To buy my 11 year old a phone?

[Annnir]

I’m really torn on whether to buy my daughter a phone. I was adamant she would not get one until she was in year 9 (so age 14) but I’m willing to reconsider now. Can parents who have older kids please advise me if I’m making a mistake and other things to consider. I was thinking to get her a brick phone but now thinking she’s about to start secondary school and might get excluded from meet-ups with her new friends. I will have rules such as the phone will be switched off between certain hours and I will have access to check every so often but what else do I need to think about? Any advice please appreciated

It's very hard to restrict it or take it away once you've done it!

My nearly 13-yr old doesn't have one, and so far it's been broadly fine. He can go to the park after school with friends if he wants, as long as he's home by a certain time. It helps that I'm friends with some of his friends' parents so we do make some arrangements ourselves, and generally he's quite a home bird. Also helps that school is only 8 mins walk away and we live in a fairly safe area.

In your position I'd probably wait until she starts school and has settled in a bit before doing anything. I would 100% not get her a smartphone though, if you do go ahead.

My advice would be to first have a look at the 'Screen Free Childhood' website for smart phone alternatives - https://www.smartphonefreechildhood.org/alternatives

I would prefer an Android over an iPhone as I felt I had more control over my son's phone when he had an Android as opposed to iPhone - however I've all been biased towards Android and I'm sure an iPhone fan will come along and give the opposite advice :)

My top tips - and these are mostly based on the controls I was able to setup via the Family Link android app:

1. Start up and shut down times - my son's phone switched off between 9pm and 7am
2. Screen time limit - he couldn't use his phone for more than 3 hours a day

(Both of the above could be easily changed via the Family link app when required - e.g. when staying out late or needing more screen time when on holiday - but I always had to approve via the app)

1. He couldn't download any apps unless I approved - every time he wanted a new app, I would get a request via Family Link to approve or reject
2. Complete ban on YouTube - no app and also banned via web browsers. Youtube is bad for kids!!!
3. He doesn't have any social apps apart from whatsapp
4. I could pick up his phone anytime and go through all his messages and history

Some may say this seems excessive, but I'm from the tech industry and I know how these apps have been built to keep young users engaged and how harmful they can be. Yes, children need to learn on their own, but when it comes to online safety, I strongly believe parents have to keep a watch and have control.

I got my son one at the end of year 6, when he started walking home. I got him an iPhone so I could add him to my find my iPhone and track him. He is 13 now.

Their family management is pretty good but I have heard sometimes parts of it can be outsmarted by teenagers if they are that way inclined (I haven’t have any issues with this) It allows me to control what apps he can download (I do not allow any social media at all other than WhatsApp). You can also ban specific websites, I have banned all social media websites, YouTube and Reddit, as well as some other suggested sites I learn about when I did safeguarding training as part of my job.

For my son, we have the following rules:

1. I get the phone at 7.30 each night, or when he comes home from being out which is 8.30. We have a shut down in place on the phone so that he cannot use his phone after 8.30 or before 7.30

2. The phone is kept in my room overnight, and charged in my bedroom - no exceptions.

3. No being part of large group chats on WhatsApp. Small ones with his friends are ok, big ones such as ‘year 8 boys’ I don’t allow.

4. It is my phone, I just allow him to use it. I can check this phone as and when I want. If there is ever a time where he argues, or I feel he is being secretive the phone will be removed and he will be given a Nokia 3310. (I normally check his phone weekly and at a random time - middle of the day, Saturday morning).

5. We continually tell him a phone is a privilege and not a right. He has the phone for as long as we can trust him, again, similar to before, if there ever comes a time where that trust is broken, secrecy, deceit, bullying then the phone is gone and out comes the Nokia 3310.

My son so far has been pretty responsible. We had one issue where he searched for ‘French kissing’ in year 7 but he wasn’t able to get passed the safeguards in place.

Almost identical to me? I wonder if you too work in education or a child care adjacent setting!

I don't, but I've always been aware of the harm of social media and smartphones just make it worse. I do work in the tech industry, so I have a closer lens on what's happening behind the scenes.

