AIBU to cut back overnight stays when ex is unwell?

[PinkNeonSign]

I’m recently divorced, 2 DC, ages 9 and 11, they’re mainly with me and during term time, they stay with their dad one night per week and alternate weekends. They typically stay with him a bit more during school holidays owing to working patterns, maybe 2-3 nights through the week.

ExH is often sick with a variety of ill defined ailments, I usually take it with a pinch of salt as he typically seems to make a quick recovery when it may interfere with one of his hobbies which involves strenuous exercise. However, this time, when the kids are there, he seems to be struggling to do anything with them and is essentially lying on the sofa while they fetch and carry for him. They were miserable when I collected them last week. I know he’s their dad and they’ll want to see him but I think I’m going to have to rearrange my work and keep them with me more and perhaps only send them for one night, would that be unreasonable?

We don’t have any court mandated arrangements for the kids and it’s nothing to do with money, I don’t take anything from him for the kid’s upkeep and never will.

Sounds like a good plan for the kids well-being! Spending their holidays looking after their dad is shite! Do you think he’s doing it to get out of having them?

No that sounds fair to me if it’s what the kids want. Weird you won’t ever claim maintenance though

@PinkNeonSign "essentially lying on the sofa while they fetch and carry for him" because he was ill, or just not bothered with the children?

If it's not court ordered, the children are old enough to decide, don't you think?

That obviously, would impact your work schedule and possibly finances though.

What do your children want?

If they don’t mind visiting their dad I’d let them go.

But it sounds like they didn’t enjoy it and would prefer to stay with you - so if you can arrange it I’m sure they’ll be grateful!

Thanks @Loulou4022 I’m not sure, I think he genuinely believes he’s ill, maybe he is 🤷‍♀️

Yeah, I know, it’s just you can’t get blood out of a stone! I think I’d get very little and then he’ll get nasty and think he can dictate play because he’s ’giving me money’.

At 9 and 11 they can make their own decisions in this situation. If he was abusive I'd think you should take the lead but them having to fetch him things because he's poorly isn't a big deal.

They’re good as gold and understand I have to work, I can probably just about manage with support from holiday club and relatives for a few weeks over summer.

I won’t stop them from seeing him, just reduce it a bit I think.

Only if it’s what the kids want though. Why do you think he’ll be ill all summer?

Have you spoken to him about this?
Or have the kids not said anything to him directly?

I think you are right in that it's not really on for him to mope around on the sofa when they are there if this is a frequent occurrence. However is he likely to think it's you causing trouble if you say anything. I am not sure how it's best you raise it with him. Would asking him in a being kind way work 'the kids said you weren't well this weekend and that they were looking after you a lot, I know you have been ill a lot lately so would it help if you had the children less this summer?'

He seems to be doubling down this time, he was off sick from work for a few weeks before the end of term. I think he’s trying to make a claim for benefits so I expect it’s something he believes to be long term. Sorry that sounds a bit wooly, that’s cause it is.

Yeah, I’d make it all about him and how ill he is.