aibu me or dh?

[LookedAtTheSun]

Need to know whose in the wrong here.

Dh went out all day Sunday, no problem with this said he'd be back by 6 latest. He didn't come home till 2am very drunk waking me up!

Then today we went out (dh is off work) for the day with dc. He kept loosing his patience with me, even though I drove us all to the place and arranged the day. Soon as we got in the car to come home dhs friend from Sunday rang and asked if he fancied a few pints. Dh said he'd only be 2 hours max when we got home that was at 3pm.

Well he's still out and saying he will be back by 11pm as he's gone and brought more beers so will be much later than 11.

He goes out often pretty much every other day to see fiends after work, he does spend time with dc but could do more. I've basically lost my patience with him and told him he's a prick for going out so much and leaving me to watch dc yet again!
I have no friends or family nearby so I don't ever get to go out myself but if I did I know he wouldn't like me going out drinking all the time.
He's saying I'm causing a problem out of nothing and he's not a child but aibu to think it's not hard to be honest? Sunday he didn't even tell me he was drinking

Couldn’t be with someone who spent every other day out, drinking or not. Sounds like he’s avoiding family life.

Poor kids.
He clearly has a problem with alcohol.

He's a married dad, not an 18 year old. He shouldn't be leaving you to go out with friends all the time.

He's not always drinking; it's mainly once a week or twice maximum. It's depressing, we have a good life and seems like he's just not finding us interesting enough to spend time with.

He's saying I'm causing a problem out of nothing
It's not you causing the problem. It's him.
He sounds as though he has an alcohol dependency.
Of course it's totally unreasonable for him to be out socialising all the time and leaving you at home to be the parent.
Even if you have no friends and family you should arrange a night out for yourself - cinema? A meal? Even a trip out to a cafe. Or better still find yourself a hobby you can join. And tell him staying into look after the children. Build a life for yourself.

Look up some ‘am I an alcoholic’ questionnaires online and answer them as if you’re him. Problematic drinking is not about the frequency, it’s about the impact on your life and how much of a priority it is, how you think about it. While you can’t know the latter about your DH you can guess, and you do know how it impacts family life.
My DH was a binge drinker, not even every week like yours, but when he was finally honest about how preoccupied with it he was it was shocking. He hasn’t had a drink now for 9 years, we are all much happier.
That thing you describe of ‘just popping out for one’, then rolling in pissed in the early hours bought back memories. No off switch, can’t stop at two is a big alarm bell.

Yes I think I'm going to have too. Feel like I am going stir crazy sat the sofa every evening on my own starring at the TV with nobody to talk too. Stupidly I thought he would want to spend a evening with me after today think that's why I am more upset than usual.

Yes he's a binge drinker. Sometimes polishes off a bottle of vodka; my parents are functioning alcoholics and I can see the signs. I am completely teetotal for this reason and he knows it. Just sad I am married to one when I was trying to escape it.

Out of interest what made you both get together? You are a non drinker and he clearly loves a drink. See this all the time on here and the mind boggles

Sit down and tslk about down time. It should be equal. Agree an amount each week for each of you and stick to it. Take up a hobby or go see a friend. Go to the cinema solo. He won’t understand the impact unless he experiences it

I used to be a very big drinker in my teen years we met then. In my twenties I drank occasionally but wasn't till my thirties I actually quit for good.

I think at this point you would find life easier and less stressful without him. One less child to worry about

I'm not sure if him going out drinking is a bit of a red herring as it sounds like the OP doesn't like him going out as she's lonely. It could just as easily about him 'working all the time'. You need to try and build a support network through local friends if possible. I know that's easy to say.

I have no problem him going out, long as he's not gone all day & night or wakes me up at 2am drunk with no key to get in. Once or twice a week wouldn't bother me but once it's every other day some weeks every day it wears you down when your the one literally doing everything with no adult conversation. Love my dc but only so much I can talk about pokémon.

He doesn't want to be with you or your children.
He's a piss head loser.
Start making plans.
Don't waste your life on him.
You and your children deserve better.

If he's going out this frequently, it's hard not to feel that he just doesn't want to spend time with you and the children. The heavy drinking is not good either. It's not what I'd be looking for in a long term partner.

I think you need to start some hobbies, going to the gym, meeting new people, making friends. You deserve to have some free time too and he can pitch in and do his fair share of feeding, bathing and putting to bed for the children. Time to put your foot down and tell him to shape up or ship out!

Sounds like he has checked out of family life

Yes think he's checked out it's 11am and he's still asleep meanwhile I've been up since 6am with the dc. Came home saying he would spend the day with us today but clearly not if he's still in his pit.

My ex husband did the same I divorced him. Rolling in at 7AM(!), throwing up in the laundry basket, pissing against the bedroom door, on the power cables in my office. All while I was pregnant mind you. Was told it would get better when baby was born - first opportunity he was out until 4am.

Finally ended it one night when quiet dinner with friends became him attempting to order cabs for us all to go clubbing(?!) when we got home at a reasonable hour he insisted he wanted to go out clubbing by himself. Then a strange woman called his number and he wouldn't explain who she was.

Ended it then and there, DD was 10 weeks old. Best thing I ever did, waste of manhood who after 9 years together decided that 37 was the age he wanted to act like his life was an episode of Skins.

Your DH is being unreasonable. And if you feel as affected as I did you need to have a very serious talk with him. I told my ex several times if he carried on I would divorce him. He carried on and FAFO. When it happened (whilst he was sobbing his life was ruined, boo bloody hoo) he said he never expected me to end it and that he knew I was unhappy but as long as he was happy he thought that was ok. They take us for mugs.

He doesn't want family life. He doesn't like it and he wants to live more or less like a single bloke. That's the bottom line, and nothing you do or say is going to change it OP.

And therein lies your answer. Do you want to stay in this situation forever?

It’s a privilege to have children. And one he doesn’t deserve.

He doesn’t want to be a husband or a father - but your kids are witnessing this - he needs to get help for his alcoholism and start doing better with you snd the kids or he needs to go - only he can decide