I would highly recommend everyone to watch The Social Dilemma documentary on Netflix. It's 6 years old and things have moved on a lot since then thanks to AI, but the underlying concept of how these tech giants think and work hasn't changed.

These are my rules as well. I have also said they are not allowed any games at all on their phone so basically all they have is WhatsApp which can be checked any time by an adult and that sent messages aren’t to be deleted and no sending photos.

It all depends on what your child will have on there, tbh. We got ours a phone when she started secondary last year, because school bus passes are on the phone, and most of the school homework is set on apps. There is zero social media on there, and just old school text messaging. The phone never goes upstairs either so late-night phone use isn't a thing. School have pouches that phones must be locked into during the school day, so they're not a problem there. DH was very reluctant to get her a phone, but he's been pleasantly surprised by how useful it has been, and the total absence of phone-related drama.

We have approximately these rules too, it's made it very simple.

I’ve been told by my younger brother and nieces and nephews (in their early 20’s and youngest 15) that she will be excluded a lot if she doesn’t have a smart phone as party invites and meet-ups will be set up via group chats and people don’t text message anymore or call so she will miss out on lots of social things. I’m worried about her missing out as I had a very strict mum growing up and it’s definitely affected my self esteem and confidence as I wasn’t allowed to socialise or go anywhere. The secondary school she’s going to is in the next town over and has a huge catchment also where we live in quite remote so she won’t be able to just catch a bus or walk either friends she will have to be dropped off and picked up

My DD is going into year 8 now and we didn’t get her a smartphone for secondary. She has a dumb phone. She moans about it a lot but it’s been fine. Lots of her friends either don’t have smartphones or have one with very restricted access - things have changed a lot compared to even 3-5 years ago with the growth of the smartphone free childhood movement - so I’m not sure I’d go by what a 20 something or even 15 year old is saying. She hasn’t been as left out as I feared because lots of them aren’t on WhatsApp so there’s not so much big WhatsApp group socialising.
we live in a different part of our medium sized city to lots of her friends and she gets a public bus by herself to school - she uses a kids pre payed bank card to pay. I don’t track her (but you can get air tags or similar for this if you want to). It’s been fine. I’m glad I’ve held out. Heard tonnes of horror stories from friends/other parent and the evidence of harm is really building. When she socialises with her friends they aren’t all on their phones like some teenagers I see which I like. I am hoping to hold out till year 9 for a smartphone and even then will be very restricted. Can you scope out where other parents with kids going to the same school are at on this? Even one or two friends in the same boat can make it much easier to cope with? Do any feeder schools have active smartphone free childhood groups for instance?

My son will be in year 8 in September and doesn't have a smartphone yet. We got him a brick when he started secondary and it has been very useful for staying in touch, him telling me his plans etc. He keeps in touch with friends via email, texts or calls. He has made friends and although the majority have smartphones, there are some that don't and some that don't have any kind of phone.

Do you feel he’s missing out? Is there any meet-ups happening via WhatsApp that he’s been made aware of?

I don't feel he is missing out and I just asked him if he thinks he misses out on meeting people because he doesn't have WhatsApp and he said no.

Mine is the same age and stage. And has a brick phone and a cheapie smartphone. There's absolutely no social media apps including WhatsApp or YouTube which has been uninstalled. DC can use YouTube in a limited way and only for educational purposes and only on their laptop or tablet. (Coding, soldering and pc building videos mainly)

Normal texts and calls only..DC is able to and is allowed to swap out the SIM as needed.

Brick phone for being out and about and school. Smartphone for home use. No exceptions.

Never allowed to use phone in private at this stage. And it's kept downstairs with all over devices unless in our workshop and again there's always an adult present.

We can and do check texts and history often for all devices.

DC has a special interest in tech and uses certain programmes for educational development and tech development. DC is incredibly gifted in programming and coding. Which scares the shit out of me so everything is locked down, including WiFi access.

When friends come over any devices that are brought over are kept downstairs and if they want to use tech they can use a console.

I don't care if other parents think I'm upright about it. My house, my child, my rules. It's in their best interests long term. I'd rather know I was actively safeguarding them and their mates.

mine is 13, if I could go back to when I give it her at 11 I’d slap myself, I regret it.
it consumes them, even with checks my daughter has lied about things on there, all her friends speak terribly over text, they are obsessed with phones, I feel like my lovely child turned into a stranger with hers, now she has 2 hours a week with heavy w

Mine got a very locked down smartphone aged 13.5. It does have WhatsApp and music but that is it and he has to ask me before joining any WA groups. He has max 1.5 hours on it per day.

Honestly even that set up is causing problems. His friends constantly send him memes and I feel someone of the content is iffy. He feels pressure to check his phone a lot in case he misses out. He joined lots of "channels" on WhatsApp with a constant stream of silly dopamine content and videos. He does arrange to meet friends on his phone but tbh he did this fine before he got it in y7 / half of y8. He runs out of time and asks for more, gets annoyed when I say no causing friction. He often uses the full 1.5 hours - time he could spend playing, learning, creating, doing something more interesting. That's 45 hours a month.

I would like him to enjoy his whole childhood smartphone free. I am reducing the time on WA to 30 mins max and made him delete all the channels he was following. I have said I might delete WA from it but he is really worried what he might miss out on now. It was easier before he had a phone.

Things have changed since your brother and nieces and nephews started secondary. At least in our area, there’s been a huge backlash in the last couple of years as parents have realised the damage that smartphones are doing. My DD has just finished Year 6 and none of her friends have a smartphone. They will all get basic brick phones for secondary. I’m amazed and relieved how much it’s changed - just a few years ago every child by summer term of Y6 had a smartphone.

So I’d stick to your guns, OP. You can always get her a smartphone later but it will be hard to take it away if you get it now.

My 12 yo has a brick phone and locked down iPad.

The brick phone is useful for giving her a bit of freedom - she can go into town and call us if she wants collecting, or we can leave her home alone (we don’t have a house phone). On the iPad she can play games like Minecraft, use Spotify and Netflix, and send messages to friends. She doesn’t have any social media on there (tbf she hasn’t asked for it).

This combo is working well for us.

Our 11 yr old's new school has banned smart phones and they'll be confiscated if seen. So they're getting a brick phone for texting and calling mates and us. Brick phones are apparently very in at the moment. Who knew 🤷‍♀️

OP, on the Android-or-iPhone question: I'd stop treating it as the decision. Either one can be locked down properly for an 11-year-old, and the difference is only where the controls live. On an iPhone they're inside your own Settings app, under Screen Time > Family. On Android they're in the Family Link app on your phone, which is the bit others have described upthread (the bedtimes, the download approval). Pick whichever phone you're most comfortable being the parent of, because you'll be the one opening those screens every month.

What nobody writes down is the order, and it's the order that decides whether the bedtime actually holds.

iPhone: (1) set the Screen Time passcode yourself before the phone goes back to them, four digits they can't guess; Apple says it's a separate code from the one that unlocks the phone, so turn on Passcode Recovery in the same minute; (2) Content & Privacy Restrictions > iTunes & App Store Purchases > Deleting Apps > Don't Allow, so an app can't just be deleted and reinstalled; (3) test it on their phone, not yours: try to open something you've blocked. If it opens, the setting is on paper only.

Android: do every rule from your own phone in Family Link first, then turn off Developer Options and USB debugging on the child's phone, and check monthly that they're still off.

Two UK-specific things. Your network's 18+ content lock is a separate, free layer under the phone settings; on EE it's free and already on, and turning adult content back on needs a credit-card age check, so leave it alone. And Apple's own pages say age settings vary by country and one approval screen only exists on iOS 26, so write down the exact iOS version and the account country before following any guide, including this one.

Neither Screen Time nor Family Link reaches inside YouTube, Snapchat, Instagram or Roblox: each has its own controls and has to be done separately. And put a ten-minute recheck in the diary once a month; settings can quietly change after an update.

Full disclosure: I write parent guides for a living and one of them covers exactly this, but everything above is in Apple's, Google's and EE's own help pages, which is where I got it.