AIBU to keep quiet and avoid office small talk?

[StinkySheepdog]

I'm very much an introvert, prefer to keep myself to myself.

At work, I come in, do my job, go home. I'm not one for gossip or small talk. I prefer to stay out of office politics.

I'm starting to feel others in the office are not happy about me being so quiet. I'm always polite, will speak about work related things, ask for help / support, give help / support if asked - just not interested in making small talk.

Would it make others feel uncomfortable to have a quiet person in the office? Should I make more of an effort to become friendly with colleagues?

I’m not interested in what others do in the office or even notice. Mind you equally I’ve only rarely been in offices where people spend a lot of time visibly gossiping so maybe yours is unusual?

I talk a lot at work, I need to talk to people about work. I do like knowing about their lives though, it makes the working relationship more pleasant and helps with bonding

Not uncomfortable at all. I’m one of those that stresses if someone is quiet that there’s something wrong and they’re sad or they want to be included but can’t find the words. So maybe try and get it in at some point that you like your own company and happy to be quiet at work in case they keep trying to pull you in and make it awkward for everyone

it wouldn’t bother me at all as long as you observed social norms of politeness.

I have a colleague who neither says “good morning” or “good night” and can go all day without acknowledging your existence unless she needs something. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable though, I just think she is rude.

But if you give me a quick hi/smile/nod everyday and just get on with your work that would be completely fine.

I find people who claim to be above "small talks" and are not interested in joining to the most basic exchange quite insufferable 😂

You don't have to become the office gossip or waste your day with mindless chit chats and Linda and her stupid "tea run", but is it such a drain to ask if someone had a good weekend or can recommend a good restaurant in the neighbourhood or any random stuff? You spend 40 hours a week and more next to these people, what's wrong with being friendly.

I am 100% in favour of WFH so I don't waste my time with people, but the ones who think they are too superior are a pain because they put a bad atmosphere. So do the gossip ones, but at least you can tell to shut up .

It’s not being superior though? They just don’t feel comfortable discussing their private lives at work.

I find invariably people ask you about your kids, your husband/partner, if you’re married etc. If a person offers up this info then fine, but please don’t ask! They may have just been divorced, can’t have children, recently bereaved, partner in prison even.

I'm similar to you, OP. I suspect some people do find it rude or judge me poorly because I tend to prefer to quietly focus on my work. It depends what their expectations of you are. I find many women expect/prefer other women to be chatty and gossipy in a way that is not expected of men.

Work is work, so no, I don't believe people should be villainised for being quiet, but I must admit, I do find overly quiet people a bit of a bore. I don't mean gossiping and politics, but more the chatting and small talk.

So I may quietly think of you as a bit of a drag, yes, but I wouldn't gossip about you to other colleagues, no.

yes, they are making small talk. Completely non-private facts that are not intrusive, rude or judgemental.

No one is asking for your life story, partner in prison even up to you to say you're not married.

Small talk is just making conversation, and often finding common ground and something to discuss. Having kids is fairly major in people's life, it changes the entire set-up, no one is asking how often you are having sex and if you are trying to get pregnant.

Surely you can answer a simple question without taking it as a personal insult?

I think it's fine to do this, it is probably what I do and I don't project a big personality or put myself at the centre of things but I do think when you are like this people think you are a bit aloof and after a while you won't be included as much if at all. If you are fine with this then great but be aware. Also my mum decided to withdraw at work and socially to protect her peace but then after she retired she felt quite lonely.

I had a very quiet colleague some years ago. I noticed she had magazines on her desk. I used to read those trashy Chat style mags on the bus in, so, without really talking about it, we started a magazine exchange. She'd leave her read ones on my desk, and I left mine on hers. We never really spoke much, not even about the magazines, but that little connection brightened my day.

You don't have to natter to connect.

you don’t need to gossip or do office politics but you can be a little social. Just checking in, asking how their weekend or holiday went or general chit chat. You’re in work a long time and being friendly softens it.
if I sat next to someone who only talked work it would make my working time quite lonely and boring.

There’s a fine line between being friendly and polite and getting involved in everything and gossiping etc. I worked with a girl who barely spoke all day, she gave the impression she thought she was above us - e.g: we invited her to lunch and she just said ‘No thanks’. No ‘reason’ as such, I’d rather she’d said ‘oh that would have been lovely but I need to pop to the library/dentist/Asda etc. She created a terrible atmosphere in the office and we weren’t a nasty bunch, we were all a similar age and got on well.

@BurntBroccoli but that’s just making conversation. You don’t have to go in to any details but if people are asking if you’re married/have children is just societies way of getting to know a person especially one they’ll be having many future interactions with.

I couldn’t care less how much detail my co workers go in to or want me to know if they keep it brief I just would never want anyone to feel left out or that they weren’t included in things. A common bugbear amongst people is talking about yourself and never asking anyone anything about them so you’ll never please everyone but generally if people pick up something is a sensitive subject they’ll leave that alone.
We stick to lots of safe topics in the office, weekend plans, travel, meals out, recent films/tv and of course actual work talk. Basically all things you can contribute as much or as little as you want too.

It’s really not nosiness most people don’t care enough but it’s nice to foster working relationships, if you have to work on things together being able to get on makes life a lot easier.

Thanks for all the thoughts.

I don't think of myself as superior - I feel I may be inferior as I can't 'do' small talk, it just doesn't come naturally to me.

I do ask about weekends etc just don't really chat much during the day after asking those questions first thing.

I do worry I may be unintentionally creating an atmosphere if others would prefer to have more general chat throughout the day.

