AIBU to expect my sister to visit us at our parents’ house?

[jmrpinkie]

Sibling Help!

I have one sibling. I’m youngest.

me: two kids, live abroad and in a relationship with partner for 10 years.

sister: no kids, lives in the same city as our parents, in a relationship with partner for 2 years.

we are very different. We don’t not get on but we’re also not best friends. I love her very much. We both have a great relationship with our parents. She lived with them until she bought her home 3 years ago.

everytime we have visited my home city we stay with my parents - big house, lots of space, and for years she was living there or coming back from abroad too so it always made sense. Since she moved out we still stay with my parents and pop to hers (20 min drive) the odd time to say hello or have a meal. We don’t always have a car or we may just be there for a couple nights so often it is hard and I will be frank I guess I expect her to come to see us at my parents if we are back for a flying visit because we have two kids (one is a baby) and she can stay if she wanted.

for a while I have sensed it bothers her that we don’t always go to her house to see her. And this trip it surfaced. I had suggested when DP went back home for work myself and the two kids would come to stay a night. I didn’t want to, not because I don’t want to see her but because she has one room and I would have to share a bed with my son who has night terrors and baby is waking lots for feeds etc so selfishly I just felt if she wanted quality time together could she not come to my parents (it’s not the one on one time she wants either) so I didn’t have to drag the kids out of routine. But anyways I sensed it was important so I made the suggestion. Fast forward to the night before and I had a shit night. Baby was awake every hour so I said look we’ll hang out day as planned and go for dinner etc but I’ll drive home at 7 ish with baby and my son would still stay with her. She got really emotional and cross telling me I didn’t understand what it meant for her to have someone stay in her home etc etc. which is true. She came to visit where I live and the first time she didn’t even come to see the new house I bought. It upset me but I got it. She was busy and it wasn’t convenient for her so I didn’t want to force her to.

I just felt she was pushing me to do something I obviously didn’t want to do. I’m in two minds.

she is right - it’s important to her so yes as someone I love I should make adjustments.

but I feel she isn’t willing to make them for me but also I guess maybe I never clearly set them out. But then I just think it will turn into an argument. I’ve suggested before she come stay at my parents and she just will be like no it doesn’t suit me.

I know I’m trying to do what suits me best I guess too but and am I saying my needs are more important because I have kids which isn’t fair?

I feel torn about how to strike a balance. It really upset me how forceful she was so I just want to find a middle ground help!

Yes you're being unfair. It's important to her that she hosts you. By only meeting at your parents' she probably constantly feels that she's not fully seen as an adult with her own home.

And yes, I'm watching the 'child-free/less sibling having to take second place to their sibling with kids' thing happening on both sides of my family at the moment. And I can see the hurt in the eyes of both non-parents every time they have to take a back seat to accommodate their siblings. They always say 'no, it's fine' but I can see that after a while it isn't. Your sister is tired of hiding it. And at some point it might be that those in my family might also snap.

Ok this is good to know. Thanks for the perspective.

I guess I find it hard not living at home and travelling back and trying to balance and juggle seeing everyone with it also trying to feel someway relaxing. But then is that mine to deal with not living there? I guess so.

Thanks for reading through by the way - a very long post.

I feel like no is being especially unreasonable here but you have a stressor she doesn’t - travel with small children. I can understand she wants to host you, can your eldest stay with your parents and you & the baby stay with your sister? Travel with young kids staying somewhere that isn’t set up for them is really hard on them and you. Does she have toys? Kids cutlery etc? Highchair? Travel cot?

Yeah I guess this is kind of where I’m coming from.

i know my feelings were because I just wanted it to be as easy as it can be for me (which is probably unfair but we’d already spent a night to break the journey, then a week in my friends house (they were away) so it wasn’t too full on for my parents and then moved back into my parents) but I also felt it wasn’t that unreasonable or stressful for her to come stay at my parents (they were actually away that night so would have had time together just us). She also has a dog and you’re right no high chair etc so I couldn’t put my baby down on the floor etc. she did very kindly buy a travel cot which was why I knew it was so important to her.

and I’m conscious of what @saraclara has said that does she feel it’s all about my kids - I don’t want that (we had a spat about her bringing her dog to my parents which is why I sensed the wider issue - no issue with her bringing the dog to be clear at all I just wanted her to know my DD would be down on the floor and was she ok to keep dog away and on lead - she said if she couldn’t bring the dog she wouldn’t come which really upset me )

The next night my son asked could we all stay with her again and I just said look we can’t as I really need to have a good nights sleep with everyone in their own bed (daughter does not sleep well in travel cot to add to the issue!!) but that he could stay. He did and was so excited.

I hope you told her how much her nephew enjoyed his sleepover with his auntie. That sort of quality one to one time is what both the child free/less women in my family and their little nieces, love.

I sure did and it was so clear from all the messages and photos etc. she spoilt him.

It's a really tricky one.

I don't think you should feel obligated to stay with her, and I do see that if she has limited space, it may be more impractical than she realises, since she doesn't have children.

But, it stuck out to me that you think you are the one making adjustments - surely, it's the opposite?! You expect her to fit in with your routine and visit while at your parents. As a PP says, that is a bit sad for her as it's not treating her as an adult.

I think you maybe need to explain to her more clearly if/why you can't visit at hers. But also, would it be impossible for you to stay somewhere on your own and visit both of them? Or to organise a holiday for the whole family where you can get together?

It's no fun for you if your sister's place is genuinely too small, but it's also unfair to expect her to keep coming to your parents' house if she doesn't want to do that.

Could you go by yourself to stay with her sometime, for a 'just sisters' catch up? Or as has been said, take one of the kids only and their dad has the others with him

Yeah I think I need to find the balance. It’s unfair of me to expect her to come to my parents or to us in general just because I have kids. It’s probably naturally weighted towards me because of the kids.

we are also just different. If the situation was reversed I wouldn’t expect her to stay with me but would love if she did. Just both have conflicting demands. I want a relationship with her so I need to be more open. More relaxed perhaps. Accept out of routine for a day or so.

it just stung when she said she wouldn’t come to my parents if she couldn’t bring her dog given she hadn’t seen us since we arrived.

You mention the dog - is it easy for her to leave her dog? I have to factor my dog in to every visit I plan.
It is much easier for my sister to visit me fot that reason .

It makes no sense staying at your sisters if your parents have a bed for you 20 minutes drive away. It just doesn’t. It’s not personal it’s not being picking one over the other. It’s just the way it is. But you could always suggest you and your sister have a night out together and she could have her nephews and niece over one of the nights for a sleepover, but it’s quite simple she doesn’t have the room to accommodate

I think she's being unreasonable to expect you to stay when she doesn't have a good set up for you. I have older siblings so they had children long before me and I understood I needed to fit in around them to help them.

I think, on balance, you should try to do this if you can. It’s not about convenience, it’s about emotions. She, for whatever reason, wants to feel that you have visited her ‘properly’.

There may also a slight sense of your parents and wider family celebrating the returning child (with grandchildren!) but overlooking the one who has been there all along, a la the prodigal son.

Can you buy an Ikea highchair and keep it at your parents’ house? Then take the legs off to take it to her place. That will keep your baby off the floor and away from the dog.

It won’t be perfect staying there but hopefully in ten years time you will have forgotten that bad night’s sleep and still be enjoying a good relationship with your sister.

Hard disagree
If you host then you should have space to host and not expect guests to have a dreadful nights sleep so that you dont have a strop
Shes being ridiculous and immature
Dont fall for it