Jealous of husband’s time with the children

[roomforme]

I work evenings because of child care and I basically get the children up and ready for school and nursery and take them and then I go to work for 12. Dh is up at 5:30 to be in work for 6am so he finishes at 3 and collects the children, spends time with them, eats dinner with them and puts them to bed so when I finish at 10pm I get home about 10:30 and go to bed, Dh is tired and in bed.

I miss everything, dinner, cinemas trips and evening beach walk, fireworks and bbq’s, Dh has friends over in the evening and play dates and I miss it all.
Have I really got a bum deal or is this just life with children? I don’t feel I see them during the week except to take them to school.
They are 3, 6, and 8 It’s the school holidays at the moment and they are home with me in the mornings and it’s just made me realise what I’ve been missing as he gets those hours with them every single day.

I don’t know if you need to put yourself against your DH here and decide it’s a bum deal (unless he really pushed you into this arrangement against your will). But it’s in no way a childcare plan that would be acceptable to me personally. Sounds like you need some discussions and how between you you can make something else work that allows you more time with your kids.

I would be looking to change this arrangement. Could you reduce your hours at work? Or swap/change shifts? Or find a new job with hours better suited to having young children?

I couldn’t do this personally, would be too sad to miss out on the time with my kids. They’re only young once. If there’s anything you can do to change it then I would do that

I couldn’t do this. Definitely Go part time or change your hours, or change job !

It sounds tough for both of you. Would hate to be your DH getting up sooo early then doing solo childcare for hours on end as soon as I get home. But also for you, you're absolutely missing out.

Can you make more of the mornings and weekends? Maybe have a pancakes for breakfast once a week or something as a special mum treat. Can you walk to school with friends to get a little insight into friend time that way? Trying to think of other tiny rituals you could add to feel like your getting more special quality times. But it does sound like a hard setup.

We thought this arrangement was going to be good financially because we only have minimal child care costs and it does but it’s hard work, we are both chefs and he does breakfast and lunch and I do the late shift.

I do empathise OP, I do. I have young DC and I’m sort of your husband in this situation. My husband is a shift worker and works a lot of nights, so for the most part I am doing the pre school prep and run as he’s still asleep from getting home late. It’s me again collecting from after school care (normally grandparents) once I’ve finished work, and then head home for tea, homework, bath & bed. I work full time in a field based role and have absolutely no WFH or any down time whatsoever Mon - Fri. Whilst I adore my DC and do know I’m lucky to spend a lot of time with them, it’s fucking knackering and not always enjoyable constantly being the on duty parent. My husband envies my time with the kids, in contrast I envy him being able to avoid the evening slog and hours long bedtime routines. It’s tough going single handed. I am simply trying to give you an objective view that the grass isn’t always greener. I hope you manage to find some sort of solution.

Funny that your sympathy immediately goes to the DH when there is nothing in OP's post to suggest he is unhappy with the arrangement. It's OP who is missing out in virtually every aspect.

Definitely sounds like discussion is required re changing employment/ hours because it's so sad that you are missing out on your Dc'S childhood OP.

Surely it isn't all fun and games every evening though and maybe you are only noticing the fun stuff happening because it's the school holidays and presumably the kids are staying up later and able to do more in the evening.

For us a typical evening after school would be pick up from school, tea and then unless a club is on then nothing til shower and bedtime where the kids need to do reading.

It’s funny that your sympathy goes to the woman when this is the norm for many men and no one seems to ever feel sorry for them missing out on things with their children

It's very much a system where the pros are not having to pay so much for childcare and the cons the effect on your life as a family. I agree, that I'd be looking at what options there were for you all.

If this was the arrangement they both agreed to why should the husband miss out ?

How long have you had this arrangement OP? It wouldn’t be for me. I’m not sure if you both work in the same place, but could you swap your shift patterns or look for a new role, even if it means some childcare? These years are short, if it’s not working for you, you will always regret not doing something about it.

It doesn't sound great for either parent, of course the OP wants more time with her children but I expect her DH sometimes has gritted teeth getting through to bedtime.

OP, I would be looking at your options. Maybe you can change your shift pattern to have a couple of evenings off and do the early shift? You need to balance saving on childcare with having time together.

Just because this is the arrangement for many men doesn't mean that OP has to accept it in her own relationship.
In any relationship if one partner is unhappy with the arrangement then it should be open for discussion about changing it.

But if the arrangement is not working for OP then it needs to be discussed and changes made.
It shouldn't be a competition between husband and wife. It should be compromises so it is an acceptable arrangement for both.

Can you swap shifts around every so often ? Do both work at the same place ?

If it’s not working for you, then you need to see how to change things, it’s not fair that your DH gets to decide the hours he works and you then work the less social hours.

Only you can figure this one out. I worked long hours when the kids were small, I was studying on top of working trying to build a better life for my kids. Now we have that life and it was (mostly) worth it, though I do have some regrets overall it was the right thing.

Is this short term pain for long term gain OR are there changes you can make to.improve things now. Can you afford it, or will.financial issues be an equally big pain point?

Do you work at the same restaurant?

Can you both do all the work retired for each cover?

if so can you arrange to swap some shifts?

Or if you both work at separate premises is there any flexibility to switch some shifts? I get that requires both employers to be able to swap you on the same days.

I can understand why you feel you’re missing out - I would try and find a solution whereby you and DH have equal evenings as it seems he’s actually a hands on dad too.

But you are making it sound like he wrong and she is right

missing out on lots of events is the norm for lots of fathers who are tied to office hours- I think it’s good that this father has more involvement in his children’s lives and upbringing

If the arrangement isn’t working for you then I would look at changing it a little. I used to tag team with my DH when our children were small. One of us would leave as the other was walking in to get to work, it worked well whilst they were preschool age but once they were in school I changed jobs so that I worked during the day rather than the afternoon/evening.
A fellow parent in my youngest class is a relief chef, they chose to work this way through an agency so that they could pick and choose their own hours and usually the pay is more. Is this something that would work for you?
Depending on finances the easiest fix would be for you to drop hours so that you are home a couple of days.
I would sit down with your DH and say that being at home over the holidays has made you realise what you are missing out on and if your household budget allows you’d like to drop hours/work term time only and see what you come up with.
Ive changed roles 4 times in 13 years purely to work around the children, what works when they are smaller doesn’t always work as they get older.

you still get a fair bit of time with your children, every morning every holiday and weekends. I think this is ok, and like you say, the pros are financial.
remember this isn’t a competition, and your dh probably has more reason to complain that he’s knackered and has no time to himself ‘I get up at 5.30, straight to work a fulll time shift, then straight to pick up 3 under 10s, then look after them solo all night. By the time they’re in bed, I’m straight to bed too, and have absolutely no tome to myself. My de gets hours to herself every morning.’
I think - talk to your dh but come at it from a - is this not working for you either pov, because he might be upset too, and see what is worth compromising on.

Do you work for the same company? Could you swap sometimes

I agree I think it's great when Father's are actively involved in their children's lives and you are right that probably a lot of Father's do feel as though they are missing out because of work commitments.

I'm not saying OP's H is in the wrong at all. It was an arrangement agreed between the two of them but it is not working for OP. So they need to sit down and rethink things to try and achieve an arrangement that suits both of them.