To worry about how I can support my vulnerable friend when I am her only support

[TheBolans]

My friends mum is currently in hospital with cancer, she unfortunately only has hours left to live at this point. As you can imagine, my friend is very distressed and I really feel for her and am trying to help and be here for her.

The problem is, she does not have any other family and very few friends. I am her only close friend. She does not have a job and really struggles with her mental health. She lived with her mum so when her mum dies, she is not going to have anywhere to live, it is rented accommodation. She has an older sister that she doesn’t get on with and will most likely never see again after this, they have no relationship at all and her sister wants nothing to do with her. She was very upset saying she is going to be homeless and lose her cat that she has had for 11 years and means everything to her.

I am preparing myself for when her mum does die as I am now going to be the only person in her life that is there for her and I know this might sound odd or selfish, but I am scared of this responsibility and pressure. She lives in London and I live in Manchester, my partner told me we can offer her a place to stay with us while she gets herself on her feet so that she isn’t homeless.

The worry that I have is that she is so fragile and emotionally unstable that I don’t think she is going to be able to do anything for herself. She hasn’t been able to work due to mental health issues, so I worry that we would invite her in and there would be no end in sight because she isn’t capable of getting herself together. I feel like I would have to do everything for her such as sort out support for her and research what she has to do next etc. If she hasn’t been able to hold down a job and live on her own before, is she going to be able to do that now or is she going to be with me for the foreseeable future? These are the questions I am thinking and I feel awful for it, please don’t judge me. I will offer this to her still because I of course won’t see her on the streets when I do have a means to help her. But is there anything else I can do? She really is vulnerable and I’m picturing what having a mentally unwell, grieving person living with me is going to look like when I also have my own things going on that I have to deal with.

I feel very mean writing this because it isn’t that I don’t want to help her, I DO! I absolutely want to help her, but I don’t know how and I don’t know where to begin. If it comes to it, she can come to us, and I will try my best to do what I can for her, but it’s going to be hard. Her mental health issues are long standing. But I would really appreciate any advice on if there’s another way about this? I can look things up online but I don’t know where to start and thought it would be helpful for me to talk to real people first for some advice. Thank you

OP if your friend desperately needed open heart surgery would you be qualified to do it? You wouldn't and this is no different. You aren't going to fix her with the best will the world. You need to support her but just as a friend and have boundaries.

Well she stays at home til she gets evicted and the council will house her. She’s a very vulnerable adult so should contact them once her mum dies. It will take many months for the landlord to evict her.

Okay so it’s not as if she will be kicked out straight away? The older sister is next of kin and has told her she needs to leave

Is it social housing? Maybe she can remain there. To me it seems that she needs the most help with understanding what her rights are and what benefits etc she is entitled to. Is she claiming anything now if she can’t work? I wouldn’t offer her a place to stay just now at all, save it as an absolute last resort if you need to. She might be able to stay in the property.

how old is she? You sound like a wonderful friend. You need to tell her to stay put where she is as she will get evicted and the council will help.

Help her out where you can whilst protecting your own mental energy too.

Yes she gets benefits. She isn’t on the tenancy but she’s lived there for 15 years and paid towards the rent

She is 30. Thank you, I already feel reassured. I told her to let me know if there’s anything she needs and she replied something like “I feel like I can’t ask of you the things I need” so I have a feeling she may want to ask about the place to stay and I don’t know what to say in response without it triggering her or feeling like I don’t want to help

I would offer to look after the cat (if she can't take it with her when the council rehouse her) but absolutely no way would I open the door to her moving in, even temporarily. She would never leave, and the council would presumably consider you to have assumed responsibility for her.

Yes I was thinking that too, I have 2 cats of my own so I guess it’s whether her cat would be extremely distressed as she doesn’t like other cats but I would try and take it in if that’s what she wanted. Would be really sad for her to lose the cat as it’s her whole world

Letting her stay with you would actually be the worst thing you can do for her because then she won't be seen as in need of housing. If it's social housing they may let her keep the property, but I imagine it's at least a 2 bed so probably not if she's on her own. She should be able to get a smaller property though, she may have to go into temporary accommodation first but there will be no need for her to end up on the streets. She needs to call her local council's housing team ASAP.

You sound like a lovely friend OP

You sound like a lovely friend.

You can be there for emotional support but in this case I wouldn't be offering her a place in your home. Given her circumstances, mental state and the fact that you live in a completely different part of the country I think you would be feeding her vulnerability because she would absolutely rely on you and also you'd be compromising your own relationship and mental health by moving her in.

I think you can help practically by being proactive right now in finding and passing on all the information you can about the services she can access in her home town.
Be prepared to maybe interact with these agencies with her or on her behalf, but keep your boundaries in place.

Letting her stay with you would actually be the worst thing you can do for her because then she won't be seen as in need of housing. If it's social housing they may let her keep the property, but I imagine it's at least a 2 bed so probably not if she's on her own. She should be able to get a smaller property though, she may have to go into temporary accommodation first but there will be no need for her to end up on the streets. She needs to call her local council's housing team ASAP.

You sound like a lovely friend OP

I agree with others, it's better that she stays in the property instead of coming to stay with you, because if there's any indication that she has somewhere to stay, she might not be rehoused. It would be better for you to go and visit her instead perhaps, as you could help her get advice on next steps- talk to CAB and Shelter with her, for example.

You sound lovely OP but your friend is 30 and needs to stand on her own feet. Offer her some support but don't take her in to your home because you'll have a bloody hard job to get her back out again.

Do not let her move in with you.
Can you travel down and spend a day doing admin and forms with her? That's more than enough support. She needs to speak to housing, CAB etc. If there's a local Mind group maybe they could help. Or Google social prescriber her area, they can help with all of this.
You can support her with the admin of contacting people who can help. Don't get tooooo involved.

She needs to go to her local housing office and explain the situation, they can advise her. It may be that she can be supported to take over the tenancy or find one of her own. I really wouldn't recommend moving her in with you, she won't be eligible for support from the council with housing in your area, they would send her back to London. Private let is unlikely when she doesn't work so she would be stuck with you.
I'd also encourage her to contact adult social care, she may be eligible for support from them.

All of these comments are extremely helpful thanks so much

For starters, I'd reframe this for yourself. You care about your friend and want to help her, but helping her can feel like a bottomless pit. I think setting clear limits is a way of actually safeguarding your friendship and the help you offer in the long term: it will mean she knows what she can grasp hold of, and you know when you can reclaim your own life, other relationships and responsibilities that are important to you.

It might be helpful to find some other sources of support for her as well.

You don’t sound odd or selfish at all OP, you sound extremely kind. It’s overwhelming to feel that you’re someone’s only life raft.

It sounds like she’s catastrophising about her housing situation after her mother dies ( very understandably). I think you can support her in this without taking her in. She should seek advice and not move out or give up the tenancy without getting advice from CAB or similar. She doesn’t want to run the risk of making herself ‘intentionally homeless’

If it’s a council or housing association tenancy, she may have the right to take it over - this tool might help:

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/council_housing_association/stay_in_home_when_council_tenant_dies

It’s good news that she’s been there for 15 years.

Find out who the property is rented from because it’s important.

Other people have said similar, but housing wise, it's so important that she stays where she is. If she stays where she is, and does get evicted the council have a duty to house her.

If she leaves, she may be recorded as someone who has made herself intentionally homeless. She also would have no eligibility in Manchester, so would be applying in London from your place in Manchester. She would also be lower priority as someone who has a place to stay. You would end up having to kick her out, and transport her back to London for her to be able to access emergency accommodation. For her own good, don't let her stay with you!