Late night cooking…help me get perspective

[Sassysangria2201]

DSD is 19 and lives at home. She’s at uni so doesn’t pay any board etc. She has a nice set up - seperate part of the house with her own bathroom and sitting room. She has a boyfriend and we don’t have a lot of limits on how often he visits.

She’s generally well behaved but can be very inconsiderate in the house. She will amass dirty dishes in her room and only bring them up when we get annoyed as we are running low. She routinely leaves food encrusted plates next to the dishwasher. She also uses the last of something then puts the empty packet back in the cupboard instead of putting it in the bin.

She and her boyfriend have arrived home and are cooking. At 11.30pm. The kitchen is close to the bedrooms (same level) and I’m now wide awake and fuming.

I’ve had many conversations with DH about consideration around the house, as well as with her, but feel there is an underlying dynamic where she massively over reacts and DH turns it on me. He’s very tidy and grumbles about cleaning up after her but also defends it as ‘she’s just a teenager’ .

i’m so ground down by it that I’ve lost perspective. Putting up with this is utterly crazy right? Or am I?

YANBU. You need to find your anger and give her rules and consequences.

If she doesn’t comply, she moves out.

Negotiating with a university student during their holidays is tricky! They are learning to be independent whilst living away from home but are then returning home and different rules apply!
However, a bit like a housing contract, there are acceptable and unacceptable behaviour within a house setting.
You need to sit down with your DD (&DH?!) and have a conversation with her. Whilst both sides need to listen to the other about how things are going to work within your house going forward, bottom line is, somethings are not going to be acceptable. She either has to accept that or find alternative accommodation.
DH has also got to work on his attitude as well!!

Kitchen shuts at 10pm here. Always has.

I have teenagers and young adults in the house and we have rules about clearing up that work for both sides: dirty crockery needs to be brought down at least once a day, clear up after cooking before the next meal time (I.e dinner things need to be cleared up before breakfast the next morning) and there is a chore rota for basic chores. Imo you do need some rules and boundaries here, and this works well for us.

Personally i have no issue with late cooking, mine will often come in after a night out and cook.something in the airfryer for example, i.dont think its a big deal.as ling as they clear up before breakfast.

19 yo?

I would ask her to move our or respect the rest of the family. She is spoilt.

Cooking late at night once in a while……. I would let it go.

But this……. FFS… no way:

She’s generally well behaved but can be very inconsiderate in the house. She will amass dirty dishes in her room and only bring them up when we get annoyed as we are running low. She routinely leaves food encrusted plates next to the dishwasher. She also uses the last of something then puts the empty packet back in the cupboard instead of putting it in the bin.

It’s a proper pain. My dd is on a totally different schedule from the rest of us and it’s really irritating. We’ve got an open plan kitchen and have about an hour in the evenings to spend together and that’s the time that dd will start crashing about the kitchen. It’s driving me nuts.

If she was quickly popping something in the air fryer I probably wouldn’t care as much as it’s less likely to wake people up. But this a full on cook, we have an induction oven that beeps loudly when you change the temperature, so it was constant beeping, clanging of pans, microwave was going too at one point.

If it was quickly warming something up at this time occasionally I’d be more understanding, but honestly I think it’s easier to just say kitchen sgius at half ten (we go to bed at ten)

We get that sometimes too, and its a bit annoying but no where near as bad as being woken up.

Sit down together, all the adults in the house (you, DD and DH), and agree some house rules. It will make your DD a better housemate when she's back at uni. If she can't be respectful and considerate then you can withdraw visitor privileges. Is she doing all her own food and toiletries shopping? Because that's another thing you could stop.

She is at uni locally so lives here full time. She’s not in hols atm )not in UK)

Your husband needs to have your back. Then all 3 of you can sit down and discuss rules. There is no point in you trying to do this on your own, your husband has to be a willing participant. She's not 'only a teenager', she's 19 and at this stage should not be leaving plates build up in her room. She can batch cook a few meals for the freezer to take out late at night rather than starting a full on cook.

Students tend to be more nocturnal. But you need to set some house rules.

For those saying kick her out, would you make your own DC who is uni student homeless?

Rules for when it is ok to use the kitchen. Strict clean up after yourself policy. And rota for deep cleaning the kitchen.
And buy a cheap 4 set of crockery from Asda just for her, as she is no longer allowed to use your dishes due to hoarding.

Agree with discussing house rules - if she was in a shared student house they'd do this! Trouble is that she'll expect you to also abide by them eg the clearing up thing! Leave a plate out and you'll hear about it!!

I'd speak to the boyfriend at the same time as DSD. He is bashing around cooking late aswell. The pair of them need a bit of a wake up call, nothing too hectic, just a reminder that the house is for everyone and would they mind not cooking after 9pm. Oh and make sure you bring in your plates and stuff down to the kitchen every morning, thanks, there's flies and maggots around in this heat and they will get under your bed.

Start slow, then ramp it up. DH needs to say it aswell. They are probably not doing too much wrong but if it's getting on your nerves, something has to give. It's your house too. I'm sorry to say this, but the fact that she is your DSD might mean that she doesn't have much respect for you as her stepmum, and won't care what you say. Whereas her father needs to do that, and make sure he does.

If she's got her own sitting room etc, could a small area of that be set up with some kitchen basics - e.g. small fridge, kettle, air fryer? Then you can say the main family kitchen is closed at 10 but she can still make food in her own area if she needs to.

This drives me insane. Cooking food and having showers after midnight when we have to be up for work in 6 hours. The only way I have found to deal with it is shout at them and bang on doors and ruin their summer holiday chill by nagging them to get it all done before 11pm.

The kitchen is shut at 9 pm

She needs to wash up as well!

Even more important to bottom out house rules, if there isn't a deadline for her going away to university.
It will make her a better housemate in the future when she does move out! Basic life lessons!

Yes! 100%

I think this is a massive part of it. She is being set up to believe her wants / needs trump that of others. And she’s not developing the habit of considering others, because she there is no consequence if she doesn’t.

We aren’t in the UK so it’s regular term time (I can’t edit my post to include that). If it was the uni hols I’d be more understanding but I just do not want to live like this on an ongoing basis.

I imagine your DH thinks he is being nice and kind? He is doing her absolutely no favours by pandering to her like this (and neither are you TBH)

Have you heard of the “taco test” for young adults? It’s a quick idea to help them understand whether their home setup is unhealthy restrictive for them. Can they microwave a taco at 2am. If yes, sounds like it’s a healthy setup, if no, parents are being too controlling. But note - the test is microwaving a taco (or U.K. equivalent), NOT cooking a full blown meal at midnight. You are far too far at the other end of the spectrum. No boundaries and she has no respect or consideration to the people she is living with. In fact, no respect for herself if she is hoarding dirty plates in her room - gross!

Treating her like a princess is going to do her more harm than good.

It might be a lot easier to install a sink and airfryer in her room and say the kitchen is out of bounds except to socialise with you or eat together.