If you get along with everyone, how do you get along with someone you don’t like?

[stopppedatchurch]

I have always thought I was the type of person who just got along with anyone….. until I met my brothers partner and I just don’t align with her at all, we share no values and I really don’t know how to like her, I’ve never felt like this in my life, is there hope? Or is there just some people you can’t stand?

I'm just pleasant and make small talk.

I don't actually like one of my DHs sisters. She's ok, but we have absolutely nothing in common and so I just exchange banalities if I have to spend any time with her.

You don't have to like everyone, but it's easy enough to be pleasant but reserved.

You don't have to like her

Just behave as if you do, to some extent anyway, not over the top

You must've met one person you don't like?

I’m just polite and make innocuous conversation about the usual small talk things when I need to be around them. It’s usually easy enough when you don’t have to spend a great deal of time with somebody, or one-on-one. You can’t bond with everyone, but if you’re so very different I doubt she’s going to be any more interested in doing so with you than you are with her.

Just keep it superficial - I view difficult relatives as being like colleagues really, you don’t have to like them but you are stuck with them so just keep it light.

Something similar has been on my mind so interested to see what responses you get OP!

I generally operate on the principle that most people have something worth getting to know and liking about them if you look hard enough. I've gone as far as deliberately making a mental note of things about a person that might turn into a spark of connection or into something I can admire.

However sometimes it's very very difficult. You might end up with enough to go on to be pleasant but never be able to establish a deep and meaningful connection.

Could you ask your brother what he most enjoys about her company and admires about her? This could be done in a non-judgemental way - a sort of 'I'd love to get to know her better and would love to learn more about her' kind of conversation.

In fact I'm going to take this advice myself with a relative's partner who I'm struggling to connect with!

I will add that I think it's genuinely ok not to connect with everyone. It can be hard if you've got a bit of an identity around being someone who gets on with everyone, but perhaps it can be a constructive experience to learn the limits of this too? Perhaps getting on 'well enough' is sometimes ok?

Find some common ground. I don't believe for a second that you "share no values". There must be some values you share - belief that one shouldn't harm another human/animal for example. Or your conviction that every person has the right to safety, shelter, education... Your shared love for sour cream and chives pringles... There absolutely ought to be something.
As my good friend says, we can all have very different cultures and views but we all know what heartbreak feels like and all marvel at the sunrise over the mountains. And he's absolutely right.

Agree that you don't have to try to like her. I don't particularly like most people but I always try to be polite, friendly, helpful, kind when I interact with other people as it's not their fault! You can chat about superficial things and just shift the conversation on if it veers onto a topic where you really don't have anything in common and would struggle to hide that. Then limit what exposure you have to her, where you can.

You both have your brother in common - is there really no overlap at all in terms of experiences, values, background, etc that you share with your brother and he shares with her?

She must have qualities that your brother sees. Can you just try to trust his judgment and stick to niceties until you find those qualities for yourself?

Just meet in a group and talk about things like Traitors, that everyone has an opinion on. If she doesn't watch it, ask her what she does watch. Asking about someone's dreams (as in hopes/passions) can be better than their job, because if they don't like it, and don't like you, that conversation is going nowhere.

An honest compliment-you can always find something- that colour she's painted her doors is gorgeous etc- is always useful.