To ask for tips for dealing with your critical/ picky mums?

[Freudsdream]

Does anyone have a mum like mine and how do you deal with it?

Whenever I see my mum she is always making helpful hints usually about appearance. Eg in a 3 hr visit where I picked her up for a family party this weekend..... she untucked part of my outfit, offered me a hair brush, asked why I had tied it up, told me to untie it for the family photo, asked if I wanted to borrow her jewelry.

Im a fully grown woman, senior career, own a house and have moved out of my home town. However im fat, and more outdoorsy than glamourous which are big sins in my mother's world. Im never not appropriate for an event but often not wearing the same level of make up that she would be.

It feels like no matter what I did, that unless im thin im a bit of an embarrassment, thin sister is shown little of this but equally my overweight but less overweight sister seems to be spared it to.

I've tried to not act like a teenager as a response by ducking or swatting her everytime she picks something non existent out of my hair, picks fluff off me or smooths my outfit

Im aware that ive become snappy at times to what could be genuine questions eg "what are you going to do about that cabinet" and calmly respond rather than being a stroppy 15 year old and shout "it's my bloody house, no i shan't just to spite you!"

Im also aware that actually perhaps im fat because I dont want to give her the satisfaction! My weight has been bought up since I was an early teen (never directly but "are you going to cover your arms?" Type thing). Im a pretty impressive woman, and I feel like she just sees me as fat.

Every single time she says something you don't like, or that crosses the line, you simply say..

Please don't be rude.
It's none of your business.
That's my decision.
It's my house, so my choice.

Whichever fits the situation.

You don't need to discuss these things, just be firm. It's like training a dog. In the end, hopefully she will get the message.

Answer in an over breezy way, and bat it back to her:
"Oh I'm working-you're welcome to come round tomorrow to do the cabinet"
"When are you going to repaint the walls in your house?"

Or you could just keep sending her that Friends episode where Moica gets fed up with her mum interfering, and when her mum tells her that HER mum used to belittle her, Monica asks if she wishes she'd said something. Seriously-would this make her think. I'm asking being serious-sometimes things like this do make people change. But you know her.

No advice but my mum is just like this. It drives me mad and I'm always in a mad mood after seeing her. It's horrible because I want to have a nice relationship with my mum and always look forward to seeing her hoping we'll have a nice time but we never do.

When I tell her off she gets upset and says I'm being nasty because she's "just saying" and she "can't do anything right". I know she loves me that's why she gets so upset when I tell her off and get snappy with her but she can't get on with anyone so I've just concluded there's something wrong with her. She's not being horrible she just doesn't know how to talk to people.

Yeah im never sure if it's just her way of showing worry and care.

Im currently trying to give her more grave than I gave her bedore but man its hard!

Why do you need to be gracious? She’s hardly reciprocating.

No advice but my mum is the same.

Mine used to be a bit like this. My two best techniques are:

”Good idea” - as in “why don’t you paid that cabinet white and move it to the other side of the room?” “Good idea” then add nothing/do nothing about it.

”Everyone else loves…” - as in “that top is so unflattering on you and really shows your tummy” “strange you say that as I’ve had three people tell me how great it looks.”

My DM is like this - I guess we'll never stop being their daughters, no matter how old or how "high up" we are.
I make a conscious effort not to be the same with my girls.

I told my DM her cleavage was too crepey to wear those type of tops.
Her lipstick was the wrong colour, etc etc

She was upset by this but then I just said ‘Oh I thought this is what we are doing, is it not ?’ She said what do you mean, I outlined what she said and then it never happened again

I try to channel Transactional Analysis.

Essentially you can be in one of three states. Adult, Parent, Child. Adult to adult is best. But when someone acts like a Parent (not a normal mum) you desperately want to regress to Child. I try very hard to stay in Adult.

And I fail. Good luck!

My Mum is not like this thankfully but if she was I’d address it head on. I think your response of ducking or swatting her every time she picks something non existent out of my hair etc is too wishy washy.

When you see her next maybe it would be best to bring it up and explain to her what you’ve explained on here. Tell her that in future, you don’t want her to do XY and Z because you don’t like it and that if she forgets you will clearly remind her.

You can explain why if you want but keep the focus on what you want her to do. There is no need to muddle the message with talking about how she behaves with your sisters etc. Keep it short and simple. There is no need to discuss it at any length.
It’s likely she will forget, if she has been doing this for years then it’s understandable, so be prepared to remind her.

To which she’ll reply “Why are you being so sensitive? I’m only trying to help! You’re always so defensive/combative!”… etc etc etc

Good question about why im trying to give her grace

Sometimes I can see that im harsh on her. She's often saying daft stuff that we laugh at etc and I can see that she gets cast in that sad sitcom silly mum role where people dont take her thoughts seriously and we all infantalise her at times.