If your colleagues don't know WHY you're so quiet they will think you're judging them and that you feel superior. Because of their own lack of confidence

I had a team member like this. She was nice and polite but quiet and very private. She let me know she wouldn't be joining any group events outside of work time, in the pub or Christmas parties etc, she just wanted to keep work and personal life private and separate. It was fine, she was a good employee, and we respected her boundaries.

Nobody does small talk well without practice....I am good at it because I have had jobs where building rapport quickly was important....I made a hell a lot of mistakes, coming over as nosy or too self interested before getting better.

You do the small talk though. You talk about the weekend, you ask others. That's enough. It's no bad thing to let people realise that your an introvert, as long as your job doesn't need all extroverts, it's fine.

It's the person who says nothing, bats away attempts at conversation with yes no answers, doesn't ask about others that makes people feel uncomfortable

It depends what you mean by "gossip" or "small talk".

If you mean you don't want to know about who's sleeping with whom or to slag colleagues off behind their backs, all power to you. Getting involved in that kind of thing is a vast energy vacuum. No one should have to devote precious time and energy to that sort of thing.

But I know what @theneighboureatmysalad means. Some people are really pointed about being "introverted" (and usually they don't actually mean introverted, they mean shy) and are studiously uninvolved and it can be a bit of a pain in the arse for others if you take that approach.

The reality is that when you work with people you have to oil the wheels of social harmony a bit. You spend a lot of time with other people in work. You don't have to go drinking with them or have Sunday lunch at their house but if you retreat when spoken to, refuse to acknowledge people and generally don't say boo to a goose it gets a bit tedious to be around.

It doesn't cost you anything to observe basic pleasantries: ask people about their weekends, offer to do the odd tea run, chat occasionally about what was on TV, and it goes a long, long way in business. So don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

I think you might be over thinking this.

I’m a naturally chatty person, I don’t expect everyone else to be.

I try very hard to identify quiet people who like me chatting to them and doing the heavy lifting so to speak and the quiet people that want me to say “morning, what lovely weather and then shut the hell up.

I don’t mind either way.

In my experience more leeway is given to quiet people for being naturally quiet than is given to chatty people for being naturally chatty. 😆

that's the kind of people I mean. They're annoying

I'd say at least 75% of people have no interest in work events, Christmas do etc. They still make the effort to show up.
The business would be blamed for not doing anything anyway, but most people do make an effort, so I have very little sympathy for those who just can't be bothered.

We hear complain that WFH will isolate people, the one or twice a year event can be the chance to put a proper face and voice on a name.

Most of us don't bring our personal life at work, have a life and much better to do than spending time with work colleagues we didn't chose, but it doesn't kill anyone to be a bit friendly. It's also the implication that they are special but everyone else is a bit pathetic to attend.

We’ve had a new starter in our team who hasn’t reached out to say hello and ignored my message welcoming her to the team. Shes done the same to colleagues. Now she needs to show some of our calls once again hadn’t reached out to ask, all done via manager so nobody offering to help her. You get out what you put into life. Nothing wrong with being quiet as long as polite, connected and people know you exist.

but that's not all small talk is? it could be the weather, what you're up to on the weekend, a compliment on a dress, what tv show you're watching etc.

I agree with @theneighboureatmysalad, you don't have to be best mates with colleagues or spend all day chatting, but 2 minutes pleasantries isn't going to impact your workload, is it? Most people spend more time (in terms of physical proximity while awake) with their colleagues than their best friends or family (other than those you live with), surely it's nicer to at least have some interaction with them as fellow humans rather than corporate drones?

Otherwise why not just replace us all with AI?

Not to mention it's often only when chatting with people you get to know things that can help you - both work related stuff (i.e. who is good with IT, who is the person to ask about a tricky customer or historic case), but even external stuff like giving recommendations for a good cleaner, fun local day out, perspective on a prospective school from someone whose kids already go there, etc.

Exactly this. Its when people imply that being withdrawn (or “introverted” in the incorrect use of the word) makes them special or interesting or try to turn it into their personality. Its tedious and self indulgent.

With a few very extroverted exceptions most people find it hard to settle into a new environment. Many people are shy and take time to open up to people. Most people find loud social situations daunting and a lot of people would rather be at home watching TV than at the works do.

You suck it up like everyone else does, put a smile on and make the best of it, be open to people and maybe surprise yourself. You’re not that different from everyone else and you don’t get to opt out because you’re an “introvert”.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I’m so tired of “I am an introvert” being used to justify people trying to opt out of the world.

I’m rather quiet at work myself, not a big personality but I like to make small talk, ask about weekends, holidays, kids, cats etc. Will happily talk about my own life.

But I sit opposite someone who, when I ask her if she had a nice weekend/annual leave only says “It was alright” and if I ask her if she did anything nice replies with “Just the usual”. She never reciprocates and asks about me.

We used to talk all the time, so I know we have things in common and when she wants to I enjoy her conversations.

However, it’s got to the point where she books a week of annual leave, but never mentions it out loud and we only find out when she emails her handover out then doesn’t turn up on Monday (obvs the managers know she’s off).

It’s now at the stage where I simply don’t talk to her as all I get now are one word answers. I’ve tried everything and I do like her, we have things in common, but I’m just fed up and find her rude. There have been so many times we’ve just sat for hours in silence just working away, aside from “Good morning” and “have a nice evening”.

I don't really understand people who don't want to make connections at work. We spend so much of our waking lives with our colleagues and some of my best friends have been made through professional settings. I'm not particularly extrovert, get my head down when the pressure is on, but life would be tremendously tedious if I didn't chat, laugh, or be able to find a common ground with my workmates. I have been there and I find it really uncomfortable working with someone who doesn't engage, but I also appreciate that's my problem. You do you, but yes, your lack of engagement will put some others on edge.