Bailing because the 'kids don't want to'

[holiphant]

I have a close friend I met through my son's summer school. She has a boy and a girl and I have my 8yo. I'm close to stopping arranging anything with her, because 50% of the time we will arrange a play date (park, either of our houses, beach etc) and she will message 30 mins beforehand with 'I've asked the kids and they don't fancy it today so can we rearrange' or 'sorry the playstation is on and I don't want to drag them away as they are playing nicely together'

It is driving me nuts. I have never considered asking my son if he still wants the play date then cancelling when he says no, on the same day. Sometimes he will moan because he doesn't want to leave the house, but I tell him that's tough because we said we are going, and they always end up having a lovely time. I feel like it is just disrespectful of my time and then I have a bored and upset 8yo at home.

Is it normal and ok to give kids this much autonomy over this kind of thing? AIBU to find this irritating?

I had a freind like this when my daughter was young she was very supportive when my daughter had a long term very serious illness taken us to hospital etc.
But latar on she would arrange play dates but cancel if daughter had a invite from a school freind it did put me off a bit as I ended up with a very upset disappointed child.
I kept some contact and the girls are still long distance freinds now they are adults but in a different situation I may have broken contact I try hard not to cancel plans but I still know a lot off people who think nothing off canceling

I had one like this.... I have three kids and she has one and he is a little 'indulged'... Would cancel at the last minute because her child got better offer or cut things short when we've paid to get into something because the child wants to go home... we don't do that anymore... I also found out that when my kids stayed over (only one at a time as she cannot 'cope' with more), they weren't allowed to actually play with anything but were allowed to watch her child play with toys and computer games..... Lots of people indulge this bullshit from their kids... Good luck with that!

Next time she does. Tell her what you've said here.
"Im only doing it if you promise not to cancell on me again because your DC are happy on the playstation. My son looks forward to it and he's let down all the time when you cancel. It's also wasting my time, because we are then stuck at home when we could have planned something else."
And really talk it through with her. Give her one more chance and if she does it again, make play dates with others who do turn up.

My cousin is like this with her kids. Whatever they say goes. Eldest is 10 now and an utterly spoilt little brat. She (and her husband) can’t see it, so whilst others in the family have hinted at it, she’s oblivious.

She also gives them too much screen time, to the extent that he’s moaning he’s bored whenever he’s not on the screen or doing exactly as he pleases.

Youd think it would occur to people that it’s rude to be fickle but I don’t think it does. I agree with others to slow down the contact. If she asks for a play date I’d say something like this:

”Sorry to be awkward but it’s been really upsetting to son when you cancel last minute, so I think it’s best not to arrange anymore as it’s not really fair on him.”

Disgusting behaviour
She’s the adult. She should decide what the child does and no, they don’t get to bail oit and let people down.
Drop her like a hot, flaky brick!

Not normal at all, and I expect it isn't really the kids either.
Save your energy, OP.
I hope your little one isn't too disappointed when this keeps happening?
It's entirely up to you, but if it is upsetting for your kid, I'd be inclined to let her know it. She might not care but I think she deserves to hear that her actions are causing other people a problem.

Oh my god that's insane!

I've got an only and I'll admit I'd be nervous about having 3 kids overnight, although I'd likely do it and embrace the chaos 🤣 But I can't imagine inviting kids over and not letting them play with stuff, especially if my kid was playing 🤯

Bad manners and is not teaching her kids good manners either. Meet up with others who will stick to plans barring illness of course

Yep! ☝️

Next time she asks just say "I'm going to be honest and say that dc gets really disappointed when you cancel last minute so we can only do it if you are certain you are going to turn up" give her that one last chance knowing it upsets your dc and if she is still flaky just say no in future.

That's so rude. What a waste of your day. Dump her and find decent friends.

Good point

I like the phrasing in this second paragraph. Gets the message across.

It sounded to me immediately that it's actually HER that doesn't fancy it for one reason or another, maybe just can't be bothered, so she makes up some child based excuse to stymie the whole thing without taking responsibility of it herself...but like you said she doesn't seem to realise how bad it looks when she say's she 'has asked the kids' and they have said they don't fancy it?! 🙄
Only go ahead in the future if she herself instigates the playdate but the first time she backs off then knock it on the head entirely as she isn't worth the trouble, it's a shame for the children but you and you child deserve more respect than she is willing to give. 🙁