I feel very unhappy. Can’t pinpoint one issue but just a life of problems.
I had a very traumatic childhood, parents divorced but were On and off, riddled with lots of trauma due to this. Mother was extremely emotionally abusive and lost father to suicide. After university I left, moved to a new city and tried very hard to make a life. Her hold over me was strong for a good 15 years after that.
I met dh and life got so much better. First time that I had unconditional support and love. He also helped me break away from that toxic family.
We also live in a different part of the world now. he came from his own trauma too with family. I don’t like his family. Not a bit. Too many reasons to list. We are civil and get along in person but they are extremely false and cold people. It really has been the best thing to happen that we live thousands of miles from everyone.
He lost an immediate family member, a very toxic one and has since become more concerned on everyone getting along. Willing to overlook everything and make the most of time. I get it.
We have 3 kids who see all the family every 2-3 years. During that trip, they are spoilt and adored. So they love the family and I love that they get to see only the good parts.
The huge dilemma I’m facing is that we have planned a trip during half term and I’m just dreading it. If I don’t see any of them again, it really wouldn’t bother me. My tolerance tank is zero for anyone.
Dh on the other hand is so hopeful and in a grieving state. My kids are excited. There’s no option of me not going as my kids won’t go without me and I wouldn’t be happy being so far away from them. To add to this nightmare, there’s a big family event happening in my family and that’s the last thing I want to do - is talk and smile with people who I could not care less about. Dh has saved me and planned something with his family so that I get out of that.
I’m not sure what I even want from this thread, just a place to let it out. Dh is dealing with the family loss and I really don’t want to put this on him as he has supported me so much in life. I just cannot stand anyone and I’ve worked so hard in my life to forget about them all, and when I’m back there I just go back to this traumatised child again. I’ve had lots of therapy but somehow that environment just overpowers me. What can I do to not go back emotionally to that place?