AIBU to think that if DS is at "that stage" he can stay home

[Puddlewoman]

We are not having a holiday this summer we went away at Easter we will however do daytrips.

I have adult DC older teen DC and younger teen DC. In my experience they all get to a stage where they are arseholes when they come out with you. I'm not being mean they just they go through a bit of a selfish stage where everything that isn't completely about their wants results in them getting a bit miserable and making everyone else miserable as well.

AIBU to think that youngest DS who is at this stage and has spoiled the last couple of trips out, and the trip away at Easter tbh, can stay home. He doesn't need babysitting but an older sibling who is in all day of her own accord that day will be around if emergencies occur.
Heres the kicker though DS will want to come if his older brother is going, his older brother is firmly out of "the stage" and loves a wonder round new attractions, museums, shops, going out for lunch etc standard day trip stuff and we would have to say actually no you can't come with you spoil it for everyone else. Whilst that probably does need saying I can't help but think of him stuck at home feeling left out and sad because nobody wanted him to come.

I also do try to keep cheering him along when we do go out and have a word when we get home about his attitude but it goes in one ear and out the other at the moment. I know based on the others that all went through it that it is just a waiting game. We are lucky as this is the only negative thing we have in regards his behaviour

I don’t think it would be a good idea to just exclude him, that’s not going to help improve his behaviour. If he knows what you’re doing and still wants to come then you might just have to accept that he is going to be annoying at least some of the time and ignore it. But I would lay ground rules and expectations before you go. Also do you ever do anything that is just for him / what he enjoys and maybe you don’t? It sounds like you have big age gaps and that possibly plays into it. Could you arrange a day out somewhere he really wants to go eg a theme park , if he still plays up then I would stop the day trips for a while.

If you behave lke a grumpy arse whilst doing the bit that everyone else wants to do then we won't do the bit you want to do and will come straight home and I won't take you next time. Then stick to it. Teens are like large and smelly toddlers half the time!

This is funny my dd17 can b like this on hols but this year when dh said sure next year you'll prob be doing your own thing anyway, she got the huff saying how she wasn't 'wanted' & we can't wait to be rid of her -youcan't win!! Lol.

I have 4 kids now aged between 19 and 29 and none of them have been through the stage of not wanting to go on holiday and never grumped.
For day trips, whoever wanted to come, came, and whoever didn't want to come to stayed at home. A 13 year old doesn't need daytime babysitting!!
I don't really understand your dilemma?

Tell him straight
You arent coming because you're a misery guts. A few times missing out on things and he will get the message

Surely you tell everyone what you're planning, ask if they want to come and proceed accordingly. Don't make it more complicated than it is. He has a choice and if he regrets his decision so be it.

I was brought up that you have to be social the whole way, including on trains / cars etc. Mine enjoy a day trip but tbh we all just want to be left alone while travelling. In the car the front passenger chats with the driver but unless we actually have something to say everyone else is free to zone out listening to their own music. I had to let go of some internalised rules but even I prefer it now!

Perhaps leave him home once, so he knows what it’s like. It might be the wake up call he needs to behave himself when he 'is' out with you, without making it miserable for everyone else.

I feel your pain OP. I remember my then 12 yr old DC wrecking a trip to the Muse d’Orsay because they were unhappy about eating sandwiches in a cafe for lunch. I remember thinking it just wasn’t worth going round museums and art galleries. Fast forward a few years and they remember that museum trip as truly magical. Now they love cultural days out. Try to set expectations before you go. Try to mitigate the effects of the grumpiness. But don’t leave him at home if he wants to come. Who knows what the trip could spark on him.

Have a talk with him first, tell him he's dragging you down and spoiling things when he's grumpy. He'll soon be old enough to go away with friends, these might be the last holidays you have with him, try and turn it around.

If I stopped taking one DC like this for being difficult he wouldn't have gone anywhere!

Behind the drama, in time he will look back amd appreciate the memories. Hard for is as parents but important for them to experience no matter how disinterested they may seem.

Also maybe try to include sth he could enjoy. Xx

When he was younger, did he have to put up with older siblings being arseholes on day trips or did you leave them behind so he could have fun?

If this isn't a consequence any of the others had to suffer I think it's a bit unfair to make him the one who get's penalized. I get that after 2 of them you've a) learnt from experience and b) used up patience for it, but it still seems pretty unfair.

If you're going to do it, then agree with PP that setting expectations and making the consequence clear in advance and giving him a chance on the first trip is the way to go.

Agree. OP, you’re not responsible for your children’s entertainment. Just do what you want to do and say “for anyone that wants to come, you’re welcome to”.
Mine are 15 and 17 and have been doing their own thing for years, they never want to come anywhere with us 😁

I would spend 1:1 time with them rather than risk younger DS spoiling things for siblings.

That way, you and older one get to have fun together, and if younger is a misery then you can say that the trip is over and go home.

Why does a holiday have to be cheap, boring and joyless? We go to places that have things for everyone, Maldives for example, can lie around on the beach, go diving, hang out with other kids. Sri Lanka same with days out if you want to. Even if staying in a caravan in Margate, surely people can all do what they enjoy, rather than enforced grandparent type days. No wonder he doesnt enjoy family time. Amd at his stage, he isnt supposed to want to do those things, he is the normal one.

This. I think PP missed the point

Oh well, this is where everyone goes wrong. We need to magic up the money to jet off to the Maldives or Sri Lanka and all will be well 🤣.
You may have missed the bit where OP said they ...do something for everyone theres 4 of us so there will be an activity based on what he would like, escape room mini golf etc... so it doesn't sound like he's forever forced to sit on the rainy promenade at Margate with an ice cream and a looming existential crisis.

I've always taken both of my children on outings if they wanted to come🤷🏼‍♀️ I think it's part of being a parent.

Tell him he has one chance to show he can act human and stick to it.

If he wants to come you should take him but have the conversation first. Tell.l him what you plan to do and that there has to be give and take but you won't tolerate him moaning or whining all day.
It's unfair not to let him go if he wants to go because you think he is going to behave in a certain way when he hasn't actually had the chance to show he might not behave that way