Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

[holiphant]

I have a close friend I met through my son's summer school. She has a boy and a girl and I have my 8yo. I'm close to stopping arranging anything with her, because 50% of the time we will arrange a play date (park, either of our houses, beach etc) and she will message 30 mins beforehand with 'I've asked the kids and they don't fancy it today so can we rearrange' or 'sorry the playstation is on and I don't want to drag them away as they are playing nicely together'

It is driving me nuts. I have never considered asking my son if he still wants the play date then cancelling when he says no, on the same day. Sometimes he will moan because he doesn't want to leave the house, but I tell him that's tough because we said we are going, and they always end up having a lovely time. I feel like it is just disrespectful of my time and then I have a bored and upset 8yo at home.

Is it normal and ok to give kids this much autonomy over this kind of thing? AIBU to find this irritating?

I know this is a mad concept but have you considered telling her how you feel?

Hi op look it this way if she really wanted to meet up she would make the kids go they have plenty of time for PlayStation so it’s her who doesn’t want to. next time she asks say what’s the point your kids are happier on there consoles and I hate having to tell ds the play date is cancelled again. Has he got other friends you can see. If not just take him out it’s her loss.

Wow some of the replies on here are crazy!! Of course it's rude and annoying, and if it annoys you and upsets your child then 100% stop arranging stuff with her. But I think it's perfectly OK to let children choose if they still want to go and if they REALLY don't want to go, cancel. They are small people after all and imagine being forced to do something you really don't want to!

I had a friend exactly like the one OP describes. She was a single mum - not that most single mums are like this, of course they're not! But in her case i do think it was part of the dynamic - her son got a say in everything. Anyhow, she would call off a play date at the last minute for reasons exactly like OP's examples. She only considered her side of things with zero thought to how it affected my son (and me). She did this with others as well.

I finally told her honestly how hurtful this was to my son who all morning would be looking forward to his friend coming only to be told 30 min in advance that it was called off. It made me feel a little better but made no real difference. She didn't suddenly say, OMG how self-centred I've been! We eventually drifted apart.....

You are depriving your child of an important life lesson: if you say you're going to show up to something, you show up. Unless there is a good reason not to.

She is a people pleaser, pleasing her kids first a foremost but she's not doing them any favours teaching them its OK to cancel things at the last minute without thinking of others. What about respect and her being in charge not them. This is NOT normal.

Oh yes I agree in general. And if it's happening all the time absolutely not ok - if the children never want to go then it's on that mum to stop organising playdates her children don't want to go on! Just thought all the responses have been a bit draconian, that's all. If they really don't want to go, I think the answer would be to work out why rather than force them repeatedly!

Do the same to her a couple of times and see if she gets the message how selfish and inconsiderate it is.

Do you get on one to one? It sounds as of she feels the meetups are for her kids benefit and she is not that bothered.

When she next arranges a meet up or play date I'd just say that sounds great but my kids get really upset when you keep cancelling at the last minute so unless you're happy to commit let's leave it.

This

I agree with not making play date plans with her in the future but, please, tell her why. She is rude and teaching her children to be rude.

I hate letting people down, so have raised my DC to respect others. If I say Im going to be somewhere then I will be there. Even if I don’t fancy it at that point (usually feel better once I get to the destination).

I would tell your friend how you feel. So rude!

Someone may have suggested this but could you frame it as concern. As in ‘I’ve noticed that you often cancel play dates last minute so I just wanted to check everythings okay with you all?’ Maybe there’s some social anxiety for her or the kids, maybe she’s got other stuff going on or perhaps she’s just a bit of a dick. By the sounds of it she’s not completely thoughtless. Perhaps she just hasn’t considered the impact on you and your plans.

If she sticks with her original reason then it gives you chance to say ‘I’m sure you’ll understand that it impacts on DS and he’s really disappointed and upset if he’s expecting to see friends and then the plans change at short notice. I end up having to support him with that. I’d really appreciate it if we only made plans if you’re pretty sure you’ll be able to make it, that way we can make other plans and not find ourselves at a loose end’

Sometimes I have to bail because my autistic/PDA child would be unbearable too dysregulated. It’s rare that we cancel altogether as generally I only make plans that I’m confident he’ll cope with but on the odd off day everything is unfathomably difficult or anxiety-inducing. It can be super hard to strike the balance between not overwhelming his nervous system and pushing him a tiny bit because we know he’ll get past the anxiety once he’s doing the thing.

I guess what I’m saying is there could be more to ‘the kids don’t fancy it’. Although the PlayStation thing just makes her sound flaky so potentially I’m bringing overly generous.

Yes this is really annoying - I had a friend who did this though our children were only 2 years old. She would cancel because her son 'was not feeling a bus journey today', or they went to the park and he didnt want to leave, or he didnt sleep well, or they'd had a busy day the day before, or her son just 'wanted a chill day'. It was very annoying. Luckily she moved away do I didn't have to deal with it as the kids got older and my son got more aware. It isnt fair to cancel - it ruins your own plans and you are left with disappointed kids who don't really understand why.

Have you tried sharing with her what you do and asking her to please try it because you don't like last minute cancellations.

I have an 8 and 5 yr old, maybe it's me 🤔 although I rarely cancel last minute. But if my kids dig their heels and beg not to go it turns into a mega meltdown especially my eldest and it firstly doesn't just end ok. He's also a big kid, there's absolutely no way to pick him up and make him do something he refuses to do, he's about 4 inches shorter than I am. My 5 yr old I can pick up and put in the car but if she doesn't want to go.somewhere she ragdolls on the floor and it's like carrying a 3 stone limp noodle.

I work almost full time, I don't get a huge amount of time with them, sometimes I just don't want to make a day miserable for us all.

Yep that's my eldest. I tried to take them to an art activity on Saturday. By about an hour in my 8 yr old was screaming, my 5 yr old has this recent very specific anxiety which I think is related to starting school soon but she really fixates on this random specific thing and she was in a state of enar terror over it. It's a club they normally love but it just wasn't possible that specific day

Not normal at all.
But not normal for you to tolerate this.
So rude.
So disrespectful.
Yet you accept it.
Focus on your self respect and self esteem.
People with these wouldn't tolerate this at all.
Think about what you are modelling to your son.

I don't think it's great parenting. Some may like the idea of children having autonomy, boundaries, not doing things they don't want to etc but I teach mine that if we have a commitment we stick to it. Maybe her kids don't want to hang out with yours anymore but if that's the case she needs to stop making plans.

Totally agree with this.

It’s simple, don’t fall out, no need to end the friendship etc but just have a stock answer of let’s not make plans until the day so we can see how we feel or make your own plan and be clear you are going whether or not she and her kids are there to attend. That would really irritate me tbh and I wouldn’t want to make plans with her, if you do, be clear in your mind she probably isn’t going to turn up or simply make plans with others.