Need parenting advice, at wits end

[Whatnso]

My almost four year old has gone from a chilled baby and toddler to what I can only describe as fucking awful. It’s got to be my parenting. I’m a single parent and ex has little input (his choice) though they do have a good relationship and there is regular contact, albeit spaced out.

Nothing has changed in his life to make him like this so I can only assume it’s me. His nursery setting is the same and he seems to love it. We see family and friends often. I do everything I possibly can for him.

Hes started glaring at me and shouting at me, calling me a lazy bird and a silly old butterfly. He will really try to hurt me by pinching and looks angry when he does it. He’s very big for his age (height not overweight) and he is very strong. I am quite slight and struggle to lift him when he’s being difficult.

Tonight we had just sat down to eat. He went mad because he wanted some sweets (we don’t have any). I said we don’t have pudding until after our food (and this is usually fruit and yoghurt anyway). He then started throwing things and hitting me. I tried to stay calm and talk to him but it just went on and on. I genuinely feel scared about what he will be like if this continues as he grows! As he can really hurt me even now.

I decided to take him upstairs and shut the door and told him to stay there until he was ready to talk or say sorry. He has been shouting down other unpleasant things (no swearing just comments like above) and when i go up he’s just nasty again.

I have tried to talk to him and I’ve actually tried my best to always talk about emotions and so on as I didn’t have that really at all as a child. I wanted it to be different for him. But I’m clearly messing up somewhere.

Was I right to put him in his room? I know he is tired and he can be absolutely lovely in the right mood but this behaviour is getting worse and worse. I feel embarrassed that I used to think I had a chilled child because that’s come back to bite me!!

hopeful bump

Ah that's so hard, really sorry to hear it, I definitely also very much recognise it.
How old? I find putting my kids in a room and shutting the door on them made them absolutely hysterical beyond what I could bear so I never tried it again, but I do sometimes take them into their room with me and shut the door.
When they're hysterical I consider physical causes (hunger, thirst, temperature, sleepiness).
I try to explain why when possible (eg talking about how some children end up losing their teeth because they eat too many sweets, and they have to go to the dentist lots which isn't very nice). In the food example you gave, when throwing etc set in, I would remove the food, offer a hug, but if rejected/ if ongoing hitting etc I would walk away and say, this is not acceptable behaviour, I'm ready for talk and hugs when you stop. And then let it burn out.
Sometimes I find I get caught up in trying to control their exact behaviour, whereas actually I personally find it works best if I step back, enforce my boundaries (walking away from being hit/hurt, removing food or toys that are being abused) and wait for the rage to burn out a bit before offering hugs and a conversation about those feelings.
Solidarity though, regardless of all I said above at least once a week I lose my absolute mind at them and holler like a banshee because they've driven me to distraction lol.

That sounds really hard, I'm sorry. It's definitely worth taking an objective look at your parenting approach to see if things can be tweaked. Your parenting might not be causing the bad behaviour but it could still be useful in overcoming it.

My tips for what they're worth: whatever consequences you put in place need to be very clear and consistent. So for example put up a poster with the golden rules e.g. we don't hit, we don't call each other names etc.

Explain the rules to him. Then explain the consequence. Time out if that's what you want to use, but it would be with a clear time limit. Max 5 minutes I'd say given his age. And preferably somewhere you can see him instead of his room. Some sort of time out step?

When he breaks the rules give him one very clear warning. "This is your first warning. If you continue hitting, you'll have a time out". Then stick to that. If he continues, he gets a time out.

But if there are consequences for bad behaviour you also need to make extra sure there are consequences for good behaviour too. Lots of positive attention etc.

Specifically for mealtimes, maybe get him to help you prepare the food or taking ownership of the meal in some way? It might lead to less pushback.

I'd recommend the parenting books "Good Inside" and "Hunt, Gather, Parent". I got lots of good ideas from them on how to manage behaviour before it gets to the stage where consequences are needed.

