AIBU to be fed up of DMs drinking?

[BioMommy]

AIBU to be upset with DM and feel like her drinking is becoming a serious problem?
For context, I’m a solo mum to a 4-year-old DD and my DM, who is in her 70s, lives with us. I work full time, pay all the bills (she buys done shopping but not all) and generally carry most of the responsibility for DD, the house, finances, organising everything etc.
DM drinks every day. Usually around 1–1.5 bottles of wine a night. This isn’t a new thing and alcoholism has already had a massive impact on our family. My dad died as a result of alcoholism and two of my brothers are recovering alcoholics, one of whom became extremely unwell because of it.
I’ve become increasingly worried about DM’s drinking, but it’s almost impossible to talk to her about it. If I mention alcohol she becomes very defensive and often confrontational, so I tend to avoid the subject.
The immediate situation is this.
For the last 10 days I’ve been absolutely hammering the house trying to get everything sorted before we go away. I’ve basically spent every day cleaning, sorting and scrubbing and several nights I’ve still been going at midnight, 1am or even 2am.
Yesterday I took DD to soft play. The plan afterwards was to go home, DM was going to dye my hair, then I needed to finish cleaning the living room, do mine and DD’s ironing and pack for our holiday.
While we were out DM called to say she’d gone to my auntie’s instead.
We arrived there at about 5.30pm and DM had been drinking wine with my auntie all afternoon.
They could tell I wasn’t myself and asked what was wrong, so I said I was absolutely exhausted and still had loads to do.
They both said, “Just leave DD here.”
I said no because they’d both been drinking.
DM immediately became defensive and started having a go at me. I actually said to her that I wasn’t being confrontational and asked her to please stop because I didn’t want an argument.
I wasn’t saying they were falling-down drunk or accusing them of being incapable human beings. I just don’t think I should leave my 4-year-old in the care of people who have been drinking all afternoon. That’s a boundary I’m not prepared to compromise on.
But there’s another part of this that upset me.
I know DM is entitled to have a life. I know DD is my responsibility and nobody owes me childcare.
But after watching me work myself into the ground for the last 10 days, staying up until stupid o’clock trying to get everything done, I suppose I’d hoped she might think, “She’s absolutely exhausted and has still got loads to do. I’ll give her a hand.”
Instead she’d spent the afternoon drinking.
And I think I just snapped emotionally. Not screaming or causing a scene — just internally felt completely done.
I feel like I have nobody I can actually rely on.
I tried explaining how I felt to my auntie afterwards and her response was basically “I’m always here for you and DD xxx”. I messaged my brother because I desperately wanted somebody else’s perspective and didn’t get a response.
So now I’m questioning myself.
Maybe I am being unreasonable. Maybe because of our family’s history with alcoholism I’m hypersensitive about alcohol. Maybe I’m expecting too much from DM and she’s perfectly entitled to spend an afternoon drinking with her sister rather than helping me.
But I’m also sick of feeling like I’m the difficult one because I have a problem with her drinking.
I don’t want to control whether DM drinks. I’ve realised I can’t do that. But I’m considering setting a firm boundary that if she’s been drinking, she isn’t responsible for DD, and that if she’s agreed to look after DD she needs to not drink beforehand.
I’m also thinking I need to stop discussing anything important with her once she’s started drinking because it invariably becomes confrontational.
AIBU?
And particularly, AIBU to say that regardless of whether DM thinks she has a problem with alcohol, her drinking has become a problem for me, and therefore I’m entitled to put boundaries around how it affects me and DD?

Your boundaries sound more than valid and reasonable to me. As a recovering alcohol addict, I also heartily endorse not having any discussions with her about her drinking once she's started drinking - it never ends well! I'm sorry you're in this position, you sound at the end of your tether.

Sorry OP but it does sound like your mum is an alcoholic, whether she accepts that fact, or not.

Alcoholics are selfish and will put their need for drink above everything else. You and your DD will always come second to her drinking.

Of course you can't ever leave your DD with her safely if she's been drinking. That's just common sense. It really doesn't matter if she complains or protests that she's fine, your only responsibility is to your daughter.

I think it's very unfortunate that your mum lives with you. Living with an alcoholic is hard. Is there any prospect of her moving out and living nearby rather than in your home?

An awful situation for you OP.
I actually think your main corn must be for your DD. With your family's history of alcoholism I would be really concerned about her growing up in a household with your DM and drinkng becoming normalised for her

Have you sought help and support from Al-Anon or one of the other organisations designed to help the families of alcoholics?

Personally if it is your home I would be asking your DM to find alternative living arrangements if she is not prepared to address her alcohol dependency.

I agree with you about the alcohol and not leaving your child with her. She was wrong to not dye your hair as agreed and I would be annoyed about that.

