I feel so periferal

[SleepingStandingUp]

Is this just an life stage age thing?
I have friends. But most of us live away. If I messaged them they'd all send platitudes and reassurance but it would feel obligatory. If I told DH he'd point out he loves me and he and our kids need me. But yet...
Friends who live closer, either busy or we've never really perfected the art of being part of each other's lives like that.
Siblings, we live nearby, message tons but we don't actually manage to see each other much even tho we're all SAHMs.
So maybe it's that. The lassitude of being a SAHM when the kids just don't need you so much. And yes, I'm looking for work but I have it up because of a poorly child then had multiples then Covid then eldest still having ongoing issues. For 2.5 years we've been in and out for minor surgeries, check ups, pre ops. One more op in August. I'm sure I'd have managed tone off if I was already working but it's hard to get a new job when you can't guarantee how long off you need every few months.
And no, I don't think it's a lack of self worth because I'm just a SAHM, I do volunteer work altho it's quiet atm.

I think I just lack the thing that makes people gravitate towards you, that spark or energy where people think gosh, I really want to see Sleeping this week. She's so fun / great / caring / whatever adjective you most want in a friend.

I just wish I was more enigmatic perhaps? Wittier, prettier, richer, slimmer.

Any oen else feel similarly ?

How much effort do you put in to organising meet ups? You need a driver (someone who drives plans forward) to enforce contact or everyone just fades from each others lives.

My best friend is a driver - she has taught me to be a driver. Sounds like you need to become a driver.

Start inviting your siblings round for solid plans - like - are you free August 2 for a Bbq/tea and coffee/ soft play/ glass of wine?

Hit up old friends and ask them to go to dinner.

Message people asking if they’d like to join you for x,y and z.

Why are you expecting everyone else to invite you and plan meet ups with you instead of driving those things yourself?

People want to see people but they’re often lazy or busy and so don’t make plans. Make the plans yourself and people will eventually reciprocate.

I've seen friends 4 times since christmas, I get you.

Well I never put slimmer on my list of things I look for in a friend.

If you feel on the periphery then you need to make yourself more central. Organise nights out. Arrange dates to see friends. Don't wait for others to do things.

I guess I've never been a driver {mention:MyDarlingRose}@MyDarlingRose, it's a good point. I have made plans with one sis for Friday, other can't make it. I do suggest dinner etc and my Mom and I usually do cinema weekly or so in term time.

With friends I guess it's mainly the distance. I invited 2 to soft play this week as we're at one week long. It just feels like everyone's else's life is so full that when I suggest something there's little space

Haha no that was very much a projected one 😂 but maybe if I was slimmer I'd magically be some of those other things too

It's jsit hard to fit everything in isn't it? Like we do a girls weekend once a year, but if one of us can't make that, it's hard to get together any other time.

Perhaps we both need to learn to drive as per DarlingRose

I hear you. I could have written your post. But at the same time the idea of spending too much time with other people exhausts me.

I agree you need a driver / organiser to get plans firmed up.

Is it just adult company you want or is this more about you not being at the forefront of people’s minds when they are making social plans? Cause it sounds like you’re generally a bit unhappy.

Yeah I get that x

I don't know.

Maybe I feel a bit forgotten.

I found some old letters yesterday. School friend, bf at the time. We were just so VITAL to each other. We wrote utter crap to each other but it was hilarious and I've kept them over 20 years so thats how much they meant. Maybe not I'm just not so vital.

DH is lovely but he's also so frikkin competent. Like if I said I want to go away this weekend without him he'd say OK my love, and I'd come home to a tidier house. My twins are growing up into wonderfully independent kids altho I'm currently having 10 minute updates on who they're friends with in soft play. Eldest is starting school but he's hard work atm, he's autistic and they're all so high energy I feel overwhelmed when I'm with them all shouting over each other for my attention nand then I CRAVE being alone 😂

So yeah, maybe I'm just unhappy and don't really know what I want except some of the simplicity of my late 20s / early 30s

I understand, noones been to see us in over four years now. Unless we travel long distances across country to the area I was born in , lived here for decades, we see no one. And even then people don’t bother to see us, last time we went we saw just one of my parents and one cousin.

our lives have deteriorated to myself, DP and my adult DC and rescue pets. The rescue pets have never known us to have a visitor they have been with us two years. Such a shame for my DP as we only live a few miles from where he grew up and all of his family live close by.

we are thinking of completely relocating somewhere new where we have no ties to start over again.

It's tough OP. I used to agree with pp about being the driver. Someone has to, I thought, so I don't mind. However it's now so hard to get people to agree to meet, I don't bother anymore. If someone never texts me first, suggests meeting, or shows interest in some other way, I let them go.

oh that's sad ONE, yes if it wouldn't be too much of a wrench being away from adult children, I'd pack up and move somewhere beautiful that fills you with joy.

I always thought we'd have a house where everyone just constantly comes and goes and the kids mates are always here etc. but I'm realising that isn't the wider family I actually have

yes there needs to be some reciprocity. I always try and say yes and DH is very accommodating but it's so much work to even sort coffee.

my best friend and I did dinner last week. we livei n the same town. last adult dinner together was 6 years ago.