Honestly, I’m starting to regret having my second child

[Postpartum26]

I have a beautiful 7 week old DD who is loved and very wanted. She is my second child, I have an almost 4 year old DS.

I know the baby blues are common, as are “what have we done” thoughts. But almost 2 months in and I’m starting to think something is wrong.

My pregnancy with her was very difficult, I became very unwell and there were times where I couldn’t look after DS. Now she is here, she is (like a lot of newborns!) want to be held 24/7, cries a lot, and I feel like me and DS have lost our special bond after this hard year. It’s really affecting him.

As soon as DD was handed to me, I felt instant love. I wanted her throughout the pregnancy, just wanted her to be here safe and sound. But now she’s here I constantly worry how I’ll cope, if I’ll cope and I’m not sure if having a 2nd child was the right choice.

I am receiving support for MH but nothing seems to take these feelings away.

I’m not sure the point of this, some tough love, some get a grip, advice. Anything

Oh lovely. You are in the trenches and it’s hard - it can feel overwhelming. But you will cope - you’ll thrive. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but you will. You’re the best mum for your DS and your DD. It might feel like you’re loosing your bond - but you won’t be. Are you getting some support at home?

I feel exactly the same and had exactly the same with being ill in pregnancy. My second one is two weeks old. No advice but I feel the same. Just keep hoping it will change.

Baby swing was amazing. It gave me that little break when baby was getting restless. Gather as much support as you can. Accept you're in the trenches and you're doing amazing already. Take each day as it comes.

At 2 months postpartum you do not need tough love or to get a grip! You’re still in the fourth trimester, you need to be being cherished and taken care of so you can recover and look after your babies.

A sling saved me with my second. The skin to skin cuddles and oxytocin is for your wellbeing as well as theirs. I really missed my 1:1 time with my eldest after my second was born too, so I understand how hard it is. We used screens when needed and I prioritised our weekly forest school playgroup with the baby attached to me to try and keep a bit of normality for my first.

when my eldest was struggling or needed me I used the saying “I have two knees for my two babies” and tried to cuddle them both if possible. It helped. My youngest has just turned 2 and things are so much easier, we’re all happy, they adore each other and I understand the people who said they couldn’t imagine the second not being here.

it will get easier OP x

It’ll change! My second was an absolute nightmare baby! Didn’t sleep, cried all the time. Never napped. My older daughter told me she didn’t want to be in the family when he was less than a week old. I spent a lot of time in tears. Now he’s an awesome, loving 12 year old and all our lives are 1000x better by him being here. You’re stuck in the trenches, but I promise it will get better.

Having a baby and a toddler was the most difficult time in my life. Which means that from then on it only got better.

Don't be hard on yourself, remember it's the tiredness talking.

The bond with your first does come back. It just takes time. Like a year level of time not weeks.

I had a friend describe it once as like a Cold War what your relationship with the first goes through. Though admittedly we had a smaller age gap.

My DS cried all day when his dad went back to work after his paternity leave. He stopped to eat lunch and then carried on crying.

My youngest is 2.5 now and her and her older brother play together brilliantly, when he was really unwell earlier in the year she helped him learn how to play again, he has gained so much by her being here even though it was a shock to the system at the start.

This will pass OP, your second will get more of a personality and be able to join in and run around with her sibling and you’ll be able to be more available to the older one again.

I absolutely loved having my first as a baby. I loved all the newborn stuff and I had a magic two years with her before I went back to work. I found my second much trickier- found the juggle hard with two and was worried I wasn’t enjoying it enough and that I didn’t love him as much. Ironically he’s the one I’m closest to now.

Have you told your GP and HV how you feel ? It’s a tough time. I have 3 small boys.
A sling saved me with my 2nd and 3rd babies when my husband went back to work. I could have baby on me 24/7 and meet their needs, whilst also being able to make lunches and snacks for other children, and go for little walks etc I saw a babywearing consultant for help with this- rented a few slings before buying what worked well.
when I was sitting down to breastfeed my new baby I made sure to cuddle my other children into the other side of me to share the cuddles.
if new baby took a wee nap in their moses basket then I would try to read with or do a gentle activity with other children ( eg drawing or a jigsaw puzzle etc)
if you have family nearby to help (I didn’t ) then accept help -ask them to take older child to the playground or to bring over a dinner etc

I had HG in my last 2 and it’s hard when it takes away any pregnancy happiness so honestly what you feel is ok and normal . But I’m not wrapping you in wool and say nice things etc because as you say yourself sometimes a bit of tough love is needed . This is your child and you will find a way to deal with it , by all means ask for help from those around you but this feeling will pass and things get better . Im a mum to 4 and some post partum a where harder than others . This time recovery was bad , baby was poorly and back in hospital and honestly was so hard but maybe because it’s my last im also sad this will be my last time holding a sleeping baby , being their everything , smelling that newborn unique smell .
It gets better !!