I don’t agree about your position of ‘being exhausted’ from cleaning or staying up until the early hours 10 days in a row to get ready for a holiday. Do you realise that’s not the norm?

There's a lot there.
No you aren't being unreasonable to be fed up with the drinking. You aren't being oversensitive. Your DM is an alcoholic

There are some things you haven't spoken about, or maybe thought through fully, that you really should

Who's house do you live in? Yours? Or your DMs?
First of all, living with an alcoholic is no good for your DD. And your priority in this needs to be her, not your DM. You've clearly seen the affect generational alcoholicm has on your own family. Don't let it pass down the next generation. You need to not live with your DM. If it's your house, she needs to leave ASAP. She has a sister, could she go to her? If this is your mum's house, you need to make plans to leave.

You are feeling huge levels of resentment at everything you're doing and the lack of help your getting. Your DM is not going to step up, she's an alcoholic and selfishness is part of the disease. The only way to stop this is by changing the living situation. And please consider the future, your mum is likely to suffer ill health/dementia from the alcoholism, and who do you expect will be the default career? (if this is your mum's house, it would be sold for care costs should she need residential care, leaving you homeless, so if that's a possibility, please protect yourself by moving out sooner rather than later)

You and you DD deserve better than this. You need to make a change to protect yourselves

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but I do think you have to accept that your mum is not capable or willing to be a mum to you now. My mum was the same, and that level of drinking - taking into account her age, where we're much more sensitive to alcohol - is a lot. She's clearly psychologically dependant and could well be physically dependant. The denial is so frustrating; my mum could literally pour a pint of wine into a glass and sit there and claim it was normal size and that she barely drank. It won't change and I think you need to do whatever you can to set boundaries and protect yourself, and try as best as you can to expect nothing from her, because as a pp said, alcohol issues (well, most addictions really) do make people incredibly selfish.

Agree with all the PPs. Your priority has to be your daughter, a young child shouldn't be around this. Alcoholism is a progressive disease so this will only get worse unless the alcoholic takes active steps to admit their problem and address it. I am sorry about whst happened to your family members but you must be aware of how this often ends and how distressing and traumatising it is to witness. You definitely shouldn't be living with your mother with a young child. Even if your mother admits she has a problem and accepts treatment living with an alcoholic in recovery is dreadful too. If she has to undergo a period of medically supervised detox (likely given her levels of drinking) her GP may not wish to do this if she is living with a young child. She may aldo become dangerous and unpredictable. I mean this kindly but you have to treat this situation as a child protection emergency and your own experiences with alcoholism in the family may have blunted your response as it can be normalised. Your daughter may end up resenting you as she grows older that you did not put her first.

Just to echo the pp too - I don't think you're hypersensitive to alcohol, you're desensitised to it.
I suspect you and your mum might be thinking about her drinking in the context of the wider family, eg that she doesn't drink as much as your brothers did, or as much as your dad did. But spending the afternoon getting drunk is really, really unusual for people in their seventies. And that's not because of any moral reason, or because people that age don't enjoy themselves, it's because most people in their seventies don't enjoy getting drunk - because it makes them feel ill, or tired, or unsteady. They might enjoy socialising eg leisurely lunches but it's rare for most to have a lot of alcohol, and I'd say even rarer for the focus to be alcohol.

Also, please don't try and bargain with your mum that she can't drink if she's going to look after your daughter. Frankly, she won't tell you. And if she's drinking that heavily, you won't necessarily know if she has been because she'll have a tolerance. She can't look after your daughter on her own full stop.

You are 100% reasonable in every way. Except... you are people-pleasing, putting yourself last, which the children of parents who don't behave like adults tend to do.

Does she have to live with you? She's adding stress to an already stressful life.
And do you have to be so perfect to justify your existence? does it matter if the house isn't immaculate befpre you go away? I like it clean and tidy. Dc always tease me for mopping floors etc before we go away. But I wouldn't work myself ragged. It's more important for your DC to have a happy, well-rested mum who demonstrates self-care and self-compassion than a shattered, emotionally fragile one in a sparkling home. I've focused on you in my reply because you have the power to change your own behaviour, but not hers.

theres a few things going on here. It sounds like living with a mum who has an alcohol dependency is not the right thing for you and your child. It might be wise to think about moving out or asking her to, depending on who’s house it is obviously.

I’m unclear though why you’ve been staying up till 1am cleaning the house though for the last 10 days just because you’re going on holiday? It seems like this is an engineered reason to be mad with her when what you’re really upset with is her drinking.

I totally understand where you're coming from, I have a recovering alcoholic in my family and even though he's been sober over 30 years I haven't forgotten how awful it was when it was going on.
yes she's an alcoholic, it sounds like they all are.
what are your long term plans, is she always going to live with you? It sounds like she doesn't want to even consider stopping drinking and it's only going to get worse... you'd certainly be better without her living with you and your daughter.

