AIBU to stop initiating contact with my dad after years of effort?

[Goosegeesemoosemeese]

I was not very close to my parents growing up. It’s complicated, but there was some trauma linked to my birth that my mum essentially blamed me for. They provided for me, but I never felt loved the same way they loved my two siblings, who would get affection and attention. For example, my mum had never hugged me or told me she loved me. Not once. As adults, my siblings now have children, so my parents would travel to visit them at least once a month but had never come to see me in my home despite inviting them. I don’t have children.

Three years ago, my mum became very ill and died after about 8 months of hospice and care home support. I would travel every weekend two hours each way to visit and relieve my Dad so he could rest. In the last months when mum got worse, I would also go midweek after work. My siblings visited maybe once every 6 weeks during this time.

It has taken this long for me to process my mum’s death and all the horrible mixed feelings I have about my upbringing. I know I’m a selfish and horrible person for thinking this, but it’s more peaceful without my mum here.

Now, the only time I hear from my Dad is if I initiate contact. He will readily agree to me coming to his place to take him out for lunch (I drive him and pay) or to help him with cleaning he’s not able to do. I know my siblings get regular calls and texts from him weekly, but I don’t get anything unless I message first. About four weeks ago, he made a sarcastic remark about being on a ‘visitation schedule’ like he’s in prison because of my regular visits and something quietly just broke in me.

AIBU to have decided just to let him contact me first for a change? Four weeks and counting…

It sounds like it’s you who has made all the effort and it’s absolutely fair enough to take a rest. I would take the time for some self-reflection maybe to unpick what you really want rather than feeling duty-bound by parents who have always let you down. I’m sorry 😔, it sounds painful.

Your mum blamed you, a defenseless baby, for her difficult labour and birth and your dad allowed and facilitated your loveless childhood while your siblings were treated with love and kindness?

I'd stop all contact with him. Leave it up to your favoured siblings.

I'm so sorry about the way you were treated by both your parents from your traumatic birth, throughout your childhood and into your adulthood. It was totally unfair to be blamed for something that you had no control over. TBH your parents sound like monsters to pretty much reject you from the moment of your birth.

Family dynamics can be really tough. Different children in a family can experience different sides of parents because of the situations the parents were in when the child was born. No two children were raised the same. And those wounds can be deep and unrepairable - unless the parent has the emotional capacity to recognise how the child is feeling.

After a few years with an excellent therapist I realised that parents are just human beings, they are not perfect, they don’t come with a parenting manual, every parent effects their kids in some way and that they too carry emotional baggage from their lives but what can be true at the same time is that I was deeply let down by them, they put me in danger, didn’t offer emotional safety and effected my childhood and adulthood massively.

I don’t have contact either my mother anymore but I do with my dad - ONLY because I have a wonderful step mother. I actually see her privately most of the time. My dad is incapable of seeing beyond his own wants and needs. He is utterly selfish and emotionally immature - he rarely sees my kids - and if he does it’s because I’m meeting with my step mother. Yet he will happily drive all over for his step grandkids and take them fishing.

My kids dont particularly like him.

Sometimes our parents can’t be the people we need them to be and that can sting. But I found it easier letting them go and detaching from that emotional baggage. Their relationship with you isn’t a reflection of who you are - it’s all about them and what they have capacity for.

Let him go, work on who you are. Work on what you bring to the table yourself for yourself and the other relationships you have in your life. It honestly isn’t a reflection of who you are.

@dotdotdotdash and @thepariscrimefiles thank you for taking the time to respond.

I’ve kind of come to terms with the past, though it does still hurt. It’s a big reason why I’ve not pursued having my own children because I worry I’d be an awful mum.

With my dad, I didn’t deliberately set out to abandon him, but just took some time to myself. His lack of contact has been a bit of an eye opener to me. I guess I never realised that it was only ever me initiating, because he does always reply when I’ve contacted him.

YANBU to stop initiating context, especially after his sarcastic remark. It seems like he doesn’t particularly want to see you regularly either.

What’s your relationship like with your siblings? Do they acknowledge that you were treated differently to them?

Sorry your family have treated you that way.

Suggest the ‘Stately Homes’ threads in relationships section, for resources, and professional help if you can afford or access it.

You’re not any of the bad things you say you are. Your parents, sadly, were/are the problem.

@Toomanycatsandkids I’m so sorry you’ve had your own difficult experiences. It sounds as though you’ve found a way to make it work for you, so well done! It’s great that you have that relationship with your stepmum.

@Ace56 my siblings are pretty clueless. They’re both very nice people but so different to me, yet similar to each other, that they don’t see how things were for me growing up. Even with black and white stuff like mum’s will. There were specific savings for my siblings from her, so while most just transferred to dad, my siblings both got a five figure amount of money she had saved for them, but not for me. They rationalised it as being for the grandkids.

Let me guess OP, you don't really enjoy those visits, you do them because you feel you should?

I was like that. Then my father started an argument and refused to apologise. It's been a few years since I've had contact with him. It was difficult for a while, having to accept that he's not the person I needed him to be (a caring father). But I feel happier now I've come to terms with it.

@MinnieMountain I don’t look forward to those visits, but they’re nice enough when I’m there. Dad tends to ramble and tells me tales of his youth in great detail nowadays.

It definitely is more a sense of duty. I was really surprised by how little my siblings went to see my mum when she was ill. I expect they’ll be similar if/ when my dad needs care, so then I’ll feel duty bound to look after him.