AIBU not knowing whether to tell Mum about step-grandfather allegations?

[Shockedgran]

i grew up very happily in an unusual family, there were four generations.

This is long.

My Great grandmother who was widowed, my grandmother who had been abandoned by my grandfather and my mum. Our dad walked out just after I was born.

My great grandmother was the eldest of eight and her youngest brother was just a year older than my grandmother. He married for the second time to a lovely Irish lady so my grandmother had 1st cousins who were half a century younger than her, nearer our age.

They lived around the corner from us and you couldn’t have met nicer people. His kids looked after us, taught us to read, do our tables, play the piano and guitar.

When I was about 11 their mother died in her forties, followed by my great grandmother and then her brother.

I can’t remember when we lost touch with their kids, but I have tried to find the youngest daughter on facebook.

My grandmother remarried and life became very good. We called him Grandpa, and he was the kindest man, not only was he generous he bought us our own house, but he spent time with us, teaching us and making us laugh. When we talk, my sister and I talk about him with much love but my brother recognises his good points but says he was different with him being a boy, expecting him to behave in a macho way.

So nearly six decades later brings us to last Saturday and my sister was at a wedding 150 miles away and there at the wedding was our lovely cousin who had been so important to us in our childhood. The bride and groom are not related to us, it was sheer coincidence.

This cousin turns to my sister and said how horrible our step-grandfather was and how he had put his tongue down her throat and would grab her and how her 17 year old boyfriend had hit him.

This was the man we adored and whose generosity turned our life around.

I haven’t been able to sleep. I am in my 70s but my mother is still alive. My sister wants to tell her but my brother and I don’t.

My sister doesn’t want to believe her. I don’t know what to think.

How awful, I’m sorry. What a bombshell.

Why does your sister want to tell her?

In your place I would directly ask my sister if he displayed any similar behaviour towards her. Although, of course, if she says yes then you have an even more complicated situation on your hands.

For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t want to tell my mum either if i were in your place.

He did not ever act inappropriately to me, my sister or the one niece that we have spoken with.

My sister refuses to believe the allegation but we loved our cousin as a child.

My brother never liked him as much as we did but recognised the good things he did for us.

My grandfather tried to make my brother be a more traditional man and made him go fishing etc. He was told that he had feminine ways as he had been brought up in an all female household.

This has been a shock for us.

What would she have to gain by lying at this stage of life?

So step Grandad lived with you and your grandma and mum?
The cousin lived elsewhere and he was, what, a step uncle? Was your grandma her aunt/great aunt? How come you lost touch with her when her mum died, but your step grandad was in touch when she was 17?

It doesn’t really impact anything, but it seems odd. Are you sure the details add up, and she isn’t referring to someone else?

She was definitely talking about him.

In spite of a massive age gap she was my grandmother’s first cousin.

We lost touch once she and her siblings sold their house which was around the corner from where we grew up.

That’s tragic for all of you. You losing the man you thought was wonderful, and her having experienced that. I’m so sorry.

I wouldn’t tell your mum, personally. It doesn’t impact her, she can’t do anything about it. Better to leave her in blissful ignorance.

I'm sorry for your shock. However, I wanted to post as although bought up together, my mum's parenting was very different between me and my siblings. Ask one and she was the best mum ever, anything you could have hoped for. Ask me? Well, it was totaly the opposite. It is possible that your relative acted differently to different people.

I assume the step grandad is now dead? In that case, I don’t think you need to tell anyone.

Your mum must be in her mid to late 90s?

I wouldn’t tell her. I wouldn’t want to cause her that kind of stress at this stage in her life.

I assume this man is long dead? And your mother quite elderly? I don’t see what would be gained by telling her.

I’d believe it though, it would be genuinely mad behaviour for someone to just make this up. What reason could there be.

I don't see any point in telling your mum. It's was her mum's husband and her second cousin. It's really none of her concern.

But cousin obviously isn't lying. What would be the point? He clearly saw her as fair game with her not being directly related and was clearly misogynistic with how he treated your brother. You seem to just like him because he gave your mum alot of money.

She has absolutely nothing at all to gain from lying about it. An old man turns out to be a pervert, shocker 🤷

He has been dead for four decades.

My sister now wants to introduce the subject of grandfather and ask her what she thought of him and was he as perfect as he seemed.

He was generous and that was definitely part of why I liked him as a child. I had been brought up in a happy loving household but money was tight however, he was also a very nice man. He spent time with us, was patient with us and read to us and taught us things.

Both things can be true op. People can be kind and loving and also horrid perverts to different people.

No, I wouldn’t tell her. I assume he is no longer alive? Protecting other children would be my only concern. If he’s dead, then I don’t think that applies.

In my personal experience (this has happened twice in my family with offences that stepfathers committed being revealed), the messenger absolutely gets shot. I had to tell my mum that I stumbled across information online that my stepdad had previous convictions for child sexual offences.

I actually went to therapy for 3 months to prepare to have that conversation. Dh and I started planning for what if he threw her out when she confronted him and she had to come live with us. I hired a PI just to confirm the convictions were actually his and I hadn’t gotten this wrong.

My mum was not happy with me. She turned on me very quickly. It became a 3 year campaign of abuse and harassment, culminating in them spreading lies about Dh and I saying we blackmailed them and stole money and cut them off from their grandchildren when we got found out. I’ve had all sorts of harassment by friends of theirs and stalking. It literally destroyed me. I finally had to move away and they no longer know where we live. I still get an abusive email a few times a year, but that’s largely it.

She was not grateful to be told and was not happy I knew and it’s completely destroyed our relationship. I haven’t seen her in over 6 years. If you have an otherwise good relationship, I’d let this lie. It will not do anyone any good as long as he is good and dead.

But why?

Telling a woman who must be ~95 “did you know, when you thought everything was good, and your mother thought she was married to a wonderful man, actually he was a scumbag” isn’t going to achieve anything good. What is ruining the memory of her mother’s seemingly happy marriage going to accomplish.

sorry but she sounds cruel.

you're all in your 70s, your Mom is in her 90s and as she approaches the final years your sister wants to start dropping hints that her he was a pervert / sex offender / hebephile? for what gain? the stress and upset is hardly going to be good for your Mom. the man has been dead 40 years.

is she always this much of a trouble maker?