AIBU to feel frustrated by comments about returning to work?

[DaffyDil0]

I’m returning to work after maternity leave in a few weeks. I was having a catch up with a friend earlier and discussing how I would love to take more time off and that I can’t believe I now have a 1 year old.

She said something that I keep hearing people say when talking about not returning to work - ‘There’s always time to make money but you’ll never get this time back with your child’.

I know there’s always time to make money but AIBU in being frustrated that I keep hearing this? I would LOVE to stay off work for longer but I need the money to pay my mortgage and bills now, not in 5 years!

I know everyone has a different financial situation but the people I’ve heard say it recently (including my friend) don’t have high-earning partners so I just don’t know if I’m living in an alternate universe!

It’s just something people say, I wouldn’t read anything into it. You probably feel a bit sensitive because you’d love more time at home with your baby, most people know that for many reasons people need to go back to work.

Urgh. Another trope to make working parents feel crap.

Ignore. You will get these and they will hit like a truck as working parent guilt (well usually mum guilt mainly) is so real.

'that's nice, sadly my mortgage provider doesn't agree'

I sometimes wonder if it would be better for the child if men got an equal maternity leave too. They couldn't replace the mother but it might still be better if the baby was with a biological parent when the mum goes back to work.

It is well documented that women’s earning power drops considerably after they have children if they give up work or go part time - Pregnant Then Screwed is a whole and very good book about it.

So your friend is wrong. Having always had to work full time (would have loved part time but never had an employer that would agree to it) my advice is not to waste time feeling guilty, but ensure you always take time off for the big stuff (school plays etc.) Your child really needs you there for those.

Where possibly, take some unpaid parental leave in the school summer holidays (may be less relevant if you work part time.)

It’s not ideal for any of us but we get through…

It's a really stupid thing to say. The longer you stay off, the more salary and pension disadvantage you acquire and long run that can be very expensive indeed!

If a sentiment sounds like it could be on one of those soppy Live Laugh Love ornaments, it's best ignored.

You can be absolutely sure the dads are not saying this to each other.

Yes sounds annoying. There’s always time to make money… but I can’t just survive on air and be homeless so where are they getting the advance on this future money that would enable you to take time off?

I’m a teacher so school plays will be tricky - I won’t say impossible because I’ll do everything I can to get there but yeah, tricky.

I suppose it could mean work as little as possible if you can maybe? I only worked two days when my children were younger, but I never underestimated how lucky I was to be able to do that. I also increased my hours when my children were old to ensure I still have a decent pension. Sometimes ‘friends’ can be a little careless

I do think a lot of it is my feelings of guilt making it worse but honestly, I was beginning to think it was me not living in the real world!

You're a teacher! Just say to the next soppy friend, "I shall really look forward to school holidays." That will annoy them.

I got that all the time when I was in this position, in the 2000s. Shame things don't seem to have moved on. People going on as if my job (as a lawyer, by the way) was pin money, a bit of fun or self-indulgent of me. In fact I was already the main earner and even part time I earned more than DH.

I'd say things like "Well, I think it's rather nice to be able to pay the bills, don't you?"

She doesn’t know your financial situation so she’s unaware it’s not an option for you.

some people could just about afford it but would have a change of lifestyle so prefer two working parents. Maybe she thinks you’re one of those and just choosing to go back for extra money not essential money

Women's sole role in life is caring for children it seems

Nope. In the real world children need food, shelter, clothes, shoes, and they all need to be paid for.

Also in the real world women, just like men, get a sense of achievement through work. No one tells a man there’s always time to make money, that they’ll never get this time again with their kids but it’s just as true for men as for women.

It’s good for kids to understand that their lives are facilitated and paid for through work, it’s good for them to see women being successful in their chosen field, and while you won’t have this time with them, their lives won’t be enhanced by you being unable to house and clothe them.

Agreed OP - there is loads of this guilt-inducing guff around at the moment.

’oh you only have 4 years of little kids before school’

‘oh it’s the late summer you’ll have with them before they’re at school’

‘oh you only have 18 summers with them’

etx etx

I don’t see the appeal in agonising that I utilised each day to the absolute maximum in terms of spending time with my children. It’s not realistic, I don’t think it has any particular impact on them - and quite frankly it just creates more pressure and anxiety.

Dads aren’t worrying about this crap.

Honestly, just ignore it.
I went back full time and got so many comments about how ‘awful’ it was. I either at the same place as my DH at the time and my response was to ask if they’d said the same to him.

Remember, providing for your child financially is a really important part of being a parent and is not just something men do.

Ignore and feel confident in the choices you make. I am a working mum and got it from all sides when they were little. It's not all about money. It's good to have your stuff and not just to be a "mum". Financial independence is great, and so it contributing to society. Your kids will grow up seeing you work which can only be a good thing.

One of mine did ask me not to work when they were younger (but also in school) and I asked them what I would do if I didn't work. She said "go to lunch and drink coffee like the other mums". Not for me.

You initiated the conversation by making the comment that you would love to take more time off. If someone just makes his unsolicited comment to you then it’s totally unreasonable, but if someone expresses a wish to take more time out to spend it with their baby I think it’s fine for a friend to make this sort of comment. Many people do have ways they could cut back and spend more time with their children, they might not want to make those cuts but they could if it was a priority.

To look at it a slightly different way - if you're a teacher then you have 12 weeks holiday when you'll be with them - that's about a quarter of the weeks in the year. If you take those weeks holidays plus weekends then you'll be with them about half the days in the year. If you think of it in terms of hours it'll be even higher percentage because you'll see them after school on working days.

I think there are two sides to this one.

Yes, you’ve got a mortgage and bills to pay - but to an extent they are lifestyle choices.

UC will support people will children under three with zero work requirements, so if you choose to live entirely on benefits then spending that time not working is an option. It’s not the right option for a lot of family’s, but it’s an option.

Financial security and comfortable living tends to come with needing to commit to a certain level of earning, and with that comes needing to use childcare.

It’s not helpful when people present it as a choice in isolation. It’s also not realistic when people present it as not being a choice at all. It is a choice. You’re choosing the house you’ve got, the disposable income you’ve got, the long term financial security you've got, the pension you’re accruing etc over living much, much more frugally and without a longer term view but spending more time with your child.

That’s not a wrong choice, and it’s almost certainly the right choice for your family, but it’s still a choice.

Wow, I'm surprised someone would say that unless they knew you didn't need the money.

Having said that, going back to work with a young child is always a choice. Not a palatable one but you could sell up, rent or buy a small place and live cheaply on partners wage or benefits. Plenty of people have no choice but to live like that, most who do have a choice prefer to go back to work but it is a choice.

Bills don't pay themselves! When it comes to others opinions, you can't win when you have kids. You do you. There are pros and cons to every option.

Society would be in trouble pretty quickly with that attitude though wouldn't it @ScaryM0nster?

We unfortunately don't have a strong enough economy to encourage even more people to be net recipients of welfare.

As it is, women in their 30s with children are the largest group exiting teaching every year.

All very well to encourage individuals to stay off for 3 years on UC but then when your kids don't have a teacher...

You can already choose to split Shared Parental Leave. I even know a father who has done this, but it doesn't seem to happen a lot.

That option didn't exist when our children were small, but we both dropped down to four days a week when I went back to work and shared the childcare. Knowing that my husband could care for our children just as well as I could was very liberating, I never had to worry how he would cope if I went out or went away.