Household bills

[cookingonwine]

Hello, I’m hoping that you would be able to give me some advice. I married with one child. My husband has been increasing becoming irritated by the ways we spilt the bills and I am hoping for some critical friends here.

The Mortage used to be £750 a month but for the last year it has increased to £1,650 a month. So previously all the household bills were £1,700 a month but now they are £2,600 a month. I give £900 a month as I pay for all of our son’s activities, food and clothes . Our son has a speech impediment so has private speech and language at £60 a session - his speech has improved significantly. Plus he does violin at £25 per week, tennis £77 a term, drums £40 a term and drama school £177 a term. Normally I spend about £120 on food a week. Due to my husband working patterns he isn’t around in the evenings or most weekends so I am constantly with our child and do activities most weekends. However my husband has a wonderful social life and will go out with the lads at least twice a month to the pub or a meal, plus he goes to a gaming night once a month and can hit the gym most days. Hence has had two lads holidays this year and has another one upcoming. I also take and pick up our son most days from school. I have not been out with my friends or had a girls holiday coming up to 4 years and going out for a coffee or meal hasn’t happened for the last four years either. we both earn the same amount of money and both work full time and I am based from home.

my husband feels I should give more to the household bills however I am very reluctant to do this, as our son is 9 and he has only brought two items of clothes for him ever a pack of underwear and some PJs that’s it. I am scared if I give more to the household bills I won’t have money to take my son out at weekends or have much fun with him.

do you feel I am wrong in my thinking

Your son should count as a household bill surely.
Thus as you earn equally you should both contribute the same to the pot.

You spend a lot on your son- a lot. Does he need to do everything he does? Will this ease up? What fun stuff do you want to do at the weekend? Would that not be as a family?

Why not set up a joint account for all household and family cost items and contribute equally? So the mortgage, insurances, groceries, kids activities etc all are paid from that account?

That way there is no blurred lines and anything left in your account is for you to spend as you wish and he pays for his social outings out of what he has left.

Also... start taking time for yourself. Whether you go out or just hide away having a bath etc make sure you get some personal time or you'll burn out and grow resentful.

As you both earn the same, I would put all money into a joint account and pay for everything from there, bills, food, son's expenses, personal spends, everything.

Personally, I’d stop thinking in terms of “my money” and “his money”. You’re a married couple with a child. I’d want all income paid into a joint account, all family bills paid from there, and then each adult gets exactly the same personal spending allowance every month. That way neither of you has to justify buying a coffee, a game, or a night out, and neither of you ends up subsidising the family’s life while the other has more disposable income.
If he doesn’t want a joint account, then I’d suggest sitting down and listing every family expense over a year—not just the mortgage. Include food, clothes, school costs, activities, holidays, presents, petrol for school runs, everything. You may find you’re already contributing far more than he realises.

We do this. We each keep the same "fun money"... my DH buys tech, I buy coffee and get my hair done. There's never a question of spending on ourselves because the bills are all paid and kids are sorted. We are a family... its family money.

you each put the same amount into a joint household account (which includes your sons clothes, activities etc) and anything left is for your own spends. Then you book yourself a girl's holiday.

This isn't just about bills. Your son is taking up all your money and all your time. Your OH is contributing very little time or money. You need to address both the time and the money balance.

When your married with a kid Time and money should all go into a box g family pot to be shared out.

Firstly you needed a joint account that you contribute to equally. All your family expenses incl your son's come out of this. Whatever money is left at the end of the month goes into a family savings pot for a holiday or the next big expense eg car, boiler.

Then you need to carve some time out for YOU EVERY WEEK. Your DH is having all that leisure time because you're letting him. So arrange a monthly schedule, you see your friends, he sees his, you plan a family holiday together or separately but you can go away on your own and leave the child with his dad. You pay for family events out of the joint account and savings, or each of you keeps the same amount out of the family pot for fund spends each month.

Claim your life back OP, son is 9 and it's perfectly doable now.

Good luck!

Why don’t you both put £1500 in the bill account, that will cover your household bills and your son’s activities. Then you are both left with the same amount for yourself to do what you please with

No one can say what’s reasonable without actually knowing what you both and and what is covered. On the face of it your DH is having to find an extra £1000 a month since last year which is a huge leap on most incomes.
It sounds like your direct contribution to the bills hasn’t increased.
What do you both pay as a percentage of your salary?

What @Jopo12 said.

This discussion needs to be about time spent with your ds and time spent on contributing to the household, as well as money.

However, at a basic level, your son's activities should be as much a "bill" which you both contribute towards as any other cost (including his clothes, food, etc).

Like many others, in our family all money goes into the one pot, then, since we've been able to afford to, we put money by for saving towards big bills like holidays or eventually replacing the car, or work on the house, etc., then after that we have equal spending money, to do with as we want.

But once again, that comes with equal 'time off' to do with as we please.
I can't understand how he is out every week and going away regularly when you dpn't do anything to relax with your friends.

This.

And we sound like we have a similar household budget. Our costs are also up 1k. Scary times.

Split the money totally equally on Monzo and starling you can create "pots".

So joint account all bills paid and you know what these bills are so on pay day leave that amount and everything else goes to joint pots , one for your son wash pay whatever a month / 100 each maybe , another pot for food...what ever your food bill is monthly we put 580 pounds a month aside for food as an example.
Then a pot for Christmas mostly for your son /outings presents extras / birthday again mostly for your son .
We pay 20 a month each into bday.

Another allocation for petrol again you shld roughly know what you spend etc we have 20 per week DH and 40 per week me

We have another one for short term savings /premium bonds / stocks and shares ISA /and a holiday pot ,car insurance /tax pot which is 40 a month.

Once everything is broken down what's left is for personal stuff. Oh and we also have a weekend allocation for take aways or eating out etc.

What's left is what's left for each person.

This way no one is left covering unequal expenses except he earns more and contributed more to some pots.

You haven’t included your sons clothing, going out or other expenses like haircuts etc - so presumably what you’re paying is quite a bit more than what you’ve listed?
Personally I’d invoice him for all the parenting time you’re covering for him too. But then I couldn’t be arsed with a mean & selfish co ‘parent’ either. Irritated he can’t spend all his money on himself? Sounds like a neglectful parent with a side order of financial abuse in the making.

Same - so much easier and no bitching about who "buys" what

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but the money situation in your house seems odd to me.

Have one joint account and no others and stop thinking in terms of "my money" and "your money". You're married with a child and a mortgage, not flatmates.

@cookingonwine so you pay £900 and H pays £1700 into the joint account. You also pay for all groceries and everything else your DS requires.

From just adding your monthly food shop this takes your monthly contribution to £1380. So that leaves a difference of £320 and from the list you provided you clearly do spend this (if not more) on your DS per month.

Your H is not seeing this or understanding this.

So, I would do the following:
a) make sure you have a debit card for the joint account
b) match his £1700 in the joint account
c) move the DS activity DD over to the joint account
d) use joint account to pay for weekly shop
e) use joint account to withdraw cash for anything you’ve listed that you pay cash for - ie speech therapy etc..

It will probably transpire the £3400 between you doesn’t cover everything, so you may benefit from your H having to contribute more each month once he’s hit with a reality check!