Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

[holiphant]

I have a close friend I met through my son's summer school. She has a boy and a girl and I have my 8yo. I'm close to stopping arranging anything with her, because 50% of the time we will arrange a play date (park, either of our houses, beach etc) and she will message 30 mins beforehand with 'I've asked the kids and they don't fancy it today so can we rearrange' or 'sorry the playstation is on and I don't want to drag them away as they are playing nicely together'

It is driving me nuts. I have never considered asking my son if he still wants the play date then cancelling when he says no, on the same day. Sometimes he will moan because he doesn't want to leave the house, but I tell him that's tough because we said we are going, and they always end up having a lovely time. I feel like it is just disrespectful of my time and then I have a bored and upset 8yo at home.

Is it normal and ok to give kids this much autonomy over this kind of thing? AIBU to find this irritating?

Oh no that’s not good! And I say this as someone with sen kids.

That's really rude. If she'd help you in other ways like you said, then I'd imagine the reason is she can't stand up to her kids. She is in for a hellish ride through teenagerhood if that's the case!

Many of them will stay living with and being 'kept' by their parents a long, long way into adulthood. The wheels will fall off once the parents become of retirement age and can no longer afford this.

Your friend’s parenting approach is creating kids that are part of the reason why society is the way that it is. 😑

Yes, like others I would say that your kids are getting too disappointed and that it’s better to take a rain check for a while. Then wait for her to initiate something. You may wait for some time!!

Shes not a close friend.

That's a terrible thing to do to you. No wonder you've binned her off. And that's the world's worst excuse for not following through on her offer and commitment. Awful behaviour.

@holiphant I have a friend like this. It's got to the point where I don't even mention we're seeing them until the last minute - I'll just say we're going to the park or whatever and then when we're nearly there I'll go oh it looks like "Ben" and his mum are coming.

It's always a last minute "we're feeling really tired/"Ben" doesn't feel like coming out" etc or sometimes literally just "sorry we'll have do it another time"... We just go out anyway and then I inevitably get a text later on from her moaning that her son has just been on the PlayStation or tablet all afternoon 🤷

You should talk to her about it and ask her why this happens. I'd cover the following points:

1. There have been X occasions where we've arranged a play date and then on the day you've said your children don't fancy it.
2. My child feels really disappointed when this happens.
3. I sometimes turn down other plans because of the one we've made with you, and then when you cancel last minute we're left without a play date for the day.
4. Is there an issue here that we can work together to resolve?

She might not be aware that she's inconveniencing you when she does this, maybe she's from a family/friendship group that operates on very loose, changeable plans! If you tell her that doesn't work well for you then she might make more effort to keep the play dates you arrange. Or she might stop making the plans with you in the first place. Either way, hopefully she stops wasting your time and disappointing your son.

I have a neighbour who has canceled play dates with us last minute on several occasions now (I've lost count!). She has ADHD - I'm no expert but I've Googled what impact this could have on her ability to honour plans she's made and found: "Executive dysfunction, time blindness, and low mental energy make it hard to track time, remember details, or follow through when the day arrives." We are still friendly but I've given up on making plans with her now, we just see her and her kids at the local park when we all happen to be there!

ETA: in the 4 years my neighbour and I have been friends she has managed to keep ONE play date we had prearranged at the park. She's never honoured any of the play dates we've arranged at each others houses.

Terrible friend and quite honestly if she is allowing her children to rule the roost and basically dump people and plans to play on the PlayStation she is a terrible mum! I would probably say something but that’s me!!

She is teaching her children terrible social skills.

I have a friend like this. She's a really good friend in every other way, so I don't want to lose her friendship. I don't tell the kids that we're meeting up with her.
That way, if she turns up, it's a surprise for them. If she doesn't, they don't know anything was ever planned so there's no disappointment.

I think it's about her not being able to parent. We all know how hard it is to stop a child who's gaming so she just caves in instead of turning off their PlayStation which a decent parent would do when you have somewhere to go.

Before deciding to meet again I would tell her that "Please don't make any plans if you can't follow through because then my dc is upset and we have wasted our time while we could have made other plans." How does this work when there is school or a medical appointment? Surely she's able to stand her ground then so it's clear she doesn't respect you and therefore can't be bothered.

