To worry about ex from years ago around kids now - almost 20 years ago

[ellie09]

Hi all

When I was a teen from 14-15, I had a "relationship" with a 19 year old. Back then, there was a whole big thing because we had been physical, I had a pregnancy scare and it took a lot for my family and police to convince me that I had been "groomed" so to speak - gifts, buying things, which progressed to buying lingerie etc, telling me to keep quiet about the true nature of our relationship or he would get in trouble.

We spent two years building a case that went to CPS - he even admitted it, then an admin error from CPS meant they needed to go back and restart everything again, and at this point, I had dropped it, as I was older, trying to focus on getting into university and had been through enough trauma the first time around.

Fast forward to today. He is married, he has three kids, and I recently found out he is coaching an all girls football team (a disability football team for kids with learning disabilities) and its left me feeling incredibly uneasy. However, I know feasibly there's nothing I can do about it, other than making a complaint again to the police almost two decades on.

AIBU to have these feelings? If I had a daughter, I would not want someone with a past like that to be coaching my child.

Wouldn’t he have had to be police vetted for such employment, and would not the police system still show traces/flags re the original CPS file?

I have a nightmare abusive ex from many years ago. I didn't report when he r*d me while I was asleep, because he was drunk and didn't remember the day after, and it would have been my word against his. These days it would have been recognised as coercive control. Back then I'd never heard of women's aid, just thought that was what a relationship was like.
He's now a foster carer, married, in a caring profession. I had similar thoughts to you when I heard, but short of reporting now, so many years later, it's out of my hands. I went back to my psychiatrist who treated me for PTSD caused by said nightmare ex and they helped me work through it.
It's been really hard but I've had to accept that there's nothing I can do and I needed to make my peace with things or I'd have made myself ill again.

He was 19 at the time, not 40

I have no idea. Maybe for an enhanced one?

Still an adult though, right?

You were both teenagers. I had boyfriends that age when I was 14/15. It was nothing unusual 20 or more years ago and very unlikely that the men are still dating underage teens now.

How did he managed to get a DBS? Personally I couldn't sit on it. Yes it was a long time ago and he might not have done anything since. However what if he has and for the sake of his own children and those he is coaching it would leave me on edge.

So what? I can assure you that as a 19 year old I knew better than to pursue 14-15 year olds sexually.

So on the face of it, I don’t think that a 19 year old in a relationship with a 15 year old necessarily means that 19 year old is a child predator. Some of them are just immature and stupid. When I was 15, I had a 20 year old boyfriend. I can assure you he didn’t go on to be a paedophile and while he’s a total asshole, I wouldn’t be worried about him around children. Fwiw, we were together for 3 years and there was definitely no sex happening. My decision and he respected that.

But that doesn’t mean someone can’t both have poor judgment about who they’re dating AND be a child predator, just like men who are 65 and typically date other 60 somethings can also be.

I think this is a tricky one because he could have made some bad decisions and now is a fully upstanding citizen who is giving back to his community in a really beneficial way. He could also be a predator who is using coaching with vulnerable girls to prey on them. I don’t think that’s a call you are in a position to make.

I would consider calling or emailing NSPCC or Stop It Now and ask for advice about if the previous charges would show up on his DBS. Working with vulnerable children I’d think he would absolutely need an enhanced DBS. I would take guidance from them about what to do next. They may even be able to help you report anonymously directly to the organisation which may be the most useful way for you to take this forward rather than going via the police.