I’m an autistic mum trying to do better

[Ausricmum]

I’m a high functioning autistic mum who often has meltdowns and burnouts in private. No one has seen me have a meltdown except my kids. I’ve been trying to become more social for my primary aged children and to feel more normal. A school mum told me her friend moved into my neighbourhood and told me to knock on her door as our kids all in same school (mine are younger). I saw her in her driveway today so went to introduce myself! If you knew me this was a very big thing for me. I made small talk and was proud of myself and as I was leaving she said she will knock on my door later and have a coffee with me! Issue is my house is a mess, I have no energy to clean plus I have no food in the house apart from what my kids eat. I have no coffee as it makes me anxious so I don’t drink coffee or tea, no soft drinks as I’m trying to get the kids healthy. I have no desire to run to the shops and do shopping.

I am angry with myself for trying to be normal as I can’t relax now in my own home and I don’t want to wreck the kids weekend by having a meltdown. Why the hell did I go and introduce myself?!! I’m such an idiot. I understand why I isolate myself now.

im just dreading doorbell going off. I can’t relax. Please help me think more normally about this. Plus dishwasher doesn’t work so I’ve had to was cups and dishes by hand over past few weeks.

Solidarity.

Is this normal to feel like this? How do others cope? I actually made effort to get out of bed and have a shower and put makeup on and wear clean clothes. I often forget to have high hygiene standards and feel like rubbish but today I felt good

You did great, in future you can predict what somebody might say (such as offer to come over for coffee!) and either be prepared or head then off before they can with another suggestion. Is there a coffee shop/play area nearby you can deflect her to? Just say you don't have hot drinks in (plenty of people don't, it's not weird) but it'd be fun for you all to get to know each other at X place

Breathe, it’s unlikely she’ll come today. Not for your neighbours benefit but having a tidier environment might be really beneficial for your peace of mind. I don’t mean full clear out I just mean a space you can enjoy. You wouldn’t need to feed her so that’s ok. Can you do an online order for your own food? Maybe throw in a small jar of instant coffee so you have it in the cupboard?
be proud of yourself for stepping out your comfort zone.

Kids have already picked up on my energy and are fighting amongst each other. I don’t want anyone in my home if I’m being honest.

I’m not autistic but I would be in a bit of a tiz if someone I’d literally just met said they were coming to my house that day. Usually people would wait for an invite but maybe she’s used to a neighbourhood where popping in is normal.

If it were me, I would be tidying and cleaning now, even if it meant just lashing everything upstairs, and would just offer whatever drinks I do have, if she appears. I appreciate this may not be possible for you, so I would plan what you’ll do if she does knock.

Maybe answer and say you’re in the middle of summer hols mess in the house so don’t feel great about having people round but would love to have her over once kids are back in school or you’d go for a coffee locally or whatever feels comfortable to you. You might be able to relax more if you have a bit of a plan of what to say if she does knock but you definitely don’t have to have someone in your house just because they’ve suggested it.

It’s totally normal if you’re autistic to feel like this. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

Do you have a ring doorbell? If not, get one so you can screen who is at the door. You can choose to ignore it if the house is a mess or just don’t feel in the right frame of mind.
It takes huge amounts of energy to socialise for the benefit of your children but you need to work a plan of how to do this without burning yourself out or a meltdown coming on.

Agreeing to meet at the local park works for me or finding other friends on the spectrum with kids as they get it. I only have one friend who has been to my house when it’s a tip. It was embarrassing but she still likes me just as much in fact people sometimes feel relieved that their house is cleaner and they don’t feel so guilty about the state of their place!

Please be kind to yourself.

You did a great thing outside your comfort zone. You should be proud of yourself!

Stop putting pressure on yourself.

You don't have to let anyone into your house. Even she knows just laugh it off "house it a bit messy guven how busy the Summer has been, do you fancy heading for a walk, to the local café, or we could just sit in the garden and enjoy the fine weather".

I have an autistic friend for years and I've never been in her house - not once - garden yes, inside no & I wouldn't ask even ask to use her bathroom as it would upset her.
She just tells me that having people in her home stresses her out. Totally acceptable. I just meet her when/where she wants. I don't even find it strange. People are allowed to have preferences.