Aibu to get getting so upset about the group chat

[Sam1000]

My daughter is 10. She recently changed schools. She had a friend there she knew so a nice start. The first month went well but now the friends original ‘best friend’ doesn’t like my daughter and is making it known. I imagine she probably feels a bit threatened by a new friend coming in.
They have a kiddie friendly group chat which her class use so I let her join in the hope of fostering friendships but it seems this girl is using it to be very subtly mean to my daughter. Taking her out of group chats, snipping at her, etc.
it’s really bothering me, and I know it’s part of this age group, but the first month at the new school went so well I had high hopes and I feel really disappointed. My daughter doesn’t seem massively worried.
I wish these chats didn’t bother me so much but I’m finding myself checking it often.
Im torn between deleting the app and that’s the end of it, but worry this will isolate my daughter more, especially if this other girl is on there bad mouthing her. I don’t want her new friendships to be soured in her absence.

Ask your daughter how she feels and listen. If she wants to stay on I would respect her view at this stage but keep it up for review. If she’s happy to leave then it’s an easy decision to delete it. These kind of group chats are a lot for a 10 year old to navigate which is why a lot of parents choose to introduce this kind of thing much later.

Whatever you do don’t plague your dd with your own anxieties about the group chat if she is not anxious about it herself. This is about her.

Thanks. You make a good point about not plaguing her with my own worries. She doesn’t seem too fussed but I worry that she isn’t used to negotiating a group chat and the others are. She seems to have done or said ‘the wrong thing’ a couple of times and been told off. Tiny silly things, but it has got me feeling nervous for her. The group is more established and she’s coming in new and niave.

I would make the school aware. It is a form of bullying.

If it escalates I definitely will

I guess it that I’m worrying about. Girls can be so mean to each other.

Is this on mobile phones? No 10 year old needs to be on group chats.

If your DD doesn’t seem that worried about it then good for her. That’s an excellent response to this kind of social dynamic. I would keep an eye on it but stay out of it unless she speaks to you directly about it

Why are you allowing a still young child in a group chat?

We all make mistakes as parents but one thing I wish I had never done was make friendship issues worse by showing my own strong reactions to them, or intervening.

Don't let her see how upset it makes you. It's brilliant that she doesn;t seem too upset.

When there is a natural and subtle opportunity, reinforce good habits of self-compassion by reminding her that we can choose not to give our time and attention to anyone who is mean to us, and can instead, spend more time with people who are kind and fun. You might just see who seems nice on the group chat and ask about those children, seek a connection - shared interest or hobby, and encourage that friendship to develop too. It's helpful not to get too deeply attached to one person at that age.

her new class are all on it and I was hoping it would help her integrate, which initially it did.

There are no kid friendly group chats. This is standard behaviour. The friend is threatened so is putting your daughter in he place (as she sees it) some 10 year old grow out of this and some don't the point is the nasty ones have a platform and the others are not yet ready to navigate it in the right way.... exactly why 10 year old shouldn't be on group chats.

Delete the app. 10 year olds are too young for it, particularly when it's being used in this way.

Your daughter may be mainly unaware now, but it's only a matter of time before she isn't. At 10 years old.

That’s the conclusion im
coming too. I deleted the app today but then I worry she will be drifting away from these very early friendships. Also is this girl bad mouthing her, I dunno my imagination may be running away with me.

I wouldn’t delete the app if the entire class is on there except for her. Make sure it doesn’t escalate. If it does I’d ask the parents if they check the group and what they think should be done.

It’s so hard to know what to do for the best. Negotiating the dynamics of a new class and not knowing any of the parents.

She isn't going to be ostracised because she isn't in the group chat. She certainly isn't going to be better off by being in a group chat and getting picked on.

Im really surprised actually that a whole class full of children are being allowed to use one tbh, I thought at least some parents would not be comfortable. My youngest is 18 now though, so maybe I'm out of touch 😳

With the app at least you have some control of what is happening. Now you have none and they know they can say whatever so it might even escalate it.

It is very difficult.

Never heard of a group chat for ten year olds. My kids and their friends managed perfectly well without it. Sounds awful. Well done for deleting it.

It's very "Toy Story 5!" I'd encourage her to widen friendships a bit beyond the one girl she already knows, are there any after school clubs she can join? This will reduce the threat level as the mean girl is obviously feeling pushed out and has, unfortunately, been given access to an age inappropriate way to communicate this. If they are in the same "gang," at school, you should include her and invite her round. It sounds early enough that DD hasn't noticed, so you can nip the ill feeling in the bud.

Is this on phones and a WA group? Or is it on the schools Teams discussion board. If the former, it won't be the whole class, it's v young for a phone, if its Teams, the teacher will be able to see it and deal with the behaviour.

Unless it’s something truly outrageous/despicable, I’d try not to interfere too much. Check with with DD and maybe try to guide her a bit.

I’ve only had that issue twice and only one was really disturbing. I blocked her and explained to DD why and they were also not allowed play dates anymore. I still think about her every now and then because she was so unhinged for a child and wonder what she’s like as an adult.

App is deleted now so that's done. Good.

Encourage face to face meet ups play dates (that phrase sounds a bit young but you know what I mean).

At 10 they need real friendships we shouldn't be giving any space to mean girl online behaviour which is only likely to get worse as this girl gets older.

X

I’m not sure how to make real life catch ups happen as we are new and age doesn’t know anyone very well yet, I don’t know the parents, etc. the app seemed the easiest way to say “anyone coming to the park”

I’m shocked at 10yo this is even a thing. I have a 10yo and any play dates or meet-ups happen through parents!
absolutely absurd that a bunch of very young children have access to this and it’s all allowed by school and parents - exactly where all this bullying nonsense starts.

It’s really different worlds on here. My 10yo is still dropped off and picked up and arrangements made through parents. This is absolutely everyone we know. In fact our school and secondary school has banned all these types of groups! In fact if anyones child has a phone, it’s a reflection of bad parenting where we are.

Does the class not have a WhatsApp group. We usually and have always done it this way. Your child mentions someone they would like a play date with , you contact the parents, parents drop them off and come in for a coffee so you at least know them a bit. And it’s usually reciprocated.

Seems to be the norm in this new class to have this child friendly chat group. We didn’t have it at the last school, so it’s new to me.