up to him and praise him for being an involved father (little did they know he saw them for a couple of hours every few Months)

Because I just assume most men don't want kids and the women were the instigator in having them. When I see women moaning about their kids I just think "why did you have them then?" Men I tend to think well he went along with what his partner wanted (not ALL men obviously but I know very few who actively wanted kids) so it is a bit like "well done for stepping up"...yes I will put my hard hat on now ahaha.

But back to your DS-it's not even his kid he was looking after for all of 5 mins?! Come back when he has his own and we'll see how much parenting he does then!

Sexism. Women are still the default parent, the "nurturing" one, the one it comes naturally to etc etc.

There’s a woman at my work who drives me mad with this. Always claims my DH is “babysitting” if I have to go out without baby. Each time I say ‘no, he’s parenting’ but it never sticks!

There was a thread a week or 2 ago where a woman innocently said her DH “can’t” look after the kids for more than a few hours. The bar for men is low, for the ones that manage to be above it (visually at least) they’ll be celebrated. It’s not even unusual just look at some of the things posters on here let slip.

I can’t control what men do, but I can have solid boundaries and expectations myself that apply to my DH and to other men. No one is getting a parade from me.

Really it’s the older generation of women who do this. They need to understand the world is different now and praising men for the bare minimum actually hurts women. Someone praised my DH for pushing the pram once!

Agree! I often get told that I am ‘lucky’ my DH is ‘so hands on’. Being ‘hands on’ was a reference to the fact I didn’t have to pack a bag and arrange everything on the days DH is looking after children in school holidays. FFS I’m not lucky. I just didn’t marry a looser! No one tells him how ‘lucky’ he is that his DW manages to work full time and run majority of house and look after kids. We’re a partnership not ‘lucky’

Because society does not value women.

I dont see why either parents need praise for something they decided to do

I often think it's really weird but then I come on here and see how little a lot of dads do. It's surprising to me that this is still the case and women still put up with it, because my dad was a very active, hands-on parent, adored children and children adored him, and he was born in the 50s. Doing the weekly shop was "our job", mine and his, from when I was very little. I remember him bottle-feeding my sister and changing her nappy, bathing us etc.

Because for many centuries women have been the natural caregiver and it’s only really in recent years men have bothered to interact at all. Even when I was born in the 90s men were “modern” if they got involved in changing nappies and such. It’s just the patriarchy. Once the older generations die, nobody will notice this sort of thing.

I've known a couple of single dads in the past (mum not in the picture). They were constantly praised and told how amazing they were. Even though, in truth, they did really the minimum care. Both found a woman in time to take on the "mum" role and then they stepped back even more. I suppose yes, they deserve some credit for sticking around for their kids. But women do that all the time and never get told how amazing they are. If anything, single mums are looked down on. It's always irritated me.

It's because it's still considered quite unusual.

Objectively, I am a very good Dad. I'm also a fairly average parent.

DP and I have always been quite equal in terms of parenting (and DP and DD have agreed with this). I work more, so I've never ended up being the "default" parent, but when I'm around it's very even. I largely credit this to finding Mumsnet early on and getting a crash course in all the ways I could fail to live up to expectations.

I changed shitty nappies, I made dinner, I got on the floor and played with dollies. I happily stayed home with DD while DP went out. I attended doctors appointments and parents evenings. And now I go out and pick DD up at 2am, and help her revise, I pick up sanitary products.

In short, I did all the basics well. That makes me an average parent. But loads of men don't do this stuff. So yes, I'm an absolutely top tier father.

I don't deserve praise for that. But it's not surprising that something that's still outside of the norm is noticed an commented on.

Well no one needs praise for anything but it’s a normal part of life surely. If you do well at work, the job you’ve chosen to do, praise would be standard. If you’ve chosen to do a craft and made a beautiful item someone might praise your effort even though you have chosen to do it.
I don’t think has has ever been linked to whether you chose to do something or not.