AIBU to think my partner's adult daughter dislikes me?

[HungryAllTheTimeeeee]

I've been in a long(ish) distance relationship with my girlfriend (same sex couple, to avoid confusion) for just over a year. Her children are adults, mine is 10.

I have met her children a few times now and whilst I get on with 3 of them, the eldest (dd4) i am finding difficult. I dont know if I'm being sensitive but I find her quite rude amd abrupt.

DP obviously loves her and has commented that her ex husbands new wife doesn't seem to get on with dd4 and cant understand why. (the new wife doesn't get on with any of them and does come across as being difficult. But I'm starting to wonder if I'm only hearing their, altered version).

I was walking with one of DPs grandchildren, 3yrs, into DD4 house asking him "oooh what's Bob (DG3) doing? the daughter abrupty and almost mockingly said "playing". But my question was kind if rhetoric.

She kept going on at me to play on the trampoline, knowing I didnt want to because I have a netball injury.

Ignores me when no one else is around.

It doesn't sound like much but last time I was there, I felt Incredibly uncomfortable. I want her to like me but I feel like she doesn't.

Im due to go there on Sunday and im dreading it. She doesn't say hello to me, shes not warm. Everything I say, she kind of looks at me like ive spoken a different language. I suspect dp picked up on it last time because she mentioned that her dd4 has quite a dry sense of humour, and kept asking if I was ok.

How do i stop caring so much? I feel like my nerves around her daughters are holding me back, I cant be myself and maybe its me giving something off? Ive never dated someone with adult children before and im finding it difficult to relax and be myself. Even dp comments how quiet I am compared to when its just us.

AIBU to think she hates me, despite only meeting me 3 or 4 times.

Has anyone else experienced this? They are very close and I suspect if I mention it to dp, she will discuss it with them which is not what I want.

Could it be that she doesn't approve of her Mum's sex life OP? Not everyone can cope with their parent changing sexual orientation.

Hi,

From what you say -

She might be generally 'like this' and not just with you.

It is not on you to 'try' with people - just be yourself. Don't force things that aren't there - it comes over as desperate and people will lose respect for you.

Be aware that you feel different and act from that position - do not say things, mirror her energy, seek out people you do feel safe with, take care of your self.

Accept that she might just be like this.

My dad had tons of girlfriends. In the end it was pointless getting to know them so we didn't really bother. Your relationship is with their mother, not them. Let whatever grows, grow naturally.

You are not wrong and you are not unlikeable xxx

Yes, I agree. When I met my ex's adult daughter, the evening before my ex told me how difficult she could be. I realise now that he was warning me. Some people just enjoy disliking other people.

It does sound like she’s just a slightly abrupt person.

Try not to give it headspace and match her energy or otherwise just grey rock her and rise above.

It sounds like she is trickier to get along with. Is she more friendly to other people?
I would stop trying to befriend her and pull back a bit. Some of her comments are almost certainly snippy and a bit pass agg.

I think I'd say to your gf that you aren't getting much sense of friendliness from the eldest, and you were wondering if there's any issue you should be aware of, or is there anything she can suggest to help, or would it be better to back off completely?

Stop going there and leave them to it. I wouldn’t go if she was speaking to me like that and ignoring me too. I have this from sister in law and went no contact in the end because I’m not doing it anymore. I put up with it for 8 years but haven’t spoken to her for 11 years now. My husband is welcome to see her and her family and post them cards/gifts. I value myself more now and wouldn’t allow myself to be treated that way. I personally would say that you don’t enjoy her company as she’s been quite rude and ignores you often. So you won’t be visiting any more, but of course you support her visiting her.

I wouldn't take it personally - it sounds like a her problem rather than a you problem if you get on well with her siblings. It might be that she has a problem with her mum being in a same sex relationship? Maybe she's just a sarcastic, bad-tempered person! I would just be yourself, don't try too hard, be polite and friendly and give it time. If she's openly rude to you, I think it's ok to say 'did you mean to be so rude?' You don't have to be a doormat and let anyone be rude to you, and your partner should speak up too if her daughter is rude to you.

To help you feel less upset by her attitude, could you consider the possibility that it isn't determined by you as an individual, but rather by the role that you now occupy: the current partner of someone who has cast off the relationship with her other parent.

I was an adult when my dad introduced a new partner to us. He'd been divorced from my mum for ages and, god knows, I was relieved as hell when his awful relationship with my mum ended!

But, still, I resented this new woman. I didn't really want anything to do with her. I think it was anger with my dad that influenced my attitude.

In herself, she was ok. Not a 'kindred spirit'. But perfectly ok. I was completely able to separate my sulky attitude towards her from my actual judgement of what she was actually like. Similarly, your girlfriend's grumpy DD4 might view you as a perfectly nice person.

Being the lame people pleaser that I am, I was always perfectly pleasant and welcoming to DF's girlfriend. Evidently the DD4 in your family is less good at putting on a front!

Try not to take it personally. I know that is easy to say and hard to do.
What she thinks about you though doesn't really matter. That is her problem. What matters is how you feel. If you feel uncomfortable around her then avoid interacting with her and ignore her coments.

In the end, there is nothing you can say or do to change her behavior. Take a step back and just observe.

Some people just aren't nice they're rude and unlikeable !

Why does she have to like you? Shes an adult she can do what she wants

Given the ages of your respective children, are you much younger than your DP, by any chance, and possibly closer in age to your DP's children than her?

Is she inviting you or is your girlfriend?

Could it be that she wants quality time with her mum, but her mum insists you are a package deal so she is resentful. If she isn't getting quality time with her mum, maybe consider going occasionally instead of every invite.

I would think very hard about this relationship. Not because you've done anything wrong, but because it's sounds like it's going to cause a lot of long term misery for you. Life is so very short and putting up with situations like this is such a waste of your life. If your partner fully understood and had your back then it would different because you would be able to handle it together. But it doesn't seem like this is the case.

Have a long hard think about whether you want to still be feeling this way a decade from now.

This!
My dad has had numerous partners over the years, some we have got on with better than others. He constantly tells us how wonderful they are, how they are his soulmate etc. He forces them on us, puts them on the phone if we call etc. It’s so tedious because we know that they are unlikely to be around for long and so it’s pointless getting to know them. The latest one is an absolute cunt and the sooner she’s gone the better but that’s another story!
The daughter might just want one to one time with her mother.