It sounds like you might benefit from going to Al-anon for support if you're surrounded by them.

Why does your mum live with you? What does she contribute?

^^ this - living with an alcoholic is horrible -imagine your DD in years to come -I’m sure you know what it’s like -start working out how to live separately

Recovering alcoholic here, if this was a partner, would you want to be bringing them around your child? It sounds like you are very much at risk of repeating the cycle with your dd. You aren’t the alcoholic, but you are allowing her to be damaged by alcoholism anyway. In the kindest way, I think your mum needs to find somewhere else to live. This isn’t a suitable environment to raise your child in seeing grandma down a bottle and a half of wine every night. You can’t control someone else’s drinking, but you can control the impact it has on your and your DD’s life. It sounds like she needs to make her own way. I think your boundaries so far are perfectly acceptable but don’t go far enough.

If you lived alone with DD would benefits cover the shortfall

It sounds as though your Mum is not helping around the house on an every day basis. There is a bigger problem here than getting ready for a holiday.

Sounds like it's time to tell her she needs to find her own place. You don't want your daughter thinking such heavy drinking is normal.

I think the fact she lives with you is the issue here.

Having someone sitting around knocking back the wine while you run yourself ragged must be infuriating.

She is entitled to drink, even to the unhealthy levels you mentioned but you don't have to watch her. Can she move out?

Your are carrying your mother financially and domestically which is a burden in itself. Her problem drinking and the worry it causes, the complications in the relationship and what she can be trusted with makes the burden much heavier. Its also not ideal for a child to grow up living with an alcoholic.
The only way your life will be better is if you live separately from your mother.

I don't understand all this manic cleaning until 1am? What's that all about?
It sounds like she's not going to stop just because you tell her to. At 70-something she may well be too set in her ways. And alcohol dependence is very strong.
Does she have to live with you?

Why are you allowing your child to witness this alcoholism? I'd tell her plainly that she stops drinking or moves out. You know it runs in your family and instead of protecting your child, you're exposing her to it on a daily basis.

You’re entitled to whatever boundaries you want to put in when it’s your house and you are the sole bill payer. Maybe she can live with his sister?

When I was younger I used to think that it was REALLY important to leave my home immaculate when I went on holiday. EVERYTHING had to be clean and tidy, and all washing up to date, so that when I came home, all I had to do was catch up on holiday washing. Then I became disabled, and had to learn not to care TOO much about how the house looks. I try as a matter of course to put things away when I've finished with them, and ensure that bathrooms and kitchen are kept clean and tidy, but only dust and vacuum when the house really NEEDS it. I think, as a PP has mentioned, that you're probably using the cleaning as a way of winding yourself up to give you a reason to be able to blast your mother, as presumably she's not working, and in your eyes should be doing any necessary cleaning, while you're out at work all day, (which she should if she's healthy enough to do so) when it's actually the alcohol abuse that is making you mad at her.

Therefore, if the cleaning is just a habit you've got into for similar reasons to why I used to do it, RELAX, it's NOT NECESSARY!!

As far as your mother's drinking, you obviously know from experience with other members of the family, and their drinking, that this is only going to get worse NOT better! You therefore either need to move you and your DD out, if it's your Mum's house, or tell her she has to go if it's yours, ideally as soon as the holiday is over, assuming she's going with you.

I'm SO sorry you're going through this OP, but now is the time to change the pattern of your life, and get yourself and DD COMPLETELY away from the alcoholism that seems to prevail in your family, and while it seems harsh, I think you should cut contact with all members of your family who are big drinkers, otherwise you're just setting up your DD for the sort of life that you have endured so far.

Good luck, and I hope you have a wonderful holiday, which will give you time to relax, and think about where your life goes from here.

OP - you are living with an alcoholic, not your Mum.
She will ALWAYS prioritise booze over everything else, including your DD.

You need to get DD away from her because this is how the cycle continues - you don't want DD to think this is normal and run the risk of her becoming an alcoholic too?

Your "Mum" needs to leave your home. See her ONLY if sober. If you take DD to visit and you suspect she's been drinking go straight back home.

Please, please, do the right thing for your child if not for yourself.

You can't help your "Mum". She's gone.

Come over to the Alcohol Support threads under Health. There's loads of us venting, getting support, and help.

Whose house is it/whose tenancy? I don’t think I’d want a functioning alcoholic living with my child. Drinking that much wine every day is concerning. You clearly can’t rely on her.

I’d query why you’ve been cleaning for days to get the house clean. Why is this necessary? Are you addicted to cleaning, because it sounds very OTT. I say this as someone whose family contains multiple addicts-alcohol/food/obsessive behaviour.