Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

[holiphant]

I have a close friend I met through my son's summer school. She has a boy and a girl and I have my 8yo. I'm close to stopping arranging anything with her, because 50% of the time we will arrange a play date (park, either of our houses, beach etc) and she will message 30 mins beforehand with 'I've asked the kids and they don't fancy it today so can we rearrange' or 'sorry the playstation is on and I don't want to drag them away as they are playing nicely together'

It is driving me nuts. I have never considered asking my son if he still wants the play date then cancelling when he says no, on the same day. Sometimes he will moan because he doesn't want to leave the house, but I tell him that's tough because we said we are going, and they always end up having a lovely time. I feel like it is just disrespectful of my time and then I have a bored and upset 8yo at home.

Is it normal and ok to give kids this much autonomy over this kind of thing? AIBU to find this irritating?

Very rude and annoying. I hope your DC isn't feeling let down by their changes of plan too.
I would give up trying to arrange anything - if she asks again for a playdate spell it out to her why your saying no. She may get better?

I’d stop making plans. It’s selfish for her to repeatedly cancel at the last minute.

Good luck to her, she'll need it when they get to teenage years.

I find this a lot with clubs and workshops. Lots of people not turning up to booked sessions because their child doesn’t fancy it on the day. Perhaps I’m awful but I don’t care if my child fancies it on the day or not, if I’ve booked something either because she initially said she wanted to do it or because I know it’s something she’ll enjoy, then we’re going even if she moans getting ready to go.

I'd be annoyed too. You've arranged your day around the playdate, you could have done something else if you'd known she'd cancel.

I'd probably try to discuss it with her. "We'd only like to make plans if you will definitely come, excepting emergencies."

I had a friend who'd ask for play dates then ditch me when something better came along.

I hated disappointing my child but I liked her company kids got on so didn't wnat to lose freindship so only saw her at groups or as part of a larger group doing something - so was also always late so met her at locations - if she turned up great if not we still went and did the activity.

My first was very young at time - but not sure I'd have continued if they'd been older and upset even with my management - we moved away so I didn't have to make that choice.

I would dodge any future requests - you could try we'll be in park at x time if kids want to meet if you want route.

I'd give her one more chance but explain when you're arranging it that your son has been disappointed when he has been looking forward to a playdate ams they get cancelled at the last minute so please could she try and make sure it goes ahead

Or if she is clear that she can't commit 'might be able to do tomorrow afternoon, I'll see how the kids feel' I'd either make definite plans with someone else, and tell her, because you don't want to risk a day with no plans going ahead (just say that's fine we can set up another date when you know for definite that you can make it) , or if its the park then take your son anyway, tell him its just him and if they turn up its a bonus

This is one of the times when it is more polite to be direct. When she asks for a play date say something like “Dude, you cancelled at the last minute last time. If we arrange, it really needs to happen because my son ends up disappointed otherwise.”

Out of nosiness, how do you react when she cancels at the last minute? If you say “Oh that’s fine, I totally understand” then she may think it’s not a big deal. It is quite all right to say “Oh God, really? Susan asked to do something with us this afternoon but I put her off because we had plans with you”.

She's going to breed terrible flakey kids. Lots of times I don't feel like doing a prearranged thing right now. But you crack on and do it. And mostly have a nice time! It's important to push past that inertia and keep to plans, unless a leg has fallen off or something.

I'd say it's her who cba and she hasn't even asked the kids tbh. Rude and I wouldn't be rushing to fix anything else up.

Yeh that’s not on, sometimes you just have to get on and do things as you’ve made arrangements with others or because there is a need and as a parent you need to just tell them it’s the case.
its probably that the mum can’t be bothered but that’s not acceptable- shows she doesn’t value the time and feelings of others.
if this happened multiple times I wouldn’t bother making arrangements again.

Such a bad example to the kids. We have a saying in our house ‘Gobbies never flake’ - how are they gonna learn resilience if they can’t even see a play date through?

Me too -
always cancelling -
I concluded that she is lazy and when it came to moving her ass she just couldn’t be bothered
I stepped back
I don’t miss her

You have to manage her. 4 options I can see

1. explain why you aren’t accepting play dates - too disappointing.
2. don’t tell your child they are happening until they are on route as a nice surprise.
3. go somewhere that beats the PlayStations (trampoline park) even better if she has to pay in advance!
4. like option 2 but plan a park picnic and if she turns up bonus but you are your child still do something nice (but still don’t tell your child they might be there)

God how infuriating. Just gaily wasting your time isn't she?

Control yourself and stop arranging anything

But not if her kids said not to 😋

TELL HER!

”friend, this is the last time I’m asking you for a meet up, it’s beyond rude to bail last minute and frankly idiotic to let kids dictate what you have arranged to do with someone else”

Came on to say exactly this! She’s not only pissing you off and disappointing your kids, but is also teaching them the wrong lessons and her DCs will be known as the flaky ones when they are older that people don’t want to make plans with. Obviously not right to force them if there is a valid reason but hers are not.

If you / up or DCs have plenty of other people can plan stuff with then yes, a slow fading. I think however it’s better to have that one conversation with you in a diplomatic way and say ‘We love hanging out and doing things with you but tbh my DC (and I) have ended up having our plans cancelled by you the last 3 times and it means we end up doing nothing whereas I could have made other plans and I have to deal with their disappointment’

Then she has one last chance

Not normal or ok. Is she usually a permissive parent? It sounds like she's just trying to avoid the kids being unhappy, which isn't good for them or fair on you.

My DC are grown up now but similar happened when they were small. After a couple of times of the friend cancelling just before the playdate, she admitted that her DS wasn't keen on playing with my DS. So after that we met up as adults only from time to time. It was difficult for her to admit this and I was grateful for her honesty.

Totally rude.

She seems to see these plans as a casual option though not firm plans. In future I would just leave it casual too “me and kids off to park at 10 if you want to meet up” rather than plan your day around her

It’s very rude BUT I can also get this.

you have ONE. Very easy to manage. Some days my kids drain me and some days they truly enjoy playing with just each other.

I have a friend whose kid is same age as mine and she is very happy to leave him the entire day with us! It’s awkward as he will pester her in front of all of us and she is only to happy to leave him and ‘come back in a few hours’.

We made plans yesterday to go to the park and have a picnic. My kids woke up, decided it’s too hot and would rather play at home. I too just want to put on the least clothing and relax at home, do water play or something. I really don’t want anyone else’s kids around. I’m glad we didn’t make plans with anyone as well.

I do feel bad for my mum friend as she is asking on our group chat if anyone wants to do something or have her child over and it’s all quiet.

I would never cancel 30min before but also know that sometimes managing two or more kids gets quite tricky.

Not only would I not make arrangements with her in future, but if she asks why not (and maybe even if she doesn’t ask) I would say sorry but I’d rather not because it’s really upsetting for DS when you cancel at short notice. (If I Was feeling brave and didn’t mind risking upsetting her I might say he doesn’t understand it because I’ve always told him if he’s committed to doing something he has to go through with it unless there’s a really good reason not to.)

Incredibly disrespectful, I think I would have to say something to her about it.

It’s her normal and that’s all you need to understand. I’d be straight with her and say that her unreliability has become a pattern and that’s not fair on both you and your child.