Aibu to refuse wedding invite?

[butterfly231]

My sister is getting married next year and invited me and my toddlers.
should be fine, except a few years ago, I moved abroad with an abusive ex, who systematically tried to isolate me from my family. This culminated in two severe assaults, one that left me hospitalised. I ended up leaving him in a foreign country with 2 small children. At the time, my sister said she didnt know what to believe. And it was possibly the biggest betrayal of my life.

My sister has not visited, has not asked after the kids, has not asked how I am, even though it has now been a year since I began divorce proceedings. The police have become involved and are investigating my ex. She has not even FaceTimed my kids once in over a year - they have no idea who she is.

i used to ring a lot, but when I confronted my sister about what she’d said about my ex, and got that response, I stopped and gave up.

her wedding is in a years time, back in our home country. It would cost about 2k to go back with the kids once you include accommodation, gifts and outfits.

i am currently running a business, parenting 2 small children and managing a police case against a man who continues to harass me and uses the kids to do so. I have no capacity for this, and turned her down, politely, wishing her the best.

my Mum says I was unreasonable and should have gone alone.
aibu?

Oh my goodness. It was an extremely gracious reply, nicer than I’d have been. I’d have nothing to do with her, she’s a disgrace. I’m so sorry for the abuse you’ve suffered, you’re very brave for getting yourself and your children away from him. Your mum can piss off if she knows how your sister has behaved.

I’m sorry to hear what you have experienced. I think you have set some very healthy boundaries with your sister and been a great example for your children.
Don’t let your mother’s opinion give you any doubt on that.

You don’t necessarily need to tell her you’re not going being she’s been a crap sister just that you can’t afford to.

Sorryni missed reading the end of the post! 🤦🏻‍♀️ you’re not unreasonable not to go and if your mum knows the way your sister treated you it’s unfair of her to put pressure on you

Your sister didn’t believe you were assaulted? That is one of the clearest cases I have ever seen of not bothering with a relative ever again. I hope you are getting good support. I used to fundraise for a DV charity and being believed or people minimising it is a real problem. It’s almost like it’s so unpalatable people don’t want to think it happens. I’m so sorry your sister has been so awful to you. If your parents are still alive, were they supportive?

Apologies I missed last line of your post, your Mum should not have criticised you.

She only wants you there to look good . Don’t go , she’s vile .

Also who is your mum expecting to look after your kids if you go alone?

Good lord, don’t go.

Parents can sometimes lean towards ‘oh isn’t nice for everyone to get along and be together’ camp, when in reality your sister has been a total dick and you shouldn’t put up with that crap.

Your mum probably doesn't want talk of "where is @butterfly231 " at the wedding, but that isn't your problem. Your Sister doubting and not supporting you is unforgivable imo.

Not unreasonable. Maybe she only invited you out of politeness and is now relieved she doesn’t have to confront her own behaviour by seeing you there.

I can imagine the event and navigating the relationship being very triggering for you. Don’t go and don’t feel guilty!

It’s an invite not a summons…

“Sorry I can’t attend” is sufficient - no explanation required.

”Mum, the decision has been made, there won’t be any discussion”

Your DM just doesn’t want to have to deal with questions on why you aren’t at the wedding. Tbh your DM doesn’t sound much better than your DSis with that attitude.

Precisely. I'm guessing, in the circumstances, her ex's family are out of the picture - and even if not, there obviously a potential risk in leaving them with that side of the family unsupervised.

I agree. If she brings it up again, I'd be inclined to tell her "Look, you can either accept I'm looking after two children I can't and won't leave with their abusive father, or I can tell sister and anyone else who asks that I'm not going because she refused to believe the abuse happened."

You're a better person than me. I'd have told her to give your invitation to your ex since she favours him over her own sister and nieces/nephews.

Or go and stand up at the reception and point out what a shit sister she's been and that you're only there because your mum has guilt tripped you.

Personally I think you are a very nice person I'd be telling mother exactly what I thought of her and why I am not going

The children are invited

Sorry I've just seen the mother has suggested she go alone as it's cheaper.
Yes I agree it's a ridiculous suggestion.

Hell no. Don't go she doesn't deserve your presence what a bitch.

I think you should not go, both for your sister’s sake and for your own.

You have explained why you should not go and I completely understand.

From your sister’s side, if you attended, you would not be attending in the spirit of a joyful guest, wishing the couple well.

It is difficult to know if your sister has invited you because she genuinely wants you there and is offering an olive branch, or if she’s invited you because she feels that she should.

Your mother does not seem to grasp what you’ve been through.

I would never be speaking to the sister again, nor would I be going to her wedding

Yes she's vile. And yes, she doesn't want to be repeatedly asked why you're not there.

Two excellent reasons why you were absolutely right to decline.

Ugh- what a horrible person. Violence against women being minimised is completely enabling. It’s demoralising for the victim and empowers the perpetrator.
you’ve made your decision and it’s terrible that you Dsis and DM have been like this.
i wouldn’t go in your situation.

I’d be thoroughly pissed off at your mum who clearly wants to sweep everything under the rug. Why isn’t she calling out your sister on her appalling response to you being assaulted and HOSPITALISED?!