AIBU to want our days out to be just us?

[MrsBird03]

Feeling very tired and grumpy, so please tell me if I am being absolutely unreasonable.....

I am a lone parent to one child, work FT, care for elderly parents, so time is precious! However, every time we go out and do things we seem to attract other people's children and I just want to spend time with my own.

I am not maternal, as awful as this sounds but I don't really like children (only my own), so I definitely don't give off earth mother vibes.

I wouldn't mind if they engaged my child too, but they don't it is just me. I'm nearly 40, so don't look like a cool older sister or anything.

If we go to the park, I always have another child asking to join in our game or for me to help them. I try and step away, thinking it is great my child make a new friend, but they don't engage with them.

Recent theme park trip, two seperate children asked to be in our carriage / vehicle so they could be with us.

If we have a picnic out or go to the beach, I have random children showing me stuff or asking to join in.

We took bats and a ball to the beach, and this boy (7 to 9ish) took the bat out of my child's hand and hit the ball towards me. I explained that it wasn't okay and we were playing a game, so he did return the bat, but asked if he could have a turn next.

Today was the icing on the cake, we went to a science museum place which ended up with my little one in tears. Another child asked me to explain what i'd shown my son which was fine, but involved me having to complete the practical with him. My child was quiet, when I asked what was wrong he said he feels sad that it is never just us on days out, we don't get left alone.

I get it! I just feel so guilty my child feels like this, and guilty for saying no or ask your parent to other kids. Its always the kids that won't take no for an answer or push boundaries, like I will say no I am with my child and its Why? Or I can come too.

Any tips to make myself even more unapproachable? 😂

I would start directing these kids back to their parents. The science museum situation you can say; 'Sorry we don't have the time right now, why don't you ask your mummy to show you this'. You can apply this in other situations too.

If a child asks to join your game, it'll be hard to say no but end of the day we all put our children first. So you'll have to say sorry we're in the middle of a game, perhaps another time.

I think you just have to be blunt, ‘go and find your grown up to help you’, ‘I’m sure your grown up would love to help you with this experiment’ kids won’t think you’re being rude they appreciate clear boundaries.

YANBU. And it's probably hard to make yourself "unapproachable" when you've out with your child since you'll be available to and communicating with him, so social barriers like sunglasses, visible earbuds, distant stare, or pretending not to hear may not work. But you can develop a firmer "no thanks" reflex for when you're first approached. Your best bet is probably consciously remembering what you've said here: you have limited free time. Your child is your priority and he has asked for more time alone with you. You also have the right to go about your business (even if you were alone, without your child) without stopping or changing plans to look after a strange child - sure, you'd do it in an emergency but most of these cases are not. And even in an emergency, you may not be the best person to handle it.

I'd try to remind yourself - maybe even "psych yourself up" a little bit before you go out with your child - to say a very firm "no" as soon as someone tries to engage you unnecessarily. If they persist, say you're busy or that the activity you're doing with your child is private or "just us". "Not this time" or "not today, sorry" may feel easier than a hard no but whatever you say, stick with it! It may feel unnatural or harsh at first, but remind yourself that you have the right to protect and prioritise yourself and your child. Remind yourself of what your child just told you, that it does upset him when you get distracted with other children. If it seems like someone is genuinely lost or in distress then offering to help find their adult is good advice but often you can also guide them to someone "in charge", like a worker at the museum.

"Sorry can't help you need to go ask your parents." "Is this your child? Sorry they keep coming up to us."

Rinse and repeat if that fails ignore. Pretend your deaf.

"We're having a special Mummy-son day out, so not today, but maybe another time / maybe your grown up could show you / play with you / you could sit with them."

Hard though. You clearly give off warm, lovely vibes - your lucky son :)

I have this problem sometimes, although it's annoying it really is quite complimentary to you. Those kids are often struggling to get their own parents attention and can see an adult giving their child attention so they join in!

I often take my son out on outings just the 2 of us and have kids trying to show me their trampoline skills, joining in with our conversatios at the table or having a little tea party. I often see their parents chatting to friends or on their phones with them going 'mummy look, mummy you aren't looking' and then just giving up.

I do engage sometimes but only if my son doesn't seem to mind and I don't let it interrupt what we're doing so if it's time to move on I just smile politely and move on.

Why are you engaging?

Have you tried saying no?

I think this is the key. Why did you end up doing a practical with a random kid, thereby leaving your son to his own devices? Just say no!

