Excluded by friends with kids

[Whatsyourflavour12]

I don't yet have children, as my life just hasn't worked out that way yet. I've got a group of friends from school, few of them live 1 hour's drive, 2 of them live about 2 hours' drive and 1 is 2 hours by train.
I think with that sort of distance a few times a year is reasonable, however I found out the ones with children regularly meet up themselves.

I do understand why, but on the other hand it is always me who initiates meet ups, the only time I'm ever invited is a big event like a wedding or baby shower, but none of them initiate anything. Im always the one travelling to them and being accommodating, going to soft play etc. Which I am happy to do.

I'm lucky if I see them once a year now, it's twice on a good year. The thing is what if I wanted to have children but couldn't due to infertility, couldn't afford it etc. Do I still need to be excluded because I 'just wouldn't get it'? Where do you draw the line?

Ah that's tough, how old are the assorted DC? Depending on age (e.g. breastfeeding, 5am wakeups etc) it might just be that going 'out' especially in the evenings isn't really something they are thinking about at the moment.

I know it's awkward, but have you tried talking to them about it? Maybe they think you will be bored going to even more softplays/picnics/parks or they think you will be busy.

All kids are under 5, I don't drink and I don't really do nights out as such anyway, happy to just go to a café. I'm worried about looking 'needy' (which seems to be a thing on here, if you dare to want communication more than once a year'

And I think it's just about being given the choice, like with my example of the person who may be unable to have children but wanted them, should they be forever excluded?

I think parents of young children understandably are very focused on child related issues and like to compare notes with other parents and provide playmates for each other. Childfree friends can't do this so they go off the social radar for a while. Very upsetting for the childfree person especially when they long for their own children.
I am saying'person' but really mean 'woman'.

Do you think they might feel you might be uncomfortable if all they talk about is children, knowing you can't have them? Even if we try to avoid talking about them, every conversation my friend and I have ends up back at that!

Also they might feel bad suggesting meeting if they can only do it with kids, knowing that they also won't necessarily be able to sit and chat. I recall often starting conversations and never finishing them as one person would end up having to find their children or deal with an issue.

Do they live closer to each other than you do to them? Or are you all scattered from each other? 1-2 hours in the car is a bit of a pain with young kids.

You’ve dodged a bullet if they have very young children, I was in similar situation as I had a child later than all my friends but as we live close I met up with them regularly when I was child free & nothing was more tedious than days out or lunches with the kids involved so only accepted adult only meet ups. I assume they want to meet up with kids all the time

Personally if I was planning a kid centred day with a few friends who have kids of similar ages I wouldn’t generally extend the invite to friends without children.

I don't think you would sound needy. Your friends are all probably just so tired/busy that they aren't thinking about anything outside their immediate families, and would feel bad if they knew you were feeling left out.

I also think, even if you never did have children, things would naturally improve as their DC got older and they had more time to themselves/it would be more practical to socialise child free again.

Children under 5 are really hard work and your friends have enough to do holding their lives together, they have little time, energy or money for arranging anything with friends.

Communicate to your friends...
If you think I would be bored to meet up at a children's playground think again. Just so you know, I love when you include me on child centric outings even though I have no children.
Say it once and back it up in writing by including it in a thank you note posted to the whole family after a meet up.

Then what ever happens you will know that if you are left out it is for genuine logistical reasons.

Those people might find the childless friends they had little time for have moved on.

When are these meet ups? Are they on mat leave/SAHM so can meet during the week when you’re maybe working?

I think they probably assume a very kid focused activity would be boring for you (and I expect there’s more wrangling of children than actual socialising honestly). It’s not about excluding anyone, but you could ask to tag along and see if you actually enjoy it.

I wouldn't ask to tag along if I found out I'd been deliberately excluded.

They’re probably not deliberately excluding you, just being a parent to young children is both physically and mentally exhausting and it’s just easier to do a small meet up with friends in the same situation.