I was desperate for a second and adored her immediately but definitely felt like this. I had a similar age gap so had the experience of getting some freedom back and it being a shock to the system having a tiny baby again. It honestly does get easier and my feelings calmed down. I think a lot of them were hormonal (not to downplay them). Now she's 18 months I can't imagine not having her here.

Give it time.

I felt a bit like this. Shes now 7, and i sat today watching 9.5 yr old DS and her playing together & they are just thick as thieves and its brill.

I felt the same for a while. I think everyone does to some degree! My second daughter was very difficult a lot of the time - lovely when she wasn't crying/struggling to sleep, but those moments were few and far between for at least the first 6 months and I basically just lived in my room trying to help her go to sleep while her dad took care of our then 3 year old downstairs.

They're 12 and 9 now and I can barely remember life before I had two girls. I have a great relationship with both of them, especially now the older one has started puberty and comes to me about everything. I feel like it was survive rather than thrive for a time, but absolutely no harm was done long term. I'd say by about a year into life with two children we were more than back to normal. It's a tiny amount of time in the grand scheme of things, and it will all work out ok.

I have a 4 week old DS2 and a 3.5 year old DS1. DS2 wants to be held all the time as well and I'm wasting away my life sitting on the sofa with him hanging off my boob, unable to do anything else. I barely spend any time with my DS1 who was very attached to me until the age of 2, luckily in the past year he became a bit more independent. I look at him spending time with DH while I'm holding the baby again and feel so sad. This morning I managed to play a board game with DS1 while holding the baby and it was amazing.

I don't regret having another child for a second because I know this phase is temporary. My older child was a newborn once too and wanted to be held all the time, then he became this smart boy who can play independently. This difficult phase will pass, you just need to get through it. Don't pressurise yourself, it's survival at this point. Take each day as it comes. Envision your two children playing together in a couple of years and all of the fun outings you will have as a family in the years to come. Imagine both children becoming adults and having their own children. The price you pay for all the wonderful future together is this difficult time which you just need to get through now. You can do it, it's just temporary

Yes, this is normal I think! Take it slowly. Do you remember there were some, perhaps fewer, moments when your firstborn was newborn and you thought, what have I done? It is really hard at this stage with two, and I strongly encourage you to tell the father, and anyone else around, that sometimes they need to take away the baby away so you can be with your firstborn, because they may not get that. But in general, yes, you will all survive this. The first year is even more terrible with a second child than with a first-- this is what no one warns you about!

Didnt want to read and run! I have an 11 week old DD and a nearly 4 year old DD. The guilt of not being able to tend to my 4 year old like I used to consumes me every day, but I promise the newborn clingy phase will pass. My youngest was the same up until around 9 weeks old. She cried if I put her in her car seat! I couldn't do anything, not even go in the car to do a nursery run. I dreaded it every single day. Things are much better now and shes quite happy sitting in her rocker chair whilst I can give my eldest some attention and play etc. The blues and fussiness stage wont last forever (as someone who ended up with PND from their first) sending love 🥰

No advice but in the same boat here with a newborn and a toddler. Newborn insists on being glued to someone at all times and even then isn’t particularly happy, toddler vying for attention and acting up, nobody getting any sleep so we’ve got little patience for either, unbearable heat not helping at all, atmosphere in the house becoming terrible and I’m utterly miserable wondering what we’ve done.

I knew it would be hard but it feels completely overwhelming and I am starting to feel like it wasn’t the best decision for our family. We used to be a happy little family unit and I feel guilty for ruining things for my toddler. And then I feel so guilty for feeling like that about my newborn. Pleased to read it should get better with time but no idea how to preserve my mental health and my relationships with DH, toddler and newborn until it does!