I’m crumbling and need help putting myself back together

[Humptydumpty20]

Tbf, I’m probably unreasonable to ask you vipers to help me feel better but you’re my only option right now.

I saw a job advertised with someone I’ve had contact with through work. I emailed my contact about it, made it clear I was enthusiastic about the role and asked a few questions to clarify the scope. This was three days ago and said contact hasn’t even acknowledged my email. She’s a competitor and we work for some of the same customers so it feels mortifying to think that she has experience of working with me but clearly isn’t enthusiastic about the prospect of me jumping ship. My brain is telling me that if she was enthusiastic she would have at least acknowledged the email. I’m right aren’t I?

Everything feels so hard at the moment. I’m too senior but not progressing in my current role. I’m not one of the few people who have been marked by the leadership team for great things but I also haven’t been given the opportunity to progress. I feel a bit like a sitting duck and I know I’d be vulnerable in a downturn. This whole situation is slowly chipping away at my self-esteem.

I really need to move but there aren’t many jobs at my level of seniority and I’m worried that failing to progress after so long at my current level is starting to look suspicious from the outside. I’ve tried to make other moves in the last year and they haven’t worked out either.

I’m usually so resilient and can pick myself up and try again but the thought of another rejection feels like too much. I’m seriously starting to wonder whether I’m just unlikeable and shit and everyone else can see something about me that I can’t. I don’t know what I’m asking you but please be kind to me.

I’d give it a little longer as it’s summer and lots of people are off on AL (or like me covering those on AL)

You could have gone into spam/junk mail.

Why aren't you progressing and do you actually want to progress? It is ok to do your role well and not continue up the ladder.

If you do want to progress, is there training that could help? Is there a colleague you respect and trust who would tell why you are not progressing and others are.

Don't spiral downwards. Decide what you want to do and do it.

There’s a hundred reasons that don’t reflect badly on you as to why she hasn’t replied.

Can you ring her or just apply for the job anyway? Have faith in yourself OP.

Tbf, I’m probably unreasonable to ask you vipers to help me feel better but you’re my only option right now.

This made me laugh!

You are torturing yourself with what people might think and have no basis for this apart from your own fears and insecurities. Even if it were true, it doesn't change much for you. So, maybe try to let that part of your turmoil go, if possible.

Also, without sounding defeatist or asking you to just settle, all people hit glass ceilings in their career. It doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you have to look higher, further and sometimes vertically.

Sometimes it means finding satisfaction in things other than our job.

I know that doesn't pay the bills. Not suggesting it does but just commenting on what you've put here so far.

Three days doesn't seem particularly long, perhaps she's had some days holiday booked or has been busy covering someone else's AL. Unless she's the first point of contact for the role, it may be she's finding out information to answer your questions, or has passed your queries on to that person.

You’re not wrong to expect a response to your email but equally there could be many reasons why she hasn’t replied. It could be a busy time of year for her (professionally or personally), she could be covering someone’s holiday and be snowed under, they could be using a recruitment agency and doesn’t want to jump the gun or she could be waiting to reply to all applications in one go.
Three days seems like a long time especially when you’re waiting, but it can go in a flash when you are busy (especially as it sounds as though you are both in quite senior positions).
Totally understand the frustration, but think it’s too early to write off her lack of response as disinterest and ultimately if it is genuine disinterest, would you want to work with someone like that anyway?
I’m sure you’re very likeable and clearly not shit if your own leadership are complimentary. Keep the faith 😊

Take a deep breath
This is pretty normal experience at a level of seniority.

What you never get taught explicitly is that the more senior you are, the more the job is about looking internally at yourself, managing and disciplining your own reactions and responses, learning about individual and organisationational psychology.

I would seriously recommend investing in 6 months of a very good career coach. Not just a bobbins counsellor from anywhere but one of the really expert leadership psychologists out there. I want to name my one!!! she was amazing. but I will just say ...look for older women with experience of applying personal development and professional development to leadership, and with a proper psychology background.

If you wanted to be an expert tennis player you would get a really good coach. This is worth doing.

The way to unlock getting a great new job, that actually aligns with what you want and are good at, will be to do this internal work first. It feels so fragile to be looking to external things like whether one reach-out has worked or not - it makes you feel vulnerable and puts you in a place of questioning your worth.

I really feel for you as I have been there too, I get what you're feeling. The bugger of it is, at a certain level, you can't just suck up your insecurities and hide them inside and plough on to bigger and better roles. The bigger roles reveal your inner strength more, that is their nature, so you have to do that work first. Or at least concurrently.

You’re all being nice to me, that in itself might make me cry anyway. I don’t know when I became such a wet blanket.

I know three days isn’t objectively that long especially in August. I think what I’m struggling with is that I know this person professionally and she knows my work, so my brain has decided that if she thought “oh great, I’d love to talk to Humpty about this” she would have fired back a quick acknowledgement, even if she didn’t have answers to my questions yet. I also know that I have no actual idea whether or not this is the case.

On the progression point, yes, I do want to progress. Unfortunately I’m in the sort of environment where staying at my current level indefinitely isn’t really a safe option. I’ve become too expensive for what I am and I’m in a “up or out” sector. This is partly why I’m struggling with the possibility of another rejection.

The career coach suggestion is a good one. I had one a few years ago and the coach correctly identified that while I am good at my job, I have self doubt because I don’t have positive feedback from my bosses or anyone actively supporting my progression. We tried to come up with a plan to help me but it didn’t really go anywhere.

I won’t do anything about the email today. I’ll give my contact more time and maybe submit an application anyway next week if I haven’t heard back by then.

Thank you all. I knew there was a reason I came here ❤️

Thank you, a lot of what you said connected with me.

I have no emotional discipline, I don’t know how to get this.

On an objective level, I know I’m not shit at my job because I can see what I manage to do on a daily basis, but my heart won’t believe it until it hears it externally. What would be really helpful is if one of my bosses would actually tell me I’m good at my job but I know they won’t.

Can you please send me the name of your coach in a PM?

just posting to say that I see you and relate to your career situation. I work for an employer with a very flat structure and your comment
about ‘marked by the leadership team for great things’ struck a chord with me! Where I work there isn’t a great deal of room for progression and a tiny number people are ‘marked’. I’ve kind of had to make my peace with it as my package whilst not in the Mumsnet stratosphere is still more than I dreamt of growing up.

re: the contact - could it be that they are not allowed to informally contact
you as the recruitment needs to be monitored,
open and transparent?

anyway -‘maybe a moment to reflect on your skills and achievements in a more positive way to try to stop the downward spiral.

… I understand it’s shitty not to have your good work recognised however again, what I have found is that when reward schemes are constrained by the need to achieve a normal distribution around rises and bonuses plus there is a’chosen’ group who need to be kept top, leaders withhold or limit praise as they have an eye on raises/bonuses/promotions and they need to manage expectations/provide justification. So positive feedback can be thin on the ground. The hard work at work is often not the actual work!

I saw a job advertised with someone I’ve had contact with through work. I emailed my contact about it

But his wasn't a proper application through the proper channels. It was an attempt at that elusive and slippery thing called 'networking', which personally I have never got the hang of. Some people can do it well, some can't, some like networking, and some shudder at the thought of it.

Your contact might not like this informal or personal approach, or maybe she is constrained by her organisation and is obliged to follow HR 'rules'.

Put it out of your mind - job hunting is a marathon not a sprint, and you can't take it personally. It is a job in itself in terms of time, and needs a detached, organised, and relentless approach.