For example she can struggle with wording stuff so will often use (not outrageously so) outdated language and I noticed got really down trodden. She once said that she felt we constantly twisted her words and made her out to be racist/ homophobic etc. I try to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her get her sentence out and try to follow the intent rather than being the pious woke daughter that makes her tangle her words even more

I also feel that she feels this is what mothering is. Ive not been an easy person to mother at times, im private and fiercely independent so dont let her in much and have been like that since a teen. She once honestly spoke of how difficult it was to watch me navigate mental health difficulties while I shut her out (which is true)

I went through some genuine difficulties as a kid where because of SEN they were told to limit certain expectations, i was bullied etc so while the ending is happy i do think she has a bit of worry for that shes never been able to shake which is different to my siblings I think

My path has been a bit different to her white picket fence life, I think she struggles to connect with me in a way that she doesnt with my siblings who are similar to her.

Oh God and then people say to "don't sink to her level" and it's like 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
I'm not Michelle Obama. I'd rather bite back in a bitchy manner but then the mother turns on the waterworks.

No advice but my mums the same. At the weekend she did it in front of my young children and it’s been bothering me ever since. She is a bully, I know she loves me and does a lot for me childcare wise but does almost like to keep me under the thumb as such. If I ever criticise how she’s spoken to me I get a tirade of how much she does for me and no acknowledgement that what she’s said is not ok.

I have similar, mine is the queen of the backhanded compliment, speaks to me like a child and sends 'helpful' reminders 'have you sorted xyz yet? You want to get on with that before abc' as though I am not capable of managing my life admin - to make it worse the advice is usually wrong anyway, thing legal stuff which is not actually true etc.

I dont have the answer other than low contact. Ive tried ignoring, gentle and former rebukes and directly saying that I dont need advice but then she plays the victim so well, runs off to other relatives who tell me I am the bad guy, she is old, just trying to help and ive upset her.

So now I keep calls and visits short, sweet and infrequent

My dm, who is no longer here, criticised me all my life. My brother was all that was good and could do no wrong. Mum loved me but my brother dripped venom in her ear about family members as she got older. However the tendency to be critical was always there. Family and friends could see the dynamics too. I used to get angry and annoyed. Eventually I played critical word bingo and never responded. If she started criticising me in her house, I cut the visit short.

I have a MIL like this. The only answer I've been able to find is to not let it slide, I pick her up on it, every single time.

"Why is your hair up?" Because I'm happy with it that way, I'm a grown adult, no I don't want a hairbrush and it's not your place to comment.
"Don't you think you'd like better with your arms covered?" No, it's fucking hot Jo and I'm supremely unconcerned about my wobbly arms offending someone else's eyeballs and/or sensibilities.

Whatever it is, if it's that I'm working too much and neglecting her son and grandchildren, or not working and "living off her son" (while caring for our two young children). I just decided she doesn't get to do it. She doesn't get to speak to me like that without me pointing it out, and responding appropriately.

It's been pretty exhausting dealing with her but she's backed off these days and, weirdly, I think she respects me. Would have been nice if she could just be nice in the first place. But I don't take it personally, she tries to pick everyone up shreds.

All of this is absolutely fine and valid. BUT the value being put on your appearance does not correlate and you are no longer at school, being bullied etc.

You have to set boundaries otherwise it’s going to impact your relationship further.
“Mum please stop commenting on my weight.” “My hair is fine”. “ I didn’t ask your thoughts on my dress”
when she starts with “you’re so sensitive”, clearly and calmly say “nope. Definitely not. Just don’t want opinions on my appearance, didn’t ask for them and don’t need them”. And repeat.
And if all else fails a previous poster said to start giving comments back and highlight the comparison.
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Exactly.

If you have patience, train her the way you would a puppy or a small child. Reward the good behaviour (when she’s behaving civilly) with your presence and/or attention, punish the bad by removing your presence. ‘Mum, you need to make people want to be around you. I’m off.’

Yes mine is a bit like this. Shes got a little better appearance wise since she made a comment about her own appearance infront of my young daughter and the daughter copied it abiut herself. I dont like my knees too nana I cant wear shorts too! For years she asked me constantly what size every piece of clothing I wore was. I was throwing out some trousers as they didnt fit and she held them up and kept saying look at them! These dont fit! Are you sure???...like how could someone possibly be so fat as not to be able to wear them. She had very disorded eating when we were growing up.
But now its more house...
It boggles my mind a bit because I just think I wouldnt care to comment so negatively. Often if I do something a different way to her she takes that as a criticism, I just have learnt to say, well this is what works for me. Its a shame though and Im trying to be mindful not to do that with my kids. I know she doesn't mean it really. And when they were babies she did try really hard to be less critical. I think a lot of it comes from a low self esteem