AIBU to not invite a boy who has hurt my son? Party predicament!

[Ohbabypinkpanties]

I’m having a proper wobble about my son’s birthday party and would really appreciate some honest opinions.

My son was invited to this boy’s small birthday party, and now I’m planning my son’s. It isn’t a whole-class party but my son has said he doesn’t want to invite this boy.

I feel awful because he invited my son to his very small party , so it feels mean not to reciprocate. He is only five and I’m sure he will hear about the party and realise he wasn’t invited.

The reason my son doesn’t want him there is that he has been quite aggressive towards him in the past: scratching, kicking and biting him . He has hurt many children . I know he struggles with his behaviour and I genuinely feel sorry for him. I don’t think he’s a nasty child.

I’ve also been to other parties where I’ve seen his mum ignore or brush off his aggressive behaviour, which makes me nervous about having him at my son’s party. I know I’d struggle to just ignore it if something happened.

The issue is that his mum has always been friendly to me, and I know other mums have sometimes frozen her out because of issues with her son. I’d feel awful if she thought I was doing the same. I’m already worrying about how awkward it might be seeing her at school afterwards. I think it’s highly likely she would
confront me about her son not being invited.

So I’m torn between thinking “it’s my son’s party and he should be able to choose who he wants there” and feeling like I’m being horrible by leaving this boy out when he invited my son. As well as not wanting drama with this said woman for the next 6 years.

Would you respect your child’s wishes in this situation, or invite him anyway because he invited your child?

Don't make your son have someone there that's mean to him.
You want to make your son uncomfortable so you don't have to be and that's not fair.

I think you have hit the nail on the head ! Maybe this is a me issue !

I think it’s highly likely she would
confront me about her son not being invited

Tell her they don’t get on anymore since her son hurt yours.

Really, whose feelings are more important to you, your own child’s or this woman who doesn’t appear to care when her 5 year old attacks his classmates?

Would you invite someone who injured you to your birthday?

Invite his friends, respect his wishes, have a wonderful birthday and don’t borrow trouble by worrying she’ll be upset or what the next 6 years look like.

You’re being very judgy about other parents freezing her out. I don’t try to befriend adults whose children upset mine. That’s perfectly normal. She had her chance to deal with his behaviour at the parties you’ve seen her at and she didn’t. There are consequences, this is one of them.

There's absolutely no obligation to invite anyone to a small party. You don't need to wring your hands over it - there'll be hundreds of party invitations over the years.

Yes it’s a you issues, you’ve not once said anything about your sons feelings other than he’s upset by this boy. You’re more worried about the way it’ll play out between you and the mum. Put your son first.

Okay all. Thank you . These have been sobering . My son’s wishes come first. I can see how short sighted I have been! Thank you.

I've done this. I think the mum got the message, sadly, she was so nice as well. A bit too nice since she was bullied by her own very young kids. However, i wasn't going to let her kid ruin DCs bday. Playdates also ended.

Who matters more- the mum or your son? Can’t believe you’re even having to ask this.

Yep don't make your son invite someone who's been mean to him is the golden rule here. If you were inviting the whole class, leaving someone out who's birthdays your son had been invited to might be trickier, but you're not, so it's fine.

Put your son first not your self. Social awkwardness is not a valid reason to ignore your son’s wishes of not having someone at his party who was physically violent to him. Imagine if it was your party and your husband invited someone that assaulted you.

Maybe take it as an opportunity to learn how to assert boundaries, it’s good to get practice, it is difficult, there have been times I regretted not asserting boundaries around kine because it made me uncomfortable. You’ll feel worse for allowign it to happen than you will if you have to have a confrontation about it. Tbh I’d feel a lot more conflicted if I thought the parents were trying to manage behaviour which it doesn’t sound like they are,

You don’t have to be unkind at any point to do this. It will of course feel hurtful but your son needs you to stand up for him sometimes until he can do it for himself.

I dare say the mum is nice to you, she seems to be losing all other friends due to her own inability to keep her DS in check.
Let your DS enjoy his day with the friends he chooses to.

He's 5 and he's still learning those social skills; he needs to learn quickly but I would still do the kind thing and invite him.

I would talk to the mum though, and ask if she could stay and watch him. I would be honest about why and if she gets defensive, say that you don't want to hurt her or her DS, but that you have a duty to ensure the children at the party remain safe.

Do you genuinely feel comfortable comparing adults to children who are still mentally building their entire world order?

The lack of compassion upsets me. I do not condone his aggressive behaviour, but divisions in society impact everyone - this mum needs to be told honestly what people are struggling with, before she and her DS are left to find out the hard way.

The OPer has seen how the DC's mum deals with his behaviour, below is from their OP, so there's every chance if the DC does go his mum will do exactly the same and the boys party will be ruined.

I’ve also been to other parties where I’ve seen his mum ignore or brush off his aggressive behaviour, which makes me nervous about having him at my son’s party.

Teaching the child that isn’t my own how to not be violent isn’t my priority, looking after your own is.