Bizarre! This has never happened to me, despite me being a teacher and often knowing some of the children on a day out.

Just carry on with your own child and walk off with them.

I haven’t experienced it so much in public - perhaps I have an unfriendly face! I do have a toddler child in our wider family like this though, for example, she insists on holding my hand and asking me for help with everything or to colour with her etc when I have my own two toddler DDs who are not overly impressed by this at times. Weird because we do not see her very often either. Anyway, I feel like it’s very slightly easier if its a stranger, i’d just say something along the lines “oh where’s your mummy, ask her to help you” or sometimes if I have had a particularly chatty child follow us around the park, I eventually just kind of smile and stop responding.

You have to be less friendly if you don’t want to engage. Don’t engage, say no, walk away.

I’ve had this and I do think some posters can underestimate how persistent a determined child is. I do think if it is getting to the point where it’s ruining days out you need to be really firm though, probably borderline unpleasant. I once snapped at a kid who wouldn’t stop interrupting when I was trying to talk to my DD, which I felt a bit rotten about but I couldn’t get a word in edgeways!

I must have resting bitch face or something as this never happens to me as me and DS8 go out loads on our own.

Don't let random kids horn in on your time with your child. That's people pleasing and it's upsetting your own kid.

No, you need to go with your mom or dad.

No, you can't come with us.

Just ignore them- don’t engage. Kids like that who latch onto anyone are annoytrons and have a thick skin. Or tell them no and to find their own parents.

stop taking your flute out with you @MrsBird03? 😄

I feel for you OP.
My kids are young adults now, but when they were little, we always attracted ALOT of kids in our garden. They used to knock and then appear round the back. Sometimes, when we were approaching our drive, after dentist appointments ( for example) we’d be greeted with a handful of kids, sat on OUR drive! On the one hand, it was good because mine had an endless stream of kids to play with. But, the “ invites” were NEVER reciprocated. Next door had a perfect garden, nice flowers and zero play equipment. The other family had a tiny garden, full of dog and cat mess.

I’d say, don’t engage. Walk off with your own child, don’t make eye contact, say “ sorry, can’t help you, please find your mum/dad” Or as @StressedOutPeanut suggested, pretend you are deaf! Repeat and repeat some more!

Stop putting random kids before your own child! You are acting as though you have no say in this nonsense and you are letting your child down in the process. Just send them away and focus on your child.

You need to be assertive. There is no need to be rude, but just put boundaries in place.

I am like this. I attract people. My grandson also attracts people. My dogs attract people. We can't go anywhere or do anything without people interacting with us. I have on several occasions had people forming a queue to interact with us!! There was once a whole coach load of tourists with cameras 🤣 Luckily we all enjoy interacting with randoms, but we do shit it down when we don't want to interact with people.

I get you want to spend quality time together and such a shame your little one was sad.

The bat and ball games I love it when we attract a crowd though. I was a single parent and so many times we have ended up with an impromptu cricket match on the beach where everyone in the vicinity just joins in. It was great fun and I appreciated it, as a single parent with one child, without attracting a crowd around us, we would have struggled to play certain games just due to numbers.

You can open yourself up to wonderful experiences as well. I remember being in a nice hotel in Thailand, aimed at local business travellers, and meeting a whole family in the pool where only one kid spoke English, who shouted loudly "aah... You swim like frog! How you swim like frog? Teach us swim like frog". Such funny memories 🤣

I appreciate you don't always want it though and it's all about balance

Don’t answer their question at all just say “where’s your grown up? Point to your grown up” They will lose interest in you quickly.

Sorry just to be clear, most of the time I am saying no I need to be with my son. I think I just feel uncomfortable with the persistance of it. My child is quite reserved so wouldn't approach anyone without an invitation, and I was brought up in the very old fashioned 'children should be seen but not heard' approach so would never have dreamt to talk to someone I didn't know.

I'm not sure if kids are more confident today, but even saying no and being quite blunt makes little difference to some. I don't want to upset someone, but some of these kids are so annoying. I just don't think it is fair that we have to abandon our activity and walk away to get some space, I think going forward I will try and engage the adults so say 'your son wants xyz, ill leave you to it' kind of thing. Although i agree with previous posters, most of the time it is hard to work out who these kids belong to as they aren't close by.

Yanbu but this sounds quite odd. You’re a modern day reluctant pied piper.

Don’t make eye contact with approaching kids. That’s my rule.

I find that children I work with are quite shy when they see me out of work, despite clearly loving me within the school setting!