Is this normal or is my 3.5 year old an absolute brat and naughty child?

[Uvebvcch]

I don’t know if because I coped well to begin with that I’ve lost sight of what’s normal and maybe I just don’t have the ability to cope now, I don’t know.

my son 3.5 has become such hard work. He literally screams at me and shouts if he doesn’t like something and he will hit me regularly. I try to be firm but as a single parent i often feel completely worn down and just trying to get through the day.

When I get cross, for example I told him we wouldn’t be going out with his cousin next week if he continued hitting me, he then screamed but after a few seconds didn’t seem bothered. He will sometimes say sorry voluntarily or when I’ve prompted it.

he also calls me a ‘silly old goose.’ Obviously I can see the funny side but he’s also trying to upset me in saying it and it makes me sad he repeatedly thinks that’s ok or that he even wants to upset me.

i dedicate all my time outside work to him. He sees his dad fortnightly and sometimes weekly and has a good relationship with him though ex does zero to actually parent. I make sure ds has lots of time with friends with me there too, he sees grandparents, he doesn’t want for anything.

I just can’t understand why he wants to be so unpleasant towards me. Is this just being a toddler or is something else happening?

At 3.5 he needs consequences that will affect him now, not in a weeks time, and you need to follow through with it. So taking him home straight away if he does it when out, or losing screen time if he was going to have some that afternoon, or no going out to whatever it was you’re doing if he does it and doesn’t stop after a warning whilst getting ready. What do you usually do?

@Overthebow when I said about his friend last time he did this about half an hour before we left I just said we wouldn’t go. He then said sorry and I said ok but mum was upset etc. Then we went. Was I wrong to still go out after he’d apologised?

Ofcourse you were wrong. You need to stick to what you say, so that your child learns that what you say you mean.

plus, as PP said you need to give a consequence at the time. So age 3.5, put him in the corner facing the wall for 3 minutes. Return him there if he comes out.. Then ask for an apology when time is up. Hug and then move on. Add a minute for each year. He’ll eventually learn that his actions have consequences and will stop the bad behaviour.

He is just being a normal toddler and pushing boundaries, it's what they do! You need to be very clear and consistent with your consequences, for example if he's hitting you that needs a calm but very firm 'no hitting' and an immediate consequence - no warning or 'if you don't stop...' he knows it's wrong, he doesn't need a warning.

Calling you a silly old goose is quite funny (where did he get that from?!) and I wouldn't give him the reaction he wants if you think he's trying to upset you (I'm not sure a 3 year old has the complex reasoning to do this, they're more 'react in the moment') I'd probably respond with a laugh and say 'you're a silly old goose too'!

My eldest used to tell me when he was 3 and cross 'You're not the boss of me'! and I had to point out to him that sorry but that's exactly what I am and will be until you're 18! Try not to take it personally, 3 year olds are bonkers and irrational, it's our job to tame them 🤣

Yeah I wouldn’t have gone out because otherwise you’re just teaching him all he has to do is say sorry which is just a word to him and he still gets to go do the fun thing.

its hard op but it needs to be nipped in the bud now pronto as it won’t feel long until he’s starting school. My son used to hit but quickly got him out of it, he was maybe a bit more towards 3 than 3.5 but I used to pick him up and put him away from me everytime he hit, if he hit again he’d go right back down away from me all over again. I was a single parent and it makes you feel mean at times not following through with plans or nice things, but you do them an injustice if you don’t. You clearly love your boy so don’t be hard on yourself, there’s no guidebook to parenting, most of us are learning as we go

Of course you were. Once you’ve said something, you should stick to it. Or your words mean nothing.

However you should use natural and logical consequences. Not going out with cousins, either now or next week, is not a logical consequence to his behaviour.

He isn’t the problem here. You need to do some research on how to parent him.

I don’t think that’s normal behaviour from a 3.5 year old at all. He’s not a toddler. The screaming at you and hitting is really bad. You need very clear and immediate consequences, and don’t backtrack.

You should not have gone.

You gave him the idea that the word sorry has the magical.power of getting away with bad behaviour.

You should have accepted his 'apology' and stayed home. If he kicked off after that, then he should have had another immediate consequence. Toys can be confiscated, dessert can be withheld, favourite show can be turned off, anticipated daily playtime in the park can be canceled, etc.

You can also have a token jar where he earns a token a day for every day he goes without a tantrum or rudeness or hitting. A whole week of tokens means he gets to spend extra time at the playground or something else that is simple and easy for you. Do not lavish praise on him for behaving himself. His rewards should be simple and easy for you to organise.

When he appears to be kicking off, remind him of the token jar and ask him if he wants to skip his treat that week.

He needs an immediate consequence for every single episode of hitting you or engages in a tantrum.

My mantra from 3 onwards was "we speak kindly or we stay quiet". Giving a choice helps, sometimes they picked the quietness!

Consequences too, and warn before the misbehaviour starts. When you tell them you're leaving the house "no hitting, no yelling or we come straight home". Then when they misbehave, immediate consequence. A few times of this will train it in.

I found ignoring any bad behaviour as much as possible and praising good/average behaviour really worked with my DC. Fantastic helping, good job putting your toys away, you are playing so nicely, thank you for that beautiful drawing, that’s really good sharing and so on.

Yes if you say you won’t go then you need to follow through with that. A sorry isn’t good enough, he will just learn to say it to get out of the consequences.

Next week is too far away for a consequence
But dont give consequences like going out if it means you then stuck home all day or you putting out other people by cancelling . That is not a good consequence is it?
Do warn him that if he plays up while you out you will go home
Calling you "silly old goose" is something he picked up just ignore. Why does it bother you so much ?
Is not swearing etc

If he hits you walk away and say calmly "we do not hit or scream". "When you are calm we can go out to do xxxx"

You say he wants for nothing, could that be part of the problem? Hes only little but id be wary going forwards as he ages that he isnt allowed to be rude. Perhaps he needs to hear no more often.

Thanks everyone. Just battling bedtime so haven’t read all the replies yet. I’m so unhappy. And so resentful of ex. Asked him repeatedly to do more. He doesn’t and hasn’t for years.

This. Consequences have to be instant. I went through it with my now 10 yo. He was an absolute nightmare. Don't spoil him either. Sometimes it will mean you don't get to do something you were looking forward to but its the only way they learn.

I’m sorry but your toddler needs boundaries, and consequences when they cross them. I appreciate you are on your own but if you can’t control him now, how will you handle him when he’s a six foot teenager? You’re the parent here. If you’re struggling is there a Family Hub nearby that could offer you some advice? Good luck and I hope things improve for you both.

I'd say it's not too far from normal but obviously something you'd rather not be happening for much longer. Regarding punishment, keep it something very, very small that will not hurt you to carry through. If you say "we wont go out for the day" when you are looking forward to going out for the day you will just be punishing yourself or wont stick to it. Something like "you wont get sweets today because you did xyz" and then stick to it.

If he hits you just say "don't hit me" in a stern, loud voice and then get up and walk away. Don't interact with him for a few minutes.

Calling you a silly goose is nothing, sounds like that's what an adult has said to him at some point. I call my granddaughter a silly goose sometimes and it's not meant to upset her at all. He could be calling you much worse.

As someone else said here, praise his good behaviour. Try to have fun with him. Look after yourself - kids can really test your patience.