Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

[holiphant]

I have a close friend I met through my son's summer school. She has a boy and a girl and I have my 8yo. I'm close to stopping arranging anything with her, because 50% of the time we will arrange a play date (park, either of our houses, beach etc) and she will message 30 mins beforehand with 'I've asked the kids and they don't fancy it today so can we rearrange' or 'sorry the playstation is on and I don't want to drag them away as they are playing nicely together'

It is driving me nuts. I have never considered asking my son if he still wants the play date then cancelling when he says no, on the same day. Sometimes he will moan because he doesn't want to leave the house, but I tell him that's tough because we said we are going, and they always end up having a lovely time. I feel like it is just disrespectful of my time and then I have a bored and upset 8yo at home.

Is it normal and ok to give kids this much autonomy over this kind of thing? AIBU to find this irritating?

Agree with this. You can be direct, but polite

Make it clear that last minute cancellations don't work for you

'tbh I don't want to make an arrangement because you often cancel last minute and my DS gets really disappointed'

She can't argue with that...

I agree with PP I'd decline any more meet ups and be honest that your kids keep being disappointed with the cancellations. I'd maybe do the "we're going to x at 2pm if you want to join" whilst not mentioning it to your own kids.

And yes, she's going to create flakey adults.

"that's a real shame because DC has been looking forward to seeing them all day. He's going to be really disappointed"

Then next time she makes an arrangement, "I'd love to and so would DC, but we need it to happen this time because it's not fair on my DC if it's cancelled again"

I also think cancelling is unfortunately much easier now people can just send a WhatsApp! Was way more awkward and uncomfortable when you had to actually ring them and face the awkwardness!

I’d arrange one more thing with her, with no intention of going, and do the same to her last minute.

Then just move on.

I wouldn't arrange anything futher with her and be honest why if she asks.

It reads to me like her kids aren’t interested in playing with yours and so she tries to encourage them but they refuse and she doesn’t want the drama.

If she knows her kids don't want to meet up with op's son she shouldn't make the arrangement in the first place.

If her kids carry this last minute flaking into teens and adulthood, their own friends will get fed up with them. And it won't get them anywhere in the workplace.

I would be silently looking forward to the days when she can't get her teens to do anything if they don't want to! She letting them rule their roost but she doesn't have to let them rule your roost!

So what's your plan to tackle it?

Speak to her about it or stop agreeing to play dates?

What about having the play dates at your home and making zero effort, so if they don't show, you don't lose out?

Or will that prevent you doing other fun stuff?

She is raising selfish entitled children. Does she have no thought for you and your kids? I can't imagine letting a friend and friend's children down in that way.

Absolutely but clearly she never learned that along the way. It is very disrespectful behaviour. I’d stop arranging to meet her and if she asks why I’d tell her.

Stop making plans with her. Tell her that your son is upset when he is looking forward to seeing his friends and is let down so you're not prepared to do it anymore. She is teaching her children that it's ok to let people down if they can't be bothered. You're teaching your child that it's not ok. That will stand him in good stead in the long run.

No this isn’t normal. I have three kids and if we have a plan they are coming along, i follow through on commitments because that’s being a good friend. She is not being a good friend to you and not valuing your time. I would quietly move on

Yeah, this wouldn't work for me. It is rude and disrespectful of your time, and super indulgent of her children (frankly to their long term detriment).

Yes it's rude and selfish.

Though I'm struck by OP saying that the friend isn't selfish and flaky in other ways ie where the kids aren't involved. I suppose the answer is to only meet up one to one without kids.

She's making a rod for her own back letting her kids always call the shots like that. We have friends who indulged their kids like that. They'd start expensive hobbies and then "not feel like" going etc. The parents would drop out of planned nights out because the kids "didn't want to go to grandma's". Eventually they both started school refusing after lockdown and never went again. They're now young adults, live in their bedrooms, no education/jobs/friends and are both suffering from depression. Their parents are tearing their hair out with despair.

Obviously I can't know for sure, but I wouldn't necessarily say this is the case. I do think there are increasing numbers of people who put their kids in charge and are seemingly incapable of getting them to do things they don't want to do at that moment.

I suspect she sees her dc playing nicely and chilled at home, and can’t resist the opportunity of a break. The holidays are knackering. We have all been there when our dc are busy building Lego village together quite happy together, and having to drag them out feels like a chore, most of us though, would never let a friend down for such trivial non reasons.

I had a friend like this, she was much better as a friend just to me (not dc) and so we jet up for dinner, drinks etc instead. If she is fairly reliable when it’s adult meet ups I wouldn’t give up a 3am friend. She clearly is laid back and a go with the flow person, she might find all the planning tiring, and is better suited to being spontaneous.

I don’t know if you can be bothered to adjust the way you meet up. I would prob just prefer to see more reliable friends.

Perhaps what those two things (meeting a demand for a pickup at 3am, and not making kids stick to an arranged playdate) have in common is that she can't say no, even when people are being unreasonable.

This is a good suggestion if you want to maintain the possibility of still meeting up. Only accept or make suggestions that would work for you and your child regardless of whether she turns up or not. And let.your son know that friends "might" be there.

No that's not normal.

She s probably just a lazy parent. Pretty normal to have kids that moan about doing things, but also normal to completely ignore that and get on with things.

Yep

My sister used to do that. I ended up explaining to her that my kids were now upset, as they were looking forward to meeting him. In the end I didn’t tell my kids if their cousin was meeting us or visiting because it wasn’t worth the hassle. He didn’t want to come because he was on his iPad! Which shouldn’t have been given before the planned visit/meet up!

I feel like it is just disrespectful of my time

It is! Agree with others - don’t agree to make plans with her again. And be direct with her about why not! “I don’t think advance plans work well for you and your DC - let’s just see how we all feel on the day” is a decent bet if you don’t want to cut off the friendship. I must day, though, in my experience the “flexible” types really don’t like it when the boot is on the other foot and they are the ones whose time is dependent on the whims of others…..

Agree with @Ethelspagetti
Keep it breezy - agree to meet if it’s something you want to do anyway, don’t make a fuss that Amy and Joe will be there too… if they end up going then it’s a nice addition, if they don’t then it doesn’t spoil your day.
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