AIBU to want a court order and CMS for structure?

[SassyCrab]

I have two seperate questions as i'm getting really stressed by the dynamic as I need structure. I took DC away for his birthday for 9 nights which I gave my ex enough notice, he didn't seem to care at all. I asked him if he wanted to have him the extra weekend as he has him every other weekend, which he agreed. Then he decided to book a holiday on the weekend after I get back which is his weekend with DC, I wasn't happy about it and told him he will need to reschedule in which he said he would but blocked me. I haven't heard from him since so messaged his mum to ask what was the plan this weekend and she said he's away but she can have him for 1 night instead of the weekend as she has plans. I don't know whether to go court just so we have something set in place so there is structure as i'm sick of him just changing things around that suits him & causing arguments.

To add every month when it comes to child maintenance he does eventually pay it, but I have to keep asking for him to do it and the dynamic is causing me stress and effecting me, in an ideal world I don't want to speak to him because we can't stand each other and it's effecting my MH as he knows how to get to me! Shall I go through child maintenance directly, will this stop this?

Keep to an exact schedule
No swapping.
Contact cms.

Always avoid court if possible. Having a court order won't stop him messing around and it will bring you a world of stress and probably many unintended consequences. But in fact you booked holiday over his time and then get the hump over him doing the same so I'm not sure it is on him really?

Clearly you can take it to court to agree to a CAO, but you can’t force him to actually have his dc on his allocated days. Did your DC miss his weekend with his DF because you took him away? With a CAO stating he sees his DF EOW you’d not be able to take him away on his father’s days.

I booked a holiday over his weekend because it was my DC birthday and I wanted to take him away, I told him months in advance and like I said if he wanted to he could do two weekends in a row but don't have too, he was completely fine with it. I was away from 7th till 16th so he had two weekends which he had no responsibility but chose to book a holiday from 19th till 23rd, in which he won't of seen his son for 5 weeks in total and I have a toddler who needs stability.

He missed one weekend, which my ex had him the two weekends in a row before we went away to make up for it. Then booked a holiday for the weekend he's meant to have DS, without even asking - it was more just because I need structure and he can't communicate or amicably solve things without it getting nasty,

Ok so in this situation, I would go to cms for the maintenance, unless hes paying above???

To avoid court because you cant force him, can you instead set up a seperate email and calendar which can be used. If he starts to fail, you have evidence for court in the future but ultimately he can just refuse. Its shit but that's how it is.

To sort out the payment issue - I agree go through CSM.

with regards to the pattern and sticking to it, you don’t really have a leg to stand on as it’s you who changed the pattern in the first place. Be careful with the court order for standard pattern because if in future your dc’s birthday or Xmas falls on your ex’s weekend you won’t be able to request a swap.

Payment wise - you can go via CMS but they charge so everyone is better off if can sustain regular payments between yourselves. Setting up a standing order is the straightforward way to do that.

Consistency wise - even with court agreed arrangements they’re still a right not a requirement. So it wouldn’t help this set up.

You can't have a go at him when you swapped in the first place!
Cms for maintenance though.

There's a lot of 'told him'. You shouldn't tell him, you should discuss and jointly agree anything relating to your child. You took him away on his birthday without asking his father if that was ok. That's is not on and very selfish.

I don't know why you want to go to court. Sounds like you wanted to take your son away when it suited you and then for annoy because you didn't the free weekend you wanted when back.

That's not how it works and the judge will tell you you are being unreasonable. As said, a judge can't force a parent to have their child. They can force a parent from taking their child away on holiday when it's not their time though.

So he wanted you to have DC an extra weekend so he could go away? At first it reads like he wanted to take DC on holiday with him and you said no.

No court in the world will stop that nonsense. A court order just tells you when you have to make DC available, it doesn’t actually compel your ex to turn up and take him. I don’t think it will help you here, it will just tie your hands more.

CMS is different. Definitely approach them and get that formalised (unless he is currently paying significantly over the odds as they will only go with the prescribed amount, not any private arrangement for extra)

Perhaps a court agreement would make it easier for you both, but as already mentioned you would need to then stick to it and not ask for swaps. The court order is likely to state a week's holiday can be taken but dates must be given in advance. Therefore you might have less opportunity to have the holiday you want when you want it.
Also regarding your son's birthday and Christmas if it falls on your exes time then you would have to accept you wouldn't see your son on those days.

She did ask her father if she can take the child away and gave him notice. He wasn’t bothered either way. He was meant to have the child on another week though and he wasn’t available.

OK @SassyCrab stress reduction:

Agree the pattern (if it needs starting again, otherwise leave it as it is) and then stick to that. If he can't make his weekend, then he loses that time with his son, no swapping. That way there is no need for discussions, sometimes the calendar won't suit you...like wanting to be away on holiday...but then you have a choice - take the dates you want (with lots of notice as you have done, ideally at the start of the year, and always in writing) or stick to the pattern. As the resident parent who has our DC 6 nights a week and throughout the holidays, I eventually decided to do the former, XH grouses about it, but never asks for additional time in return. No court, that won't solve the issue and will just up the ante and cost money.

Financially, if he's messing about - CMS, but as others have said they only ask for the minimum so if you're getting more than that, you need to weigh up whether consistency or more cash is more valuable to you; I'm not challenging you - for me, peace and not having to deal with my abusive XH is worth a few quid.

So both things are fixable, set things up the way that causes you least hassle...it is very hard to get out of the habit of trying to be reasonable/chasing with an antagonistic ex, so do neither, and get as much of your life back as possible.

Thank you for your for advice! This is what I needed to hear not people saying I’m in the wrong for taking my child away on holiday for his birthday which cost me a lot of money (more than what my ex does) but yes I just don’t want to deal with him anymore, he does what he wants regardless and just causes me so much stress. I get £100 more by him doing it but it means I have to chase him constantly & it’s not worth the headache 🤕

All of that may be true but still avoid court if you want an easier life.

Court would be an expensive waste of time tbh. Sure, they can come up with a schedule but unless one parent is preventing contact at all, there’s not much they will or really can, do about that, they can’t make parents give a shit.

Absolutely go through CMS for child support though. Selfish fucker might actually pay on time if the alternative is collect and pay which adds 20% of each monthly payment to his bill. (It also takes a smaller percentage off of you).

You told him you were taking a holiday across the child’s birthday.
if you get to tell him what your doing then he can do the same.
a court order won’t force him to turn up but it’ll remove you being able to have holidays when you want as you’ll have to make the child available.

CMS yes, court order is useless in this situation

Difference is I have DS full time apart from 2 weekends a month, I don’t feel like when you see your child the bare minimum you have the same right, but equally I’m not going to force him to have his child it’s just sad because I know my son loves his dad and his dad is happy to not see him for 5 weeks. He didn’t even wish him happy birthday so I have no regrets taking him away on his weekend because he didn’t care regardless as it’s less time with responsibility

Legally he does have the same right however. And the court would view it that way. Please take our word for it, going to court is not going to help you.