Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

[holiphant]

I have a close friend I met through my son's summer school. She has a boy and a girl and I have my 8yo. I'm close to stopping arranging anything with her, because 50% of the time we will arrange a play date (park, either of our houses, beach etc) and she will message 30 mins beforehand with 'I've asked the kids and they don't fancy it today so can we rearrange' or 'sorry the playstation is on and I don't want to drag them away as they are playing nicely together'

It is driving me nuts. I have never considered asking my son if he still wants the play date then cancelling when he says no, on the same day. Sometimes he will moan because he doesn't want to leave the house, but I tell him that's tough because we said we are going, and they always end up having a lovely time. I feel like it is just disrespectful of my time and then I have a bored and upset 8yo at home.

Is it normal and ok to give kids this much autonomy over this kind of thing? AIBU to find this irritating?

Definitely not on. Kids should not be in a position of dictating their parents' social life and as PPs have said, this is setting a bad precedent. They'll think everything revolves around what they want and they'll end up with no concept of compromise or just politely putting other people first sometimes.

Many years ago I worked in a call centre and could not hear the caller because of a very loud TV. When I asked politely if she could turn it down she refused because "my children are watching TV." I told her I was sorry but I couldn't continue with he call and terminated it. People can be unbelievably rude and thoughtless.

Do the kids not like each other? We had this problem, a mum arranged a playdate at the local park and ds10 didn’t really like her son - definitely didn’t want to go, forced him and he spent the entire time playing with other kids and ignoring her son. She asked again and I had to make excuses.

It is rude and very unfair on you guys OP. I think I would let her know that it upsets your child when she cancels. Maybe next time she suggests something, say you would love too but only if she's sure they can make it as the last few outings were cancelled and your son was disappointed. Might make her think differently.

Very rude behaviour

My friend's DH is a driving instructor, properly qualified, who had successfully helped the DC of several mutual friends to pass their test. As a favour to friends, he offered mates' rates. Added bonus for nervous teenagers of being taught by a familiar, trusted person. Until it came to "Emma". He drove all the way over to the family home, only to be told that "Emma" wasn't feeling very well, vague symptoms but not really up to it.....not even a call or message to prevent him setting off, and I suspect that "Emma" (and her DM by example) felt it was OK to flake because after all, it was only an arrangement between friends, Never mind that the slot could have been filled by a pupil paying the full fee.
DM was astonished when he suggested that it would be better for her to book lessons with a "proper" instructor and take it more seriously, at the full going rate, naturally.
A reputation for flakiness does nobody any good in the long run.

It's a new style of parenting, which makes the child the centre of the world. It can't be good for them long term.
I had some people to stay with their 4 year old. We live in a touristy area and I had loads of interesting trips planned. On Day 2 they took their child to the swimming pool. The child enjoyed it and that was it for their stay - they insisted on going swimming every day and the trips didn't happen.

I have a friend like this. i think it’s her interpretation of gentle parenting. i agree it’s annoying and rude!

Bin her off as she can't be bothered and she's using the kids as an excuse. She's probably on her phone instead of spending real time with real people.

TBH she might be a nice friend who’d pick you up at 3am etc, but some people are so focussed on their own children and what they say etc they can’t see their own behaviours

Children should always be important, but they also need to learn right from wrong

its easy. stop agreeing on playdates with her.

Sounds like when we go away with extended family, on our first trip the family with the youngest children (so harder to entertain, I do understand!) found the pool amazing, and now it is the only expectation of the entire group. So I suggested we go somewhere different next time, something that caters for all ages (children aged 2-17) and the response was there will have to be a pool, even though no one else likes swimming

Are her kids maybe neurodiverse? Mine are and it took me years to realise that once they were beyond the toddler stage I had to prep them for plans - letting them know at least a day in advance, talking them through what would happen, and letting them feel like they had a bit of control over the situation. For a couple of years I'd make the plans, announce them in the morning, they'd melt down and we'd either have to cancel or the day would be a mess. I wonder if a similar thing is going on here? I realised they needed lots of notice to be able to enjoy a day out with friends long before we realised they were neurodiverse by the way.

Wow. The next time she asked me I'd be honest and say look, it's unfair how you keep cancelling I don't think we should rearrange.

She obviously doesn't care about your or your son's feelings!

Not normal at all and a bad lesson to teach her kids, that it's ok to flake on arrangements made with friends for no good reason

Apart from the rudeness and unkindness to op and her son it’s really bad parenting.

One of the things I’m most proud of my two is they are really good friends to their friends. Now late teens they both have a longstanding group of lovely loyal friends. You don’t help your kids achieve this by modelling treating your own friends like this

That is so annoying, just say, 'you can pick the next date, as it always changes at the last minute'

We had similar with a lot of friends and family over the past few years for various reasons, it has got to the point now where we just tell our kids we are going out, and then when we have confirmation from the other party that they have set off, then we tell the kids. Just saves their disappointment.

Well that's lovely that she'd do a 3am pick up but I disagree that she's therefore "unselfish" - she is being selfish within the basic context of your relationship ie. play dates, meet ups etc. the things that your day to day relationship is actually about. It's extremely inconsiderate, literally, she simply isn't considering at all how her decisions affect you and your DS. That's not OK.

Show your son that it's not OK to do that by not accepting people doing it to you.

This very interesting Dsis is similar, her 14yo school refuses- I always thoight it was ND related but now I wonder....

Don’t bother asking again, Just make sure that when you take your kids out somewhere you send her pictures of them having a great time. with lots of # ### making great memories, enjoying the summer, a fabulous day out, tired but happy, such fun with my kids today, brilliant time today, making the most of the holidays, time goes so fast with kids - you have to seize every opportunity. 😁

Its the good old gentle parenting at its best. But just laziness really. I often wonder what will happen when today's kids have to work for a living and can't just say no.

I am friendly with a mum like this. We met through DC's activity. We had an arrangement to meet before said activity for the children to play together. She would also send me a message on the morning saying "DC doesn't feel like it today, we're not coming at all". I've stopped suggesting it now, as my DC was quite sad every time I had to say "sorry your friend isn't coming after all".
If I've arranged to meet someone, or promised DC and activity , I would only not go if we were ill/ the car wouldn't start.

This. Some people take child centered parenting way too far in my opinion and can't see the difference between a child's needs and a child's want.

I wonder if her kids are neurodiverse or anxious or don't like your kids tbh.

Some children refuse to do things at short notice because they were never keen - she might be covering it up pretending they are happy doing something

Cancelling a plan because the kids are happy on the playstation is beyond bizzarre.

I would just tell her straight - not sure why you wouldn't!

'jenny, my kid can't cope with last minute disappointment like this so totally understand if yours aren't keen but lets avoid plans involving the children for a while'