ETA: just watch out that time outs or other consequences don't end up with him getting more attention from you. Kids crave attention, even if negative, so if he feels one way to have you fully focused on him is to misbehave then he might well continue. If that is happening, then time outs are actually counterproductive.

Am so sorry to read this, sounds awful. You are amazing to be able to cope as you do. Your son is a lucky young man.

I think discussing the behaviour problems with the nursery and finding out if there are support groups/programmes locally might be a good first step.

I don’t know if a discussion with the boys father is feasible but perhaps he could play a role in emphasising to your son the good behaviour he wants to be seeing?

There are behaviour charts around where you get stars for ‘good listening’ ‘being polite/nice’. It’s good because it shifts your interaction onto focusing on when he’s good rather than when he’s not.

Thanks for the advice I am reading it all

do people think this is normal behaviour or extreme?!

Maybe trying to talk to him about emotions as you say - is just confusing him ? too much talking … kids don’t listen .

simple - behaviour - consequence .
if you want to talk about it- don’t try when he is worked up.

could he be over tired ? Kids turn into devils when they are tired .

also- where is he getting those words from ? Does anyone else call you lazy ?

This type of behaviour is common when there is no father in the home. Unfortunately you are just going to have to crack down on it, as you have done tonight. It sounds tough but hopefully if you are persistent he will learn how to be respectful. Just make sure you stay strong and do not give in as that'll make your problems far worse.

I'm wondering if something is going on at nursery, even if the staff don't see it? Is he being bullied for example?

He could also be worried about something, death, something he saw on TV or at a friend's house? Anything really.

Genuinely, my 4 year old boy almost broke me. Had been an angel up till then so easy going and POW I found him such hard work. Big feelings but not necessarily the language to explain. I promise it’s not you. I PROMISE.

When he’s upset he needs less language not more. He wants sweets, validate (me too, we dont have any today, it’s hard etc) and move on. If he stays stuck and upset that’s okay, your job isn’t to calm him down in the moment. He’s tired and disappointed, keep him safe and just let it ride out. In my experience it doesn’t last long and it burns itself out, then you can hug and do deep breaths etc and then carry on. Maybe chat about it later if you think he’s amenable. But all the chat when he’s having his wobble won’t help and won’t go in. Stay close and quiet is usually my best bet, or I hold him if I think he’s going to hurt himself/me but that’s not hugely common here.

I would say it's fairly common tbh (whether or not there's a father!) Don't take it personally - it can help to be as emotionless and objective as possible. I have seen it with boys before in particular. Hard though it is, try to be a kind and objective boss/leader rather than an emotionally involved mum. It will get worse if he thinks he can get to you unfortunately. I would just say 'when you call me nasty names or hit i know you're overtired so that means straight to bed with no tv/bed time story' (or whatever you think he'd miss - still gets a kiss goodnight obviously). Consequences should be 'natural consequences' as far as possible and delivered with empathy and objectivity. Actually i think a time out in his room is ok, probably better than a massive fight trying to get him to.sit on a step. At the end of the day he is a very young child and has no idea how sad and worried you probably feel. Which is good. He needs to feel the boundaries around him and that you're in charge and know best

I agree that validating works really really well. It baffles them 😁. 'I know you want sweets - i often want sweets too and it really upsets me that i cant eat them because they're bad for my teeth. It must feel so frustrating for you'

What a load if rubbish. I've worked with countless families and have seen this behaviour when there is a father in the home, probably more so than with a single mother.

OP, my DS (who has a father in the home) is going through this, also after being a very chilled 2 and 3 year old. I thought I'd missed the terrible 2s but I hadn't been so lucky! He does gave autism and development delay so that could be what is driving the behaviour of mine. It's tough, but just try and stick to consistency and give lots of positive praise. Is your DS starting school in a couple of weeks? That could be worrying him.

Mine was a proper dickhead at that age after being chilled and lovely up to age 3.5

Solidarity. She did improve. Eventually.

You've heard of terrible twos and threenagers - the Fucking Fours is absolutely a thing.

Sounds like yours is just going through that stage a bit later, like mine did.