I'd not make play date plans with her anymore op. Next time she suggests one just say you'd rather not for now as it's been inconvenient and disappointing for you and your son when she cancels at the last minute because either her or the kids don't fancy it.

How can a grown adult be so oblivious to how rude this is?! Like you if we make plans in my house we stick to them. My youngest sometimes would rather stay on minecraft or something and I am permanently exhausted so it's not like I live for playddates but if we have plans, we aren't flaky about them.

Time to find a new friend. This one is crap.

X

That's very annoying. It's one thing if kids are having a really bad day and you think it won't go well, but not just because they'd rather be on the playstation!

Since she isn't rude normally, it sounds like she has some silly ideas about childhood autonomy.

Or maybe the mother a flacky fuck and not everything to do with being ND?

Honestly even it was kids being ND - and that's not even been hinted at by OP - I'm not sure that helps the OP - she can't control how the friend parents her kids or her canceling on her last minute.

Does it really need the OP to guess at why or just deal with the behavior that is impacting her and her child?

Of course there are reasons why canceling has to be done and yes with ND kids that can happen more often but OP seems to be complaining about a fairly consistent pattern - and only reasons given is kids don't want last minute-not they are having a bad day or are upset - just they've decide to play x box longer.

I don't blame her for being fed up what ever the underlying reason for it is.

I've met enough people who already act like this. They choose to remain unemployed and living off their parents until a job that they want to do with the hours they want comes along.

A lot of adults think it's just fine to behave the way OPs friend is with their own friends. Everything is treated as an option and if they don't feel like honouring it or they get a better offer, they'll happily cancel last minute, a lot of them don't mind if you do it to them either (and TBH I don't care if they do, I'm not treating someone else as a priority when they only consider me to be an option). I'd guess they're the ones bringing up their DC this way.

I have times where I know my kids needs some down time and regret making plans, and would gladly take a way out if it was possible so I do recognise the sentiment here.

my kids are real home bodies but I have now learnt what we can manage and not to make to many plans in one week so they can recharge properly.

But there were many times before learning this that I have followed though on plans despite none of us really wanting to, often having a nice time but ending up with two over tired grumpy kids to deal with at the end of the day!! It is selfish to cancel last minute and ruin someone else plans and my kids now understand that too.

Sorry this is so not the point but, children can be neurodivergent, but not neurodiverse 😅

Thanks for all of the responses. Haven't had a chance to read them all!

And when she next requests, I'd be saying 'best not to make any arrangements you can't actually commit to, thanks'. Or the old favourite of 'that doesn't work for me'.

At some point, you really should tell her that you don't want to arrange anything with her because she cancels at the last minute too often. Had you not arranged with her, you'd have arranged with someone else, so her letting you down has an impact. Tell her!

She's lazy and doesn't want to leave the house so uses them as a get out clause. It's very bad form.

So if she is good in other ways then tell her to her face you dont think her changing plans last minute is on.

YANBU, OP. Your friend sounds very inconsiderate, and she's not doing her kids any favours by centering them so much.

My former best friend was similar. Everything had to revolve around her children's preferences. She and I (no kids) would make plans to catch up. I'd suggest a venue (like a cafe), and she'd reply with "I'll let you know on the day. Sometimes my kids are happy to go to a cafe, but other times they prefer the playground."

And of course, 9 times out of 10, her kids would want to go to the playground, and so we'd end up hanging around a hot (or cold) noisy, crowded playground watching her kids play! At least once I had to restrain myself from asking her: "Why are you allowing a 5 year old and a 2 year old to dictate where we go? Can't the adults get to make that decision?"

Her "Let the kids choose!" mentality also manifested in other odd ways. Once, when her eldest was a toddler, we went to a cafe, and the little boy stopped in the doorway. He couldn't make up his mind whether he wanted to go inside or not. And my friend was just cooing at him: "What do you want to do, darling? Do you want to go inside, or would you prefer to stay outside? You can decide." And I was like: "UM FRIEND...WE ARE BLOCKING THE DOORWAY HERE!" The situation just didn't register with her. A complete lack of awareness that not everything revolved around her child.

That’s what I was thinking. It’ll be a shit show of her own making.