AIBU to Just Say No to trips?

[FeFiFoFumretiree]

Firstly, I do know I am very fortunate to have family and friends and time on my hands & sufficient funds to pay for them.

My issue is an odd one, it's that people want me to go on mini breaks (abroad) with them, and I just don't want to! I don't really mind the occasional trip but because I have at least 4 separate groups of friends asking, I just find it all too much. The agreeing where and when to go, sleeping arrangements, where to eat, it's endless. Then, when there, having to be 'on' and social and flexible 24hrs a day. It's just not for me. 1 night is enough. Well, 1 day is enough for me really.

The trouble is people are offended when I say no. I have one person I know I have upset by saying no, they feel rejected, another group are pressuring to book a trip for one friends big birthday. If I agreed to that (which I don't want to do), I know a consequence is that the first person will be even more offended that I have arranged that yet declined them so it all spirals.

I should add that I am not averse to travel generally, I go on a lot of holidays with DH, which I feel completely differently about. It is easy and relaxing to travel with him. One potential travel mate once said I shouldn't decline travel with others because DH might not be around forever and I would then regret not having other people to travel with. Does that make sense to anyone or is that a warped reason to do something you don't want to?

I am a strong person usually but how on earth do I get out of this, without upsetting everyone? Or should I agree and spend lots of time and money doing stuff I don't want to? (To avoid my friends n family concluding I dislike them which is their assumption).

YABU: stop being a cow and go away with your friends, you will be sad and lonely in your old age with your attitude
YANBU: it's ok to be a bit antisocial and say No to overseas holidays

I think it would be easier all round if you said no to all trips abroad. Saying yes to one and no to another, as you say, will without doubt cause hurt. I use a very easy get out clause-‘You know I don’t socialise’ which you could modify to ‘I don’t do trips except with DH’. You’ll find that you can just keep repeating this and eventually people say it back to you and stop asking.

"One potential travel mate once said I shouldn't decline travel with others because DH might not be around forever and I would then regret not having other people to travel with. Does that make sense to anyone or is that a warped reason to do something you don't want to?"

This makes perfect sense to me but you may feel that if you didn't have DH, you wouldn't want to travel with anyone else.

You could always agree to a trip but say in advance that you'd like to spend some of the time on your own.

You're not antisocial. You just don't like traveling abroad with large groups. That's fine as a preference. It's also fine to want to do it once a year but not more.

If your DH dies, you can find people to travel with then. Or travel alone! Do people really "keep warm" travel companions just in case their partner dies? Most people don't have the money for the multiple holidays a year this would involve.

I would phrase the response as: "Thanks so much for thinking to include me. I won't be able to join this trip for X's birthday but I hope you all have a great time." I think your problem is that you think you need to give a (good enough) reason to decline. You don't. You just decline politely and let people feel what they feel and continue being a good friend. You show that you're not antisocial by continuing to extend invitations and join the activities you do enjoy.

I think you should say yes to the trips you want to go on and no to those you don’t.

You might lose some friends this way but you have to ask if they were real friends in the first place.

The idea of spending money, time and annual leave on a trip that you don’t want to do is absolute madness?

Politely say no

one of the ways I manage the time commitment is we agreed to one weekend a year. Fri-Sun, third weekend of November, for example. Other group is a weekend early in the year. set weekend.

because we know this, it means diaries can be planned in advance and money saved up.

we tend to just do England as we mostly have young kids at home and other costs but we always know what we want - 3 bedroom, sleeps 6 air BnB in X town or surrounding area for example so work together to find something.

however, I don't feel like I have to act in front of people, they're totally separate groups so have no idea if I've been away with them and I genuinely value that time alone with them.

also, this

Just say no sorry I won’t be able to join you every time you are asked to something you don’t want to do, and go to the ones you do want to. Absolutely daft to spend time and money on things you’re not bothered about. You don’t need to explain just politely say no. When you do go I don’t know why you need to be ‘on’ all the time, it’s a trip you’ve paid for so do what you want. When I travel with anyone I say no if it’s something that doesn’t interest me, I make it clear I like to head back to the room on my own in the afternoon to read and nap.

Agreeing one specific weekend a year is what one group have done, the one currently pressuring. But there are 4 different groups and I don't want to do 4 weekends away. We all have different views on what we want too, it's a ball ache from the off. I am fussy apparently because I want a bed of my own, that is a big ask it seems. (Of course I have no issue paying for it too).

I do join in other activities and days out and enjoy them. It's the overseas trips that I find a headache and just saying No doesn't stop the pressure.

I do think it might be easier if I just did zero, I think people might be more accepting of that.

I just tell people that I can't afford it. It ends the conversation right there, every time.

Not an option for me unfortunately (or fortunately!).

You specifically mention abroad - do you feel the same about the UK? Is it overnights in general?

I suggested an overnight in the UK to the group, thinking it would be less stressful, but it was shut down immediately, one of the other group members said they needed some winter sun. I have done, and still do overnights in the UK. It's the multi day trips that get too much.

Maybe you need to volunteer your time elsewhere so you're not as available?