Addicted to doing jobs

[wanderingwillows]

It’s 6.45am, I’ve had a bad night with the baby and yet here I am doing bits of jobs round the house because I can’t sleep anymore (know baby will be up any minute). It’s the story of my life - everyone else relaxing while I spend every spare minute cleaning/tidying/organising to some extent. I feel like I have to because I otherwise won’t get the time to, and despite reasonably constant efforts feel like the house is always a bit of a mess or there’s always something to do.

Is it just me?! AIBU spending most of my spare time cleaning/tidying or is this what most mums do? I sort of hate it but equally it’s my own fault that I can’t relax I guess…

Sounds like stress and anxiety. You are headed for burn out. I found mindfulness apps like Calm helped ease me into being able to relax.

Maybe the organised mum method would help? Then you would have a certain room every day, a load of washing and then that's done. So it would limit your cleaning.

Seems more likely your DP isn’t doing his fair share of domestic work?

I think it's important to be able to switch off and relax sometimes - it sounds to me like you don't do this enough. Put yourself first sometimes OP.

If you do it all now it will become an expectation later in life. Make sure DP/DH does their share, even if it’s not up to your standards.

I'm very much like the Op, I never really equated it to stress and aniexty, but now I realise it probably is.

Up to recently this was me.

I am still trying to manage the need to be constantly ‘busy’ and ‘scheduled’ but the following are things I changed that helped. Granted I have teens so things are different

• Stopped doing DH washing. He got his own laundry basket and this reduced my workload in this area considerably.
• Bought lots of baskets and ‘stuff’ belonging to people goes into their basket and put upstairs
• Got the kids sorting the laundry.
• Scheduled in my reading/tv time. It had to be evening though. In the morning, I just naturally want to be productive.

My DM is in her mid 80s and is STILL like this. When I was growing up, she and my dad worked full time and spent all weekend and every evening doing chores - I don’t know how they did it. . Now, she says things like “all I went to do is sit in the living room this afternoon with my book and relax but that would be really bad.” I feel sad for her that she doesn’t allow herself to relax. On the other hand. I do think it has helped to keep her in good physical health. I have ADHD and I’m pretty sure my DM does too. I find it very unrelaxing when I stay with her because she has such a constant drive to ‘get things done’. I also think her mind is so full of busywork that she never stops to think and reflect. I think her mental health would be much better if she took a few pauses each day. I also think she would be a nicer person. She blurts out some really rude things which I think she doesn’t really mean but because she never pauses, she doesn’t spent a lot of time thinking about life.

So pausing to reflect now and again is good for you. Moving around a lot is also good for you. I hope it is not as PPs are suggesting that you have an unfair burden, which is definitely not good.

One of my regrets from my 1st born is that this was my life. It’s my overriding memory, and it rips my guts out.
I had undiagnosed PND I now understand.

I had a non sleeping baby who did not sleep
for more than 1-2 hours day and night. I don’t know how I survived.
Jobs that “had” to be done ate up all my time when not breast feeding this high needs child.

I do know where it came from though. I deeply deeply regret not getting help and not putting an end to it because I felt no joy with my precious first baby. None.

I get it, OP.

It's easy to say you need to switch off/ relax/ put yourself first, but actually, if you do then there will only be more and more jobs piling up to do later, and it will mess up the rest of your day because things won't be done.

So 'relaxing' isn't actually relaxing at all.

You get to a point where doing jobs actually makes you feel better because at least then it's ticked off.

Do you have a partner? Are they pulling their weight too?

I think it’s most mums but it doesn’t really mean it’s ok and means that by 7 in the evening our body is praying there’s not long left until bed!!! I think that’s why there’s so much pressure on holidays to be amazing, if you’re not at home you’re hoping it means nothing to do!!

My mum was like this and still is in her 70s. She was alwyas, always doing jobs and massively resented it at the same time. Home was so stressful when she was there, I used to dread her coming home early from work. She would not sit down for a film or even dinner. At some point, it just seems fake. She was so angry about it too. She would exhaust herself as if it's some badge of honour.

Sort out your anxiety, it's actually not nice for anyone to live around someone like that.

So what is stopping you from ceasing to continue with this behaviour? Do you feel it’s becoming part of your personality? Are you enjoying the martyrdom?

Spend some time reflecting honestly on how you got into this position and whether you do actually want to change it or not.

Agree with the above- try and stay in bed, pick up a magazine when you can. Get what needs to be done done but let some stuff go and prioritise rest or fun!!

Everything has to be pathologised, doesn’t it? PND, ADHD, even ‘martyrdom’! No doubt someone will be along in a moment to diagnose you with autism.

We’re all different, I’m quite lazy and would love to have the motivation to be a bit busier.

Maybe you just have a lot of energy that needs using up? Perhaps, if it’s practical, use up some of that energy on long walks with the buggy. Being out of the house will hopefully stop you worrying about the tidying up.

When you have a baby that could be awake at any moment you try to do as much as you can because even if you sat down to relax you’re probably thinking there’s more productive things I could be doing with my time whilst baby is sleeping. At least that’s how it felt for me. I’m naturally someone who doesn’t really ever sit down, I’m always pottering doing something but I have very small children and me and my husband both work full time so we don’t have much time to squeeze in housework etc. but I also say to my self, “you can’t do it all, and today you’ve done enough” then make a cuppa and sit down