To feel guilt about older parent

[Allthedays1]

Apart from husband and kids my mum is the only person left. I feel bad she lives alone. She's 78 and lives in a village but she does get a bus to the local town. I ring her most days on the school run but I don't see her much as I work nights and my kids are primary school . I also don't drive so going to see her takes ages as it's an hour walk, a train then a bus.
I always feel like I don't do enough. She has a very big personality and has generally talks about her self. Doesn't ask any questions about me and the kids ( she's always been like this ) but shes still my mum. She's been out this week on a bus trip day out and being shopping twice. I have been at work all week. She's now in a mood with me because she's at home alone. I've got to do the food shop and I have got a friend coming round for dinner and as soon as I told my mum that she became off with me. I said I would ring her tomorrow and she's all " don't worry about it no one cares about me.

Am I shit. I've got a friend who says Im crap and she used to go see her mum every week when she was alive. I struggle to see my mum in the week as I can't get back to get my daughter from primary school easily.

I am a people pleaser generally. Advice please. My mum has told me before she used to go see her mum with a baby and a toddler ( I did point out than when I didn't have school kids I used to go all the time but having to be at a school at a certain time puts a spanner in the works, plus my mum also didn't work then so it was a bit easier )

How often do you actually see her?
If she can get the bus to the town could you both meet up there?
I don’t agree with her emotionally blackmailing you but if she died tomorrow would you regret the amount of time you spent with her?

Suggest she moves closer to you?

It sounds like the distance is a big part of the issue, especially if you both don’t drive.

It’s a tricky one and can be hard for elderly parents to understand if they didn’t work and/ or lost their parents younger so didn’t have the balance of responsibility of elderly parents and kids that lots of women seem to have now.

I did meet up with her week before last in her town. She won't get another bus and meet me because she says she's too old to get on another bus. At weekends there's no buses to hers but if I got a taxi it's £10 each way plus the cost of the train I just can't afford it. And if I meet up in the summer holidays and obviously cost loads of money because I've got the kids with me and they need feeding etc and they get bored just wanding round a town. I think even if I spent every minute of every day with her I would feel guilty when she died because I'm not doing enough.

She is council but she said she's too old to move and she wished she had done it years ago. To be honest she lives where she does because my brother lived over the road from her but he died so now she doesn't have anyone in the village related to her

Learn to drive and spend more time with her.
I’d sell my soul to be able to see my mum one more time.

I've tried to ring her and she won't answer the phone to me because she's in a mood. I should be used to this as in my 20 she used to send really abusive messages and I used to feed into it by sending messages saying I'm sorry I do love you then I only learnt as an older adult that if I ignore her she will get over it... Argh

I do massively regret learning to drive however lessons are so expensive now I cannot afford it. I have no money barely left at the end of the month as it is

When your mum used to visit her mum with a baby and a toddler, I assume that either the baby or toddler was you and the other was your sibling. Where is this sibling now?

Could she move nearer to you so that it would be much easier for you to visit?

She certainly shouldn't be trying to make you feel guilty. You phone her most days so she isn't being neglected or forgotten.

ETA that I can now see that you had a brother who died. I'm sorry for your loss. Your mum doesn't seem particularly kind or enjoyable company and she obviously enjoys making you feel guilty.

It's less about what anyone else thinks and more about what you'll think and feel when she's not here any longer. If you think you're doing the best you can, then that's the best you can do. What more can be said?

Why did you not include this in your OP? Surely if you want balanced responses you include this from the start.

No it was my older siblings, ones dead and one moved abroad. When I was born her mum had died

Yeah sorry my post was already really long and I know people moan and say there's too much information and it's too confusing to follow when they see long posts

I think you’re making excuses to be honest. You know how much effort you’re making and if it feels enough to you, then our opinions don’t matter. Do or don’t make more effort then make your peace with that.

Do you enjoy spending time with her ? She doesn’t sound very nice. Your friend doesn’t understand that not everyone has a close loving relationship with their parents.
I would see my parents every few weeks (20 min drive) and talk around once a week but I also had friends who spoke / saw their parents most days. When my mum got ill I would visit weekly and take her to any appointments. Now my dads on his own I visit weekly and ring once a week.

i would decide whats manageable for you (eg once a month ) and stick to it if she moans just say your busy and she’s welcome to visit you. Don’t indulge and if she sulks don’t engage. Obviously you can change it and see her more if your (or her) situation changes.

My mum died recently. I visited three times a week and nursed her in her home the week of her death, and I still think I should have been there more for her.

How would you feel if she died tomorrow? Would you think you'd done all you could, or would you regret not making more effort?

Could your mum contribute to your travel costs or driving lessons?
If you want to see her you'll find a way, if you're only doing it through guilt and don't really want to then you'll find excuses not to.

You could point out to your mum that you have other people in your life besides her, some of whom are more important to you than she is.

In the gentlest possible way just look at some of the things you have posted:

She's 78 and regularly get a bus. But won't get a second bus to come to you "because she's old"

But shes fit enough to go shopping twice a week and a day trip on a bus in the major heatwave.

She never asks about you or her grandchildren

She lived in the village to be near your brother.

She doesn't want to move

Now imagine that it's not your mum we're talking about but mine...would you suggest i spend a lot of money running around after her.

How would you convince me to do more for my mum when she has no interest in my life. Makes no effort to see me and I have to ring her she doesn't call me or answer when she doesn't get her own way.?

Fulll disclosure my mum died when I was 17, 40 years ago this month and I'd give anything to see her again, but even i would think twice if she behaved like that.