So anxious about new driver dd

[AnxiousAboutDaughterDriving]

Please be as harsh as you like, as I think I need to have my head well and truly wobbled.

My ultra sensible 21yo dd has bought a new car, and I'm really struggling to deal with my anxiety around her driving it.

I know I am BU and probably really stupid as well, and I realise that dd is never going to become an experienced driver if she doesn't get out and practise. She has to start somewhere. But I just can't talk myself down from worrying about it.

She passed her test around 3 years ago but relatively quickly and without loads of practice. She has barely driven since, though she has had a few refresher lessons and the instructor thinks she is fine. She has a motorway lesson booked with an instructor in a few weeks.

I know she will be really careful. It isn't in her nature not to be. She doesn't have stupid friends who will distract her. She definitely won't drink and drive etc. So I'm not concerned about anything like that. I'm genuinely just worried about her being out there on the roads with so little experience under her belt.

I was an anxious driver myself for many years, though I have largely overcome it now. I am now just projecting it on to her instead. I know it's irrational but I just can't switch off the fear and it feels overwhelming.

I'm working super hard to be bright and breezy around dd so that I don't pass on my fears to her. I already know that she will be very careful without having to be told, and I have no wish to undermine her or destroy her confidence. I think I've done a pretty good job of masking my anxiety so far.

But it's really eating away at me. I simply couldn't bear it if anything bad happened to her. Please could someone pass me a large grip and help me to work out how I can snap out of this.

Hi OP 👋

I feel your pain. I felt this exact same way when my dd (22) first started driving.

Its natural to worry.

All I can say is it will get easier and the more she practices the safer she will be and the less you will worry

There’s no magic solution to your worry I’m afraid

Just give it time. And if that doesn’t work, then give it more time ☺️

Thank you for replying. I'm glad it isn't just me. Can I ask how long it took before you started to feel less worried?

Both my dds passed their tests at 17. They are now 25 and 22. I still worry. Sorry.

Oh no! You mean it doesn't necessarily go away?

It’s not just you.
Both my DDs passed their driving tests aged 17. If they went out in the car I’d be so anxious, and if at night I’d lie awake sweating until they got home, despite them having mobile phones.

Pretty normal to worry a lot the first few weeks, then it reduces to just general worrying! 🤣

ds(22) has now driven over 50k miles in his car and probably another 20k in mine with just one bump (with a bollard in the multi story car park 🤦🏻‍♀️). He’s probably a better driver than me now! I still worry if he is going anywhere unusual, it’s just what mums do!

It took months for my mother to stop giving me the Spanish Inquisition about where I had been when out and about in my first car. In the end, I just stopped telling her things. In the end, she admitted that she was glad that I had got the courage up to drive to different places (and on the motorway), because her world was (and still is) so small. She will still only drive to the nearest towns. I live 80 miles away, in a place where driving is a necessity due to the lack of available public transport!

What you're feeling is completely normal.

My DD passed her test just before she turned 18 and had a little car for her birthday. We had actually had an accident while she was learning due to a mechanical fault which was pretty scary although we were uninjured.

I honestly loathed the period when she was learning and I was taking her out to practice - absolutely hated it - would genuinely describe it as the most unpleasant and stressful 10 months of parenting.

Once she started driving and venturing further afield I had no choice but to suck it up. I was also horribly anxious when she drove me anywhere, despite her driving being fine.

She's spent the last two years driving back and forth to her uni town over 100 miles away (her dad, my XH, went with her the first couple of times) and last week she drove me back after her graduation and I was absolutely fine.

It's just one of those things you adapt to over time.

I feel your pain OP!

My DD18 passed first time at the beginning of the year and I was awful….every single time she got in her car I would sit tracking her on my phone until she arrived at her destination (sadly even if she was going to her friends 3 mins up the road)
It’s gradually getting much better though. She’s a great, safe, competent driver and I’m very relaxed when I’m in the car with her. I no longer track her, just ask for a quick text when she arrives if it’s been a longer journey.

It does get better, I promise!

Nope- I was telling my Dad about driving to Paris and around the Arc de Triomphe. He was glad he didn’t know beforehand- I am in my fifties!

I’m generally pretty chilled but found dd passing her test sent me into a different level of anxiety. She’s been driving 6 months now and I just don’t think too much about it. She did drive once a week to school while term was on as I wanted her to get the practice in a controlled way. She has a 4 hour drive in September that I’m dreading but ignoring.

You will always worry.
Its not your careful daughter, but the other idiots she might encounter.

I've been driving 13 years, my mum still worries and makes me let her know I get anywhere safely.. not that it helps OP, just letting you know it's relatively normal 😂

This!

I know! I have been thinking about that a lot!

Thanks for all of the solidarity. It's reassuring to know it isn't just me!