Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

[holiphant]

I have a close friend I met through my son's summer school. She has a boy and a girl and I have my 8yo. I'm close to stopping arranging anything with her, because 50% of the time we will arrange a play date (park, either of our houses, beach etc) and she will message 30 mins beforehand with 'I've asked the kids and they don't fancy it today so can we rearrange' or 'sorry the playstation is on and I don't want to drag them away as they are playing nicely together'

It is driving me nuts. I have never considered asking my son if he still wants the play date then cancelling when he says no, on the same day. Sometimes he will moan because he doesn't want to leave the house, but I tell him that's tough because we said we are going, and they always end up having a lovely time. I feel like it is just disrespectful of my time and then I have a bored and upset 8yo at home.

Is it normal and ok to give kids this much autonomy over this kind of thing? AIBU to find this irritating?

No, not normal. She's a selfish prick so stop arranging anything with her.

She’s a terrible friend, don’t go out of your way to make plans with her again.

I’d find this annoying too. I have a friend like this who seems totally at the mercy of her children’s whims. I’d just stop arranging stuff as it’s not fair on your child either to be constantly disappointed.

No that’s not normal imo! Very disrespectful of your time and I’d not be arranging anything else with them.

The thing is she isn't selfish in other ways. She'd pick me up at 3am if I asked her! Sometimes it will be a vague plan and she will only half arrange things by saying 'I might be able to do 2pm but will see how the kids are feeling' and again, that's just annoying (but at least I can say no at this point). Even if my son is having a massive tantrum over the play date, we still make every effort to go (he often can't see past his immediate task). It always ends fine!

I'll pretty much guarantee it's her who doesn't fancy it. Playing nicely on the play station? WTF?

That isn't normal. You shouldn't teach kids that it is ok to cancel something with no notice just because they don't fancy it.

Either she doesn't want to meet up at all and is using the kids as an excuse, (in which case she shouldn't agree to meet up in the first place), or she is choosing to cancel just because the kids don't fancy it!

Yeah and again, even if I don't fancy something or and shattered, I just pull my socks up and go because anything else feels rude. To me that's just life

Half the time it is her who has requested the playdate!

Really rude. She’s either using them as an excuse because she doesn’t want to/can’t be bothered to come or she’s unable to parent them. “Emily, Zach we’re meeting Holiphant and kids at X at 12 so make sure you get up early if you want any time on Xbox before we go”.
I think she’s using them as an excuse or has had a better (in her eyes) offer.

Do the kids actually like each other??

My ds7 is usually asking me every five minutes if he has a play date or I’m taking him out on his bike.

perhaps the kids behind the scene just don’t especially like your ds and vice versa!

Are your kids even friends with each other or are you just arranging these play dates so the adults can hang out?

It reads to me like her kids aren’t interested in playing with yours and so she tries to encourage them but they refuse and she doesn’t want the drama.

Just meet her on your own and leave the kids at home.

Stop making plans with her.

It’s so rude. It’s probably her that doesn’t want to come & she’s using the kids as an excuse . If not shes enabling their selfish behaviour. I’d be blunt and tell her that you’ll only commit if she promises not to bail on you last minute . I had a very good friend who did this often . I had a frank conversation with her about how disrespectful it is . I honestly believe that she thought it didn’t matter , and she no longer does it .

Stop agreeing - she is rude.

I used to have friends who were always badgering me to meet up but then were never available, turned up super late, and / or wanted me to do all the travelling every time. Some people just like to say "oh we must meet up" but really cannot be bothered with the reality. I have had to massively step back from these friends for a number of reasons but this was a big part of it. The fake "we miiiiiissss yoooooou. Must meet up. Love and hugs" but then never actually available or only available if it was made as easy as possible for them. Like you, I never suggested a meet up so 🤷‍♀️.

Yes, it's really rude.

If you're inclined to be very sympathetic, maybe she has some sort of social anxiety issue and whilst she wants to go when she arranges it, sometimes she just can't face it?

Yes, at the end of the play date it usually ends with 'mum when can they come round again' or 'can they pleeease come back to our house' from both sides. They get on really well. I think the kids are just given too much autonomy almost and when they are sat in front of the playstation and youtube, they of course are going to prefer the dopamine fix, in that moment. It may be an issue that she uses youtube a lot and I don't allow my son to have it so she has to say no to her kids, but that doesn't explain why she bails on outdoor playdates

I’d stop making plans or accepting invites. If she questions it I’d say the last minute cancellations aren’t working for you and it’s disappointing your dc.
I’m in camp if you have made plans or a commitment you go and it’s rude to flake out last minute.
There’s definitely a trend with parents picking and choosing at last minute and no expectation child will go if they suddenly don’t fancy it.
I was of the get your shoes on we are going they are expecting us and you’ll have fun when you are there. Obviously if they don’t have fun together stop arranging things. It’s rude just to flake out at the last minute.

Totally not fair to you or your kids
I had a friend like this ,I stopped arranging anything

YANBU it’s rude and not normal.

I would be telling her that you’re not going to make any other plans with her.

Its awful behaviour if she’s teaching her kids this.
However, it may not be her kids.
My friend is in a controlling relationship and would do exactly this because her DH would start an argument over it or guilt trip her into going out.
I also had a MH issue years ago, most days I would be fine but then something would trigger me and I wouldn’t be able to leave the home. I missed out on amazing things that I really wanted to do but ‘couldn’t help it’.

So I’d call her out over it but be gentle.

Sounds more like crap / lazy parenting on her part.
She's going to have a LOT of fun with her kids as they get older and get into teens because it will become a case of 'fuck off mum I'm not going to do xyz just 'cos you say so.' She'll roll over and give in for a quiet life. I know someone who has created a similar situation with their child.

' Sorry friend the meet up doesnt work for me as its difficult to manage last minute cancelations, however we will be going to the park, swimming pool, cinema at x time. Your welcome to tag along'.

Well she’s teaching her kids a great lesson there…..

Next time she suggests something I’d call her and say “look we want to see you guys but only if you are actually committing!”

I’ve always found it quite strange to give youngsters so much choice from a very early age………like asking an 18 month old “what they’d like to wear today” ……and then moaning because they took so long to choose, made everyone late, missed the bus, can’t go to the park now.
I think OP is right to carry on with arrangements even when DS says otherwise……an arrangement is just that, why disappoint others unnecessarily on a whim. The friend sounds shallow and gives in to her kids too. Personally OP, I’d make my own plans IIWY and enjoy time with DS.

Just stop agreeing to meet, it will only lead to disappointment, I have a friend who really wants to meet but when I give a day and time something always came up. I can't understand why but it's not worth trying to. I don't ever agree now, I just say yea! one day! actually she knows now it's water off a ducks back, I realy can't